“Welcome to the tight vagina club.” -OB to mother during prep for an unplanned cesarean section.

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“No one likes wearing gumboots*, they are sloppy and uncomfortable…. that’s why we put in the extra stitch, your husband will thank me.” -OB to woman who just birthed her second baby and was being sutured for a tear.

* Gumboots; an Australian term for rainboots.

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“You don’t want to hold her, she will get you all dirty, we’ll clean her up first.” -Provider responding to mother reaching for her baby in order to hold her immediately after birth.

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“Do you want a cesarean?” -Nurse to mother who declined a vaginal exam during her 41 week penatal appointment.

“Really, a cesarean, for not having a prenatal vaginal exam?” asked the mother.

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“Oh, it’s just superficial, but since you’ve opened a suture kit, I’ll put a couple of sutures in.” -Resident OB to two midwives who delivered the baby and had called the OB because they were concerned that mother had sustained a bad tear.

Turns out it wasn’t just superficial – it was a 4th degree tear and will require major surgery and a temporary colostomy to repair 6 years down the track.

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“I’m going to go home to have a nice dinner after this. Steak! Mmmm…” -OB to mother, while seated between her legs with mother in lithotomy position waiting for nurse to enter the room before pushing her baby out.

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“Ah…I hope your husband isn’t a large man, if you know what I mean. I might have sewed you up a little too tight.” -OB to patient during a six week postpartum exam. Mother stated she had painful penetration for more than a year after that birth.

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“See, if you were educated enough, you would have had an epidural.” -OB to mother who just gave birth without pain meds, after she requested medication during the suturing of her tear.

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“It’s really not that big a deal… think of it this way… either we do an incision down there (nodding towards her perineum) or we do an incision up there (nodding towards her belly). It’s basically the same thing.”-OB consoling a mother about her upcoming cesarean.

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“Well, its like putting chopped meat back together!” -OB to mother when mother asked how bad she had torn during birth.

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