I am the original poster. I realize that some further explanation of the context of this conversation might be helpful, so here is a little bit more detail about my experience with miscarriage and with this physician.

This was my first pregnancy, and as I was an otherwise healthy mother with no prior risk factors coming into pregnancy, we chose to use a highly regarded Certified Nurse Midwife practice affiliated with a major L & D unit in a hospital in the city where we live. We had just moved from out of state a few months prior to discovering that I was pregnant, and I had not yet established a relationship with a new OB-Gyn. The CNM practice we chose was a wonderful fit for us, and we had fantastic care from them. Unfortunately, I was blissfully naive and did not stop to consider who I would see if a problem developed that would necessitate care from an OB.

I found out that we had lost the pregnancy at a routine appointment at 12 weeks, and an ultrasound confirmed that the baby had died weeks earlier and my body was showing no signs of releasing on its own. It was absolutely time to discuss a the risks and rewards of a d & c versus watchful waiting, and we were referred to this OB through the midwife practice. I was in complete shock and devastated, and just sort of floated through the following days and consultations. I had an inkling at the time that this physician was a terrible match, but there were real and pressing concerns about the risk of infection and major consequences to my health and fertility without the d & c, and we did not have the luxury of time to wait the “four or five weeks” to get in to another practice as a new patient. (As someone dealing with an urgent medical concern, I find this policy on the part of several other practices we called in the first day after receiving the news totally infuriating and indefensible).

I was not afraid of or disturbed by the idea of the procedure before it took place. My concerns beforehand related to the risk of general anesthesia and to the reality of the fact that the procedure definitively marked the end of a very loved, very wanted pregnancy. I have never been afraid of medical professionals nor have I felt anything beyond the usual “I can think of lots of other things I’d rather be doing” at my annual pap smear.

So, I was totally blindsided when I woke up at home, with the anesthesia effects finally worn off, and felt consumed by panic when I got into the shower and saw the huge swaths of iodine all over my abdomen and legs. It was, for me, incredibly disorienting and frightening to see evidence of other people having been involved so intimately with my body and that of my baby’s while I was so unaware. Objectively, I obviously knew that that was, by definition, what was going to happen, but facing the reality of that was a different story. I was very surprised at my own reaction, and I didn’t want to feel it, because it was terrifying and upsetting and incredibly frustrating. I knew it wasn’t “fair” to use the word violated in my own head, but it was the word that wouldn’t go away in my thoughts. It was scary and confusing to feel so upset about something that I had CHOSEN….but a choice between a horrible procedure and horrible infection and death doesn’t really feel like much of a choice at all, does it. I went back and forth in my own head for days, berating myself for being ungrateful that I was healthy and fine and thinking about this instead of grieving my baby. The self-loathing was extraordinary.

When my doctor asked at my follow up two weeks later how I felt the procedure had gone — and I assume he meant physically — I shared all of this with him. During a consultation appointment, he confidently stated that he’d never had anyone regret choosing a d & c, and that it was unequivocally emotionally easier. I wanted him to know that, while that may very often be the case, a common experience is not the same as a universal one. I thought he might find it valuable to hear how I had found myself reacting, so that it might add to his body of knowledge of possible emotional reactions in his future patients.

I already felt like a lunatic. I already felt, very acutely, that I was “wrong” and “crazy” to feel the way I felt and think the thoughts I did. I know now, having experienced miscarriage, that “extreme” is the norm for many, many women. It is unimaginable until you go through it. Having your worst fears about your own sanity confirmed, or simply dismissed, is devastating.

I would counsel any woman reading who is pregnant or considering pregnant to find an OB whom you trust before you need them in an emergency. A miscarriage like mine is not the normal outcome of the vast majority of pregnancies, but they do happen, and it is so important to know that you have a physician to call in the event that you are faced with a problem.

Thank you all who have written supportively. It means a great deal to read your comments. I wish you all the best.

I am so sorry your wishes were not respected and that you were lied to. There is no excuse for that.
Without wanting to take away from that at all, please let me just say that for an appendectomy they would definitely have needed to remove your pants and underclothes. If it was a laparoscopic surgery they would have made at least one of the small incisions near your pubic line and another quite low on your right lower abdomen. To keep the area sterile they would remove any clothing and apply lots of sterile draping. If your surgery was more emergent and they needed to do an open procedure (midline incision from above your belly button to nearly your pubic bone, then they also would have had no choice but to remove your clothing. And sometimes, I’m sorry to say, it’s necessary to drain the bladder to keep it out of the way of the instruments during surgery ( so they could see clearly and so it wouldn’t be cut accidentally). HOWEVER, they should have explained all of that to you before the surgery. They should have been up front with you about what would or might be necessary to keep you safe. I am so very sorry they were not honest or respectful to you.