Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Apr
17
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“This Is What Your Husband Is For…”
“This is what your husband is for. Wake him up next time.” – Postpartum Nurse, the night after delivery. The partner was sleeping and the mother’s legs were still not functioning fully after an epidural. She could not reach her baby in the bassinet and had called the nurse.
There are 80 comments to this post.
But we should have our babies in the hospital because…?
I’m pretty sure that if a patient is immobilized for any reason, it is the staff’s responsibility to help her do whatever she needs, not the family’s. The father will learn very quickly once they’re home. Nursie was just mad because she was in the middle of a timed Solitaire game.
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Plan A: Yell “HEY DH, WAKE UP!” in order to wake sleeping husband.
Plan B: Quietly push the nurse call button.
Doesn’t one make a little more sense than the other, especially when you’re in a L&D recovery area where other moms and babies are sleeping? I don’t know about the OP’s hospital, but I could hear anything above a normal conversational voice in the rooms and halls next to me.
I understand that nurses want to encourage the parents to care for their babies, but they’re also there to help.
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C.Pratt Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 1:56 pm (Quote)
It is not thier job to encourage parents to care for thier children (not trying to attack you here, but the whole ridiculous idea). It is thier job to provide care and assistance to new parents who are staying in the hospital because they *gasp* reasonably need some help because they just had a baby. And the parents are paying them for the help, so unless the nurse wants to be out of a job maybe she should DO HER JOB.
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Replace the epidural with orders to stay in bed no matter what due to low blood pressure and add in a threat to take the baby away if we could not care for him, and you have my first recovery experience. DH had been awake for about 48 hours at that point and had crashed so hard that even yelling at him to wake up did not work.
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Why not let us birth at home then, Nurse Asshole? Also, don’t ask if I am going to mutilate my child’s genitals, either.
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Someone Reply:
April 19th, 2012 at 5:17 am (Quote)
I think it’s a little bit ridiculous to get upset just because they asked you if you wanted to get a circumcision. Some parents do so it is a legitimate question.
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Toni Reply:
April 19th, 2012 at 6:54 am (Quote)
In some states it is illegal to solicit unnecessary surgical procedures. So, no, it is not ridiculous to get upset at being solicited for something entirely unnecessary (and potentially very harmful). She may even have cause to file charges, depending on where she lives. If you want to have elective cosmetic surgery performed on your infant, why can’t you just request it? Since it is not medically necessay it is NOT a legitimate question for a doctor or nurse to ask.
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Someone Reply:
April 19th, 2012 at 8:26 pm (Quote)
If she is in one of those states then I am sure that the nurse/doctor wouldn’t ask. Besides asking the question give parents (especially those who didn’t get the gender before hand) a time to think about it and maybe do a bit of reading while it’s still convenient to do the procedure. New parents have a lot to think about and this is one thing that sometimes gets missed and then they have to go back around and do a harder late circumcision (harder on everyone little guy and mom included). A mom who does not want it can politely say no thank you and that’s the end of that one who does can get the care they need and it ensures it gets done early.
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a Mom Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 5:36 am (Quote)
*Note to Self* Remember to politely say thank you after a nurse offers to mutilate my son’s penis for the sole purpose of making it “pretty”.
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Someone Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 9:59 am (Quote)
No need to be sarcastic that someone suggest that you can politely refuse things you don’t agree with. She’s not chasing you down the hall razor blade in hand as you clutch your precious babe to your chest. She’s politely asking you if you want a very common procedure for newborn males preformed on your newborn male. How would polite refusal not be the appropriate response? No body wants to have to deal with someones unreasonable anger. Just like doctors/nurses should be reasonable and respectful of their patients, their patients should be reasonable and respectful of them.
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Tee Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 11:20 am (Quote)
I agree with you wholeheartedly, especially your last sentence. There is no need to be rude to a nurse that is politely and reasonably doing their job.
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Toni Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 12:48 pm (Quote)
I think the point that she was making is that it shouldn’t be “part of the nurse’s job” to offer unnecessary cosmetic surgery to your days old infant in the first place. If it is part of your religion, you are aware of that (I hope, otherwise, how religious could you possibly be?) and will seek it out as per your religion’s guidance. If you are doing it solely as “parent preference” then the onus should be on you to talk to your child’s pediatrician and arange to have it done (either in the hospital or at the two week check up, if your ped does them in office). It should not be offered by anyone. It is medically unneeded and potentially very harmful. I don’t expect my nurse to offer to pierce my daughter’s ears or hook me up with a tattoo post-delivery, why should this be any different?
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Someone Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 9:37 pm (Quote)
Some people would disagree about it being totally a cosmetic procedure. There is some evidence that it decreases your risk to certain cancers and it can in some ways help with cleanliness. Yes I know you can clean under it and that, if you take proper care of it their is no issue, but for fathers who don’t know how to or for boys who won’t it can be a good thing.
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Elizabeth Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 5:48 am (Quote)
The “decreased risk” you speak of doesn’t exist it might decrease it by a very tiny fraction but the whole purpose of the procedure is so doctors can make some quick money first by charging you a couple hundred bucks to do it and then by earning a couple hundred bucks selling it to cosmetic companies. Its a money maker. Made popular in the US by Will Kellogg the man that founded Kellogg’s cereal. Also how hard is it to teach your kid to clean what is seen til he can start retracting it and then rinse under when he can retract it. Super simple takes 3 seconds. The point is tell your kid to rinse and teach him about condoms all the problems you mentioned are solved without mutilating someone and leaving psychological scars on them their whole life.
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Someone Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 7:40 am (Quote)
Psychological scars? A two day old baby has no ability to remember a circumcision. Now that the APA recommendeds and most places use local when performing the procedure all of the stress studies no longer really apply since the infants are not being cut on with no pain relief. The procedure existed and was being used for hygiene long before Kellogg mentioned it. As far as the money goes the reimbursement and not really enough to motivate anyone.
As for risk reduction they are real, there are studies backing them up. They reduce UTI rates (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18316994), they can reduce the rate of HIV infection and other STD’s (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22382150) and they provide some protection from pineal cancer by aiding the body in resisting or quickly clearing HPV infections (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22249298) The benefits are real they are measurable and grounded in good and recent science. The last one is especially important if you don’t want to get your child vaccinated.
Toni Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 8:37 am (Quote)
“Some people would disagree about it being totally a cosmetic procedure.”
They are entitled to their opinion, but they would be wrong. There is no clear medical benefit. There have been numerous attempts to manufacture benefits over the years (to perpetuate what is a pretty darn lucrative practice), but even if the tiny benefits they claim exist, those same “benefits” are obtainable in mush less extreme ways (using a condom, for instance).
“Yes I know you can clean under it and that, if you take proper care of it their is no issue, but for fathers who don’t know how to or for boys who won’t it can be a good thing.”
Shoudln’t doctors and nurses be working to stop perpetucating ignorance? Rather than just offering circ why not educate parents on the funstion of the foreskin and how to take care of it? But I guess it is easier to just lop off body parts. Hmm, wonder why we don’t yank teeth (you can always get dentures) and fingernails (largely useless, amiright? who neds pesky hangnails and god forbid ingrown nails).
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Toni Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 8:47 am (Quote)
The American Psychological Association recommends infant circumcision? Citation please.
If you meant the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics), they do NOT recommend it. They just don’t condemn it. Big difference.
Some studies have shown a reduction in UTI among cut infants of up to 10%. Breastfeeding reduced the risk by 300% and doesn’t require the amputation of anybody’s healthy functional tissue. Not to mention UTIs are vanishingly rare among boys of any age and are easily treated with antibiotics if/when they do occur. Why should we prophylactically amputate the foreskin to preven something that is rare and that even if it does occur is easily treated?
Your second study, about HIV/other stds, was done in Kenya. Sorry but it is irrelevent on that alone. And if circ does so much to prevent HIV, why does the US have the highest HIV rate in the industrial world AND the highest circ rate among men over age 18? Hmmm. Maybe education would work better than lopping off body parts…
As for preventing cervical cancer, sorry hon, the jury’s still out on that one. Your citation noted plainly that more studies need to be done. And it only “recommends” that circ be used in places where cervical cancer screenings and HPV vaccines are not readily available. So, try again.
Tee Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 7:04 pm (Quote)
I understand your point, I do. But the same could be said for a nurse asking about almost anything. (Epidural, pain meds, IV and whatnot.) It is part of their job, no matter if we like it or not. As long as the nurse is respectful in asking the question and willingly accepts the mother’s answer, I don’t have a problem with it.
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Toni Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 12:41 pm (Quote)
“Besides asking the question give parents (especially those who didn’t get the gender before hand) a time to think about it and maybe do a bit of reading while it’s still convenient to do the procedure.”
As someone who waited to find out the gender with my first two pregnancies I just want to point out that those who do wait to find out know that there is about a 50% chance that they will need to have a decision made; just like they know they should have two names picked out 
That being said, a lot of times simply asking if you want it done can be seen as an endorsement of the procedure. Unless the question is preceeded by a thorough discussion of the risks and the fact that it is completely unneeded, it should not be asked at all.
“New parents have a lot to think about and this is one thing that sometimes gets missed and then they have to go back around and do a harder late circumcision (harder on everyone little guy and mom included). ”
How is it “harder” to circ a two week old rather than a two day old infant (assuming the parents want it done at all)? I mean really, you act as though circumcision is some unknown thing that won’t occur to parents unless someone else brings it up. BS. Since the main reason most people have for doing it is so their little guy “looks like daddy” or will “fit in in the locker room”, it seems to me that parents are well aware of what a circ is. It is not something that won’t occur to them until their kid is 16 and then they’ll say, “Oh S%^T, we knew we forgot something!” It doesn’t need to be solicited. Period.
“A mom who does not want it can politely say no thank you and that’s the end of that one who does can get the care they need and it ensures it gets done early.”
Why does it “need” to be done in the hospital? Hell, the people who made it part of their religion wait until the child is 8 days old to do it. Why do gentiles need to have it done within 3 days of birth if the chosen people can wait til day 8? Just curious about your take on that one, lol.
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Someone Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 9:34 pm (Quote)
The sooner it’s done the easier it is, maybe mom and dad don’t know beforehand that they can get it done in the hospital L&D ward or who is the appropriate person to do it. Some would assume the Pediatrician, but in reality it is often the OB. Most people wouldn’t jump to that. Being in the hospital has the benefit that if God forbid something were to go wrong and the little guy starts bleeding, or he gets an infection he is being monitored and help is right there.
Why is a two week harder then a two day? Were not talking a two week were usually talking a 6 or 8 week old because these things must be scheduled people must be in place and when it’s out patient it takes longer to do things. There is a difference in the perception of pain in a two day old and two month old baby.
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Melissa Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 10:18 pm (Quote)
“there is a difference in the perception of pain in a two day old and two month old baby.”
Oh really?
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Someone Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 5:23 am (Quote)
Yes, neurologically speaking. The brain keeps developing during those first few months especially parts related to memory at a truly awe inspiring rate. A newborn baby can see about 8 inches clearly in front of it’s face and has a very short episodic memory. A two month old has the vision thing worked out and is beginning to gain some episodic memory (although they won’t truly have this till around 3). So yes I would say a newborn is different then a 2 month old.
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Melissa Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 8:58 am (Quote)
We were talking about pain, not vision. That’s a rather different kind of perception. Of course their brains are still developing. That’s not unique to the first 8 weeks!
Any *actual* info on pain perception? Because I get tired of the same BS that babies “won’t feel it” or that sugar water is enough to distract them from surgery on a particularly nerve-rich part of their body. (I know that you haven’t used either of those particular phrases, but the attitude and assumption is so prevalent that I have a hard time attributing your point of view with anything else. If I’m wrong and there’s actually something back of the idea that it’s appropriate to take newborn pain less seriously than that of a two month old, by all means, enlighten me.)
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Toni Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 9:03 am (Quote)
“The sooner it’s done the easier it is..”
But you didn’t answer my question: how is it easier on a two day old baby (who has yet to even adjust to life outside the womb and for whom bfing is not yet established) than for a two week old baby? Anatomically there is little difference between a two day old penis and a two week old one.
“…maybe mom and dad don’t know beforehand that they can get it done in the hospital L&D ward or who is the appropriate person to do it.”
Let me get this straight. Mom and dad want to amputate healthy, functional tissue from their child so his penis looks pretty and they can’t be bothered to find out the specifics ahead of time? Then they don’t deserve kids. Period.
“Some would assume the Pediatrician, but in reality it is often the OB.”
Just because OBs do it most often does not make them the most appropriate choice. The best choice would be a urologist (familiar with the area) or a cosmetic surgeon (the whole reason is for aesthetics, might as wel get someone who knows a thing or two about “pretty”). After that the child’s own doctor, who will be providing any and all follow up care, should be the one to do it. The mother’s doctor, a specialist in female reproductive organs and someone who will have nothing to do with the child after he leaves the hosptial (even if the OB botches the circ) is the last one that should be doing this: if anything goes wrong, the OBs just dump the kid on the pediatrician. That’s not right.
“Being in the hospital has the benefit that if God forbid something were to go wrong and the little guy starts bleeding, or he gets an infection he is being monitored and help is right there.”
Well at least you admit that things can go catastrophically wrong with this procedure. Then it begs the question, why do it? Why perpetuate such an archaic, barbaric, dangerous practice that confers no proven (only “potential”) benefits? You want your kid to die rather than risk a treatable UTI? Wow. Those are some messed up priorities. This goes back to the original statement that doctors and nurses should not be soliciting a dangerous, unnecessary, cosmetic procedure.
“Why is a two week harder then a two day? Were not talking a two week were usually talking a 6 or 8 week old because these things must be scheduled people must be in place and when it’s out patient it takes longer to do things. ”
Says who? You have to take your child for his/her two week check up. Yes I suppose it is easier (for the doctor) to line up all the baby boys born in the last couple of days and slice and dice ‘em all at once, but it also gives the parents (who you have been asserting all along are completely clueless about their options) little to no time to consider what they are having done to their child. If it is as you say, and parents are completely unaware that circ is an option, then it absolutely should NOT be done in the hospital right after birth – what other body part are you allowed to amputate without medical need and without at least some sort of waiting period? Not to mention psychological evaluation…
“There is a difference in the perception of pain in a two day old and two month old baby.”
That is true. A baby’s nervous system is very immature at birth. They feel pain more keenly as a result. And anesthetics/analgesics are more dangerous the younger the patient is. So waiting a few weeks/months is really the MORE humane thing to do (if you can consider any kind of unneeded genital modification of a minor child “humane”).
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Carolyn Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 4:20 pm (Quote)
I get all the arguments against offering a circ, but it’s entirely possible that the nurse is asking because she needs to know one way or the other so things can be prepped for the procedure or it can be noted that the issue has been addressed.
As a former NICU nurse, all it took was witnessing one being performed for me to come home and tell my husband that no way in hell would we be doing that to any male children we may have. But there were many times when I asked “are you planning to circumcise him?” because if they were, orders and informed consent must be obtained and the procedure must be scheduled.
Sometimes a question is just information gathering and not an endorsement or a judgment of either choice.
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Toni Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 9:17 am (Quote)
True. And no one is suggesting that parents should berate the nurse for offering it, if that is just part of her job. All OldMaman said was ‘hey nurse, don’t ask if I’m going to mutilate my child’s genitals”. There is nothing rude in that; how is it any differnt than saying ‘hey nurse, don’t offer me an epidural?
If I were asked (I’ve had two girls so far, tho I did include in my birth plan last time that I didn’t want my child circumcised, regardless of gender) I would quite simply say “of course not”. This whole debate has gotten into the question of whether or not it *should* be offered in the hosptial. Obviously there are places where it is routinely offered, and, as much as I disagree with that, no, it helps nothing to berate/be rude to the nurse.
“Sometimes a question is just information gathering and not an endorsement or a judgment of either choice.”
Here we likely have to agree to disagree. I wonder, do you think asking “are you planning to formual feed him” is an equally necessary question? Is giving an unsolicited “gift” bag of formula/a consent form for circ not a subtle endorsement? Just curious about your thoughts on that. Personally I think hosptials should be in the business of wellness and health and should therefore not be, directly OR indirectly, endorsing less healthy options. If the patient comes in stating that he/she will be circumcising or formula feding, or requests that at some point, then sure, make sure it is done properly, but don’t offer it. It sends a mixed message.
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Carolyn Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 3:35 pm (Quote)
I don’t think OldMaman was being rude. I’m sorry if my post implied that. I was just trying to see it from a nurse’s perspective, assuming the nurse was just asking and not being an asshat. And I see no problem in telling the nurse before she asks not to ask, just like I see no problem with saying don’t offer me an epidural. I did both of those things. (We didn’t know the gender, but we knew circing wasn’t an option.)
I see your points and somewhat agree. I do not think that formula gift bags/circ consent forms should be offered to all parents. But I do think that it is important to know if a parent plans to formula feed/circ in order to support the family in getting off to the best start possible if that is the route they want to take. While it would be nice if everyone wanted to BF and not circ, that’s not the case, and it’s not my place to make someone choose what I would choose for myself and my children. As nurses we are charged with assisting the families with their choices (to an extent), even if we don’t agree. Of course we should educate about risks/benefits, but both BF and circing are very personal decisions, and while I and many others think they are less than optimal choices, plenty of parents choose them and their babies are perfectly healthy (I was never able to EBF – DD’s BM to formula ratio was about 80/20 till she weaned at 10 months). Saying things like “are you sure you don’t want to use formula/circ/get an epidural?” to me is absolutely unacceptable, but saying “are you planning to circ/BF or formula feed/get an epidural?” in a neutral manner is fine. But that’s my opinion and I respect anyone who thinks differently.
I’m saying I didn’t mind being asked because it was a straightforward question and I already knew my answer. If, on the other hand, a mother says “I don’t know”, “do you think I should?”, or “what do you think I should do?”, then it is the nurse’s responsibility to provide honest, unbiased information and pros and cons and, in the case of a circ/epidural, contact the physician who can obtain informed consent if necessary, without endorsing or shaming either option and leave it to the parents to decide what is best for their family. (I’m a hospice nurse now, and I don’t always agree with my patients choices – i.e., a lung cancer patient complaining of a chronic productive cough who is still smoking a pack of cigarettes a day – but it is my job to inform them of their choices and the likely outcomes of each and let them make their decision without projecting my feelings or making judgments.)
Unfortunately, I know from personal experience and from reading this site, that many health care professionals are far too eager to impose their own views and choices on those that they are supposed to be educating, in effect, making the choices for them. Which is shameful.
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Someone Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 5:31 pm (Quote)
She didn’t say “Please don’t ask me about circumcision, I’m against it”
She said nurse Asshole “don’t ask me to mutilate my child’s gentiles.”
There is a difference in “no thanks, no need to ask about circumcision for my child!” and calling it gentile mutilation! Wording does count.
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Tee Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 7:03 pm (Quote)
Exactly! For me, the problem comes in with the choice of wording here. If the nurse was pushing circumcision, that would be one thing. But if the nurse was simply asking and readily accepted the answer “no” then this choice of wording was far too harsh and inappropriate.
For what it’s worth, I don’t agree with circumcision. But that is my opinion and my choice. I don’t have the right to push my beliefs off on another person.
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Toni Reply:
April 24th, 2012 at 10:11 am (Quote)
You don’t want to call it mutilation, not because that is “rude”, but because it causes you cognitive dissonance to regard it that way. But circumcision (especially of an unwilling, unconsenting, minor child) IS mutilation – it permanently disfigures and deprives the boy of an essential part. That is the definition of mutilation. No, “asshole” isn’t necessary, tho I don’t think that was in response to RIC so much as to the ‘this is what yor husband is for’ business, but if you want to be treated politely, then you need to treat others the same way.
There is nothing rude about responding to the question ‘do you want your son circ’d?’ with “No, I am not planning on engaging in Male Genital Mutilation”.
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What? No, I thought you were coming home with me when we left…. geez.
I was always told by the nurses that if I needed them, they’d help me. Learning how to take care of a baby doesn’t happen instantly and you need extra help when you’re incapacitated. I thought that was the point of the hospital stay for the mom, so she could have support by medical staff?
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birdflippin' had this to say,
Apr 17, 2012 @ 8:08 am (Quote)
My DH is legally deaf out of his right ear, so if he’s sleeping on his left and snoring, I could call him until the cows come home and he won’t wake.
You, nurse cranky, are being paid to be awake. So shut up and help mom.
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Mandy had this to say,
Apr 17, 2012 @ 8:17 am (Quote)
My husband had been wide awake & wonderfully helpful after I went into labor at bedtime. He was my only help & didn’t sleep until a few hours after she was born (so 2 days without sleep). He was exhausted. I, on the other hand, was on my birth high & sleep wasnt an option. I would have gotten a bit rude if a nurse had spoken so hatefully of my wonderful husband.
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Bonita Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 3:39 pm (Quote)
Hear hear! If the husband is crashed out after labor, that probably means he was working HARD during the labor with supporting and caring for his wife. He isn’t superman, on a normal night he probably wouldn’t have been up for a full day and thus be completely exhausted physically and emotionally. So lets let the poor guy get some sleep!
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lilmrsmchenry had this to say,
Apr 17, 2012 @ 8:50 am (Quote)
Really? I didn’t realize that my husband was on the hospital payroll! That will come in handy when we have to get all those little baby items that tend to add up. 
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Jen had this to say,
Apr 17, 2012 @ 9:47 am (Quote)
I had an awesome nurse for two overnight shifts when my first was born. I was very sick, and my DH hadn’t left my side. He had fallen into a deep sleep when labor finally picked up (induction). I called him as loud as I could, which was barely a whisper, and couldn’t wake him. I paged the nurse to wake him so he could support me. She didn’t complain. Wish I could have had her for all my births.
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Jespren had this to say,
Apr 17, 2012 @ 9:52 am (Quote)
Nurse’s call button, within reach.
Something to throw firm enough to wake up husband but soft enough not to injure him?…hmmm, nope, not within arms reach.
We might have been up just as long (or longer) and have done much/all of the work but moms also have all kinds of hormones in our system that makes us easier to rouse and help us deal with limited sleep. Dads, not so much. So many times dads are, in reality, more ‘tired’ than mom is right after the birth. Trying to wake a sleeping husband isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
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Our nurses yelled at us when we tried to do anything for ourselves! If we were changing baby’s diaper when they came in, they would push us aside: “There’s no need for you to change diapers while you’re here! You’ll be doing enough of that once you get home!”
Heck, one nurse yelled at me for not calling her before I BF the baby. “We’re here to help you make sure things are going well!”
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genniemom Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 12:04 pm (Quote)
That is absolutely terrifying. I do not want any strangers touching my baby, ever, and I only accept breastfeeding help from people who are fully qualified. I’ve had too much conflicting advice from L&D nurses. I won’t even get started on the ‘push you aside’ thing. Not okay. An offer of help would be much nicer, as long as choice is still involved.
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I was offended by my hospital for the exact opposite reason. They kept coming in and offering things to my husband to make him more comfortable. They even insisted that he eat a free meal right next to me during transition. All I got was apple juice! For the record, though, the OP’s submission would have also really offended me. My sister got the same attitude in our local NICU. “We are not your free babysitters.” Yet they did not provide anywhere for her to stay to take care of her baby.
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Kayla Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 2:18 pm (Quote)
Holy cow! That “we are not your free babysitters” comment would’ve infuriated me if I was told that by a NICU nurse. My son spent 2 weeks there and trust me, it wasn’t by any means free. And if a NICU nurse likens herself/himself to a “babysitter” instead of a trained healthcare professional I’d be highly concerned!! Because that’s why they put preemies in the Nicu.. to be babysat? Sorry, that one pissed me off! I’m done ranting.
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Sheva Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 4:17 pm (Quote)
My sister, an RN, does homecare, and one of the therapists working with her patient asked her, ‘Until when is the baby eligible for babysitting?’ So offensive! Nursing is not babysitting.
On the other hand, if all a nurse does is babysitting, she’s doing it wrong.
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not mine but I did do a double take for a second. Same scenario, different style of balking from the nurse. First, I’ll describe how much sleep we’d had. Woke up Wednesday morning around 9am. labor started that evening just as we were getting into bed. it continued all thursday, all friday, and finally I had a c-section a little after midnight saturday morning. So the time spent awake was a good bit longer than labor. dh was able to get a couple very short cat naps in, me, not so much. So, we’re pretty much sleeping for the first time in days.
Anyway, to the point. Same scenario, having just been cut open, I can’t reach my baby who is *screaming* I start yelling at my husband to wake up and get her for me. I get louder and louder, and he is not stirring. I can’t reach him to poke him. I can’t reach my cell phone on the table. I don’t even have a nurse call button except for the emergency one that makes alarms go off (which I used when I REALLY HAD TO PEE and couldn’t get out of bed myself. Finally, after that, they gave me a call button) so, a nurse walks in to take my vitals. A “mom” nurse, as the moms and babies have separate nurses. I asked her to hand me my baby. She starts stammering nervously like, “you want me to pick her up? Umm.. I’ve never actually held a baby before” WTF?! Wrong floor, woman! So then I asked her to wake my husband up and ask him to get me my baby, which she did. He’d never held a baby before that night either. My husband had no memory of this the next day. I coslept with my baby the rest of the hospital stay.
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Details Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 12:20 pm (Quote)
Speaking of call buttons. With my first child mine didn’t work, but the one on the other bed did. There was nobody in the other bed. One nurse gave me the working call button. Another took it away from me – while I was sleeping. Grrrr
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Melanie Reply:
August 10th, 2012 at 11:51 pm (Quote)
Hospitals really need to improve communication. It’s possible that the second nurse saw it and said “hmm, that’s not suppossed to be here, so it doesn’t cause a trip hazard I’ll put it away.” First nurse’s fault for not sharing the info. But if she took it away so you wouldn’t “bother” her, a polite but firm “so I should name you on the abandonment of care complaint?” is in order.
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You’re a nurse and that means your job is to take care of your patient. Your patient is the Mom and it’s Mom’s job to take care of her baby. Hand her the kid and then go back to work! It’s not difficult, nurse, it’s really not! Heck, I love holding babies, so I’d be quite content to do nothing all day but going from room to room, helping a Mom out however I can!
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This one is mine as well. They’re really going through mine quick! I could have sworn it was supposed to be tomorrow. Good thing I read this blog obsessively.
Not only did I have about the worst birth experience possible I had the worst post-partum experience too. My ex-husband and I were 20 and 22 and I seriously think that a lot of what happened to me was prejudice against our age. A lot of people assumed we had accidentally gotten pregnant, then got married when in reality we’d been married for 7 months when we got the great news we were expecting. We also live in a rather rich area of California and despite being at an HMO hospital it was in the richest zip codes nearby. So we were “poor” and young which seemed to be a sin here.
At the time the HMO had a policy of needing to BF every 3 hours on the dot, for 10-15 mins each side for 24 hours before they would discharge you. My ex is nearly impossible to wake up from sleep when he’s getting enough, so 2 days awake I knew was never going to happen. I was flabbergasted that she felt the need to openly express her hostility and thank goodness she was the night nurse and gone by 7am. I don’t think I would have tolerated her any longer.
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Hmmm…I wonder what this nurse would say to a woman giving birth and recovering in the hospital *without* a husband there?
I did with my first; I was completely alone after the birth was over and my mother and sisters left me. Would she have said something rude too, or is it only if the partner is actually man enough to BE there that this snide comment is unleashed?
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Even though I actually agree with the nurse, her comment was completely unprofessional. You work there, a patient asked for your help, so keep your personal opinions to yourself.
With that being said though, my husband helped make this baby that I’m carrying, he can help me WITH it. Wake up and help! If he thinks HE’S gonna be tired after what I just did, he’s insulting me. STFU and help with your damn kid!
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Toni Reply:
April 19th, 2012 at 7:09 am (Quote)
That’s just a tad unfair. What works for one family may not work so well for another. For myself, I know I’m on that “birth high” for a few days (hell, weeks) after delivery. My husband does not get the benefit of those hormones. He did crash pretty hard after the birth of our first child (he’d been awake longer than I had at that point). So I didn’t have an issue letting him get some rest.
Of course, I love and respect my husband and he loves and respects me, and neither of us is totally immature, so I would never tell him to “shut the ___ up” or order him around, and he would never treat me that way. Hmmm.
Anyways. So I didn’t have a problem giving him that first night “off”. Especially since I was in the hospital with nurses there whose JOB it is to assist me (if need be). With our second child he went home to take care of our older child the first night. I guess I’m not as easily “insulted” as you are, lol. Tho I’m not exactly sure how sleeping is insulting to anyone. Is he supposed to remain awake until you are discharged from the hospital? Would it not be preferable for him to get some rest while you are in the hopstial so when you go home (and that “high” has worn off, and the nurses are not present anymore) he is more able to help you? Just a thought.
Then again I’m an old lady (31) with some perspective , my husband is an airman so I’m used to being independent and not having someone hold my hand thru everything in life, and I have some respect for myself and my husband and I don’t think in terms of telling him to “STFU” and take care of “his” (umm, **our** anyone?) “damn” kid (wow.).
With all due respect, maybe it’s time for some anger mgt or marriage counseling…
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MomOf3 Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 5:23 am (Quote)
I’m cracking up over here because you are calling yourself mature and respectful but my, are you quick to assume and judge.
As someone who is in a wonderful, happy marriage and lots of perspective after having three kids, I would definitely tell my husband to get his butt out of bed and help with the baby. And he would. Our marriage consists of teamwork and respect. And while I have never told him to STFU, I have told him to get his lazy ass out of bed and help and he laughed.
For you to read one short paragraph that someone wrote and to take that paragraph and assume that 1. she is young 2. that she is disrespectful to her husband and 3. she needs anger mgt or marriage counseling leads me to believe that you are not as mature and respectful as you like to believe you are. With all due respect.
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Toni Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 6:47 am (Quote)
Respectful of those who show respect to myself and others. Assuming that a man who dared (gasp) to fall asleep (after a physically and emotionally exhauting event, at that) without his wife’s permission (wtf?) isn’t taking responsibility for his child, is not terribly respectful, and I found it more than a little hostile (and immature) to say “STFU and take care of your damn kid”. It’s not like the guy was watching TV or playing on his iPad. He was asleep. At night. After what was likely a long day (or two. or three.). And a very emotional experience. Yeah. What a jerk (eyeroll).
She did go on to say that she had a “hormonal moment”, so I can certainly understand (being 9 mos along myself I get it – I’m a tad hormonal myself, which I’m sure explains some of why this rubbed me the wrong way). But I did find her implication offensive. And called her out on it.
And you’re right, I shouldn’t have assumed she was young, but her post sure sounded like someone who either hadn’t been married long, didn’t actually have children, and/or had that overdeveloped sense of entitlement (It’s all about meeeee!!!,) that, right, wrong, or indifferent, I do tend to associate with younger people (not that all young people act that way, or that older people are immune to it, but I’ve seen it more in the under 25 crowd, JME).
FTR, there is nothing wrong (and everything right) about asking your spouse for help when you need it. But if you are still in the hospital, you know that your spouse in understandably exhausted (as evidenced by being passed out in a chair/fold out cot), and you have that handy-dandy nurse call button to page someone who is being paid to be awake and assist you, well, why wouldn’t you let him sleep? It’s not like you have no other option or like there won’t be PLENTY of time to work out the specifics of the division of nighttime parenting duties once you are home… It shouldn’t be seen as a reflection on how he feels about his kids, or what kind of dad he will be. And that was what I had an issue with – her implication that any father who might dare to sleep at night in the hosptial whilst his wife and child is being taken care of by a whole nursing staff is some sort of deadbeat. That’s BS. And I suspect she knows it.
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My marriage is fine. I’m 8 months pregnant and VERY hormonal, okay? I do not go around telling my husband those things (though I do think them). I KNOW it’s OUR kid, but who doesn’t get those frustrating moments where you say things? And I’m actually a year older than you (old lady at 32 here), way to assume. I had a moment so you can chill out, thanks.
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C.Pratt Reply:
April 19th, 2012 at 5:01 pm (Quote)
Lol, I can relate to hormonal moments. I can say from personal experience they will come back to bite you. (Old lady of 32 here too.) Sometimes even the most heartfelt apology won’t undo the harm words can do. But you never have to apologise for something that goes unsaid Wish I had kept that in mind when I was 7 months pregnant and damaged a relationship with a brother in law who won’t take sorry and just let it go.
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Toni Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 6:52 am (Quote)
No plbm. Count me in the hormonal category too (9 mos pregnant). We all get those frustrated moments. I understand. I just found it really disturbing that people might think less of my husband for something that is so NOT a reflection of anything other than being, well, tired, lol.
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Mrs. Lynn Reply:
April 20th, 2012 at 9:30 am (Quote)
Thank you. I DO treat my husband with the utmost respect. He is MY ONLY link to sanity these days and my best friend. He read it and even he laughed because he knows I don’t say stuff like that.
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Mrs. Lynn Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 9:01 am (Quote)
Also, I didn’t say anything about your husband. I just don’t think anyone should complain about being tired in front of a woman who just gave birth. I find it insensitive. I will have just pushed a kid through me and you’re going to tell me you’re too tired? Excuse me if I have zero sympathy.
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Toni Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 9:22 am (Quote)
Fair enough, but you’ve taken it out of context. Being asleep is NOT the same thing as telling a newly delivered mother that you are “too tired”. If you read the pink link you would see that the guy, a heavy sleeper to begin with, had been awake for at least 48 hours and couldn’t be roused. I’m sure had he been awake, or had she managed to wake him, he would have been happy to help. No one was “complaining aobut being tired” in front of a newly delivered mama. Well, the only one who was complaining was nursie-poo, but not for being tired, for having to do her job. Seems if you want to get upset over anything, you’d get upset over that.
FWIW – if we were talking about a 4 mo baby who’d been up half the night and the mother trying to wake the father so he could take over (and she could get some rest), yeah, I’d be right there with ya I just think the context here matters.
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Mrs.Lynn Reply:
April 21st, 2012 at 1:33 pm (Quote)
The nurse’s comment was unprofessional and her personal opinion was not needed. I believe I mentioned that. It is part of her job whether she likes it or not. I read the pink link. That’s completely different. In the context of what happened with the OP, I can see why her husband was unable to wake up.
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I know this sounds really jerky, but many OB nurses are trying to get the parents used to caring for the baby. It;s not necessarily a bad thing to teach dad to get up when the baby cries. Of course, he may see the hospital stay as his one last chance to get some sleep…
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Emma Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 5:20 am Emma(Quote)
Or he could be exhausted from being up for several days.
This is exactly what happened to me. I called for help; my partner was asleep (on the floor) after barely sleeping for two days. The nurse told me it was “hubby’s job” to help me, and to wake him up next time. No, it’s YOUR job as a nurse, don’t be so condescending and snippy.
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Bonita Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 3:34 pm Bonita(Quote)
Funny story. My ODD’s birth was a long and complicated one. Aftward my dh and I crashed. When the nurse came in to check my vitals I saw the baby in distress (aspirating spit up) and I was so drugged I couldn’t verbalize anything. The nurse looked to where I was looking and grabbed the baby and ran her to the nursery for suctioning (in the bassinette of course). I couldn’t walk yet, so I started trying to yell at DH to get up and go with the baby. I ended up having to throw a cup at his head to get him to wake up. Poor guy was almost as exhausted as I was. I chuckle about it now, but at the time it was scary.
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Sheva Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 5:52 am Sheva(Quote)
The husband does need to learn to help, but under normal circumstances that he would come across at home. “Mom’s legs immobilized due to heavy drugs” is not one of those scenarios. Wherever medical issues are involved (as was clearly in this case) it is the nurse’s responsibility.
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Penny Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 6:23 am Penny(Quote)
My husband works third shift and had been up for over 48 hours when we had our son. Thankfully I could get up and get him, but I would have had to call a nurse if I were unable to get out of bed. Nothing would have woken him up. He did help and go without sleep after his initial crash. It’s the nurses job to help the mother.
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C.Pratt Reply:
April 17th, 2012 at 1:53 pm C.Pratt(Quote)
I’m sure some nurses actually have themselves convinced they are helping (the people who are paying them to help) by refusing to help. The sad thing about what I just said there? I’m not joking.
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