Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Feb
22
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…It Will Just End Up In A Strainer.”
“Why? It’s not like you are 19, 20 weeks. Honestly, it’ll just end up in a strainer.” – OB to mother before a D&E for a pregnancy loss, when the mother stated she would like to have the 14 week fetus cremated.
There are 29 comments to this post.
She is not asking for an open casket funeral you ass, she just wants the body cremated. It really doesn’t matter that it is in parts or that the placenta is mixed in. Just say yes ma’am, I’ll see what needs to be done. Oh but you have to admit that you don’t know the procedure and you also have to admit that this Product of Conception was a person and you failed to deliver him/her alive and healthy. Poor doctor, deal with your own issues on your own time. Patient issues come first. Grief counseling anyone. First lesson you aren’t the most important person in the room.
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Skyfire Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 9:06 am (Quote)
I…I wouldn’t say the doctor failed in her responsibilities to deliver a healthy baby. The miscarriage itself probably wasn’t the doctor’s fault. She did fail to be compassionate, and that is a failure.
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Rebecca Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 10:14 am (Quote)
I think what Details was trying to say was that the doctor has to admit that a baby was lost. Too often on here it seems the OBs (or other birth professionals) don’t want to think of a miscarriage (or pregnancy with an imperfect baby) as a baby but use other terms like “products of conception. This is probably something they do to distance themselves from the tragedy of the mother’s loss and having to admit that they couldn’t do anything.
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Details Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 11:11 am (Quote)
thank you Rebecca! I’m sure it is very hard to be an OB when miscarriages and still birth happen. I’m really sure it is. But all they have to do is say “I’m sorry for your loss” and be agreeable. There is abosultely no point in telling anybody that the way they grieve is not the way you think you would grieve or the way the last mother grieved. It really doesn’t matter if you have been there and done it differently or never been there at all. They really should have the names of several counselors in their pockets because this does happen way too frequently to just ignore it.
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Skyfire Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 11:29 pm (Quote)
I still don’t think that if the doctor truly doesn’t feel a fetus of that age is a baby that s/he should have to say s/he does; I think it would be enough to acknowledge the mother’s feelings without even getting into his or her own.
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Details Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 5:01 am (Quote)
You still don’t get it. Maybe you don’t want to get it. But the doctors have to protect their own emotions to get through the day. So mentally they sometimes tell themselves it isn’t a baby, much as you have, to get through the day between mothers lossing wanted babies and women aborted unwanted babies. My point is that it doesn’t matter to me if it upsets the doctor’s little mental tricks if he/she has to “suck it up and deal with” the fact that a mother wants to cremate or bury a fetus of only 14 weeks. I never said he/she had to out loud admit that it was a baby. The reference I made was that he/she might be in danger of privately messing up his/her own little coping mechanisms. And I strongly suggest that each and every OB have a counselor he/she can talk to about these things on a regular basis. It is a very high stress job with high burn out rates. Grief counseling FOR THE DOCTOR is a wonderful thing! If he/she doesn’t have an appropriate place to dump his/her emotional baggage then he/she is going to dump on mothers – thus this site!
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BECAUSE IT’S THEIR FREAKING BABY, YOU DOUCHE CANOE!!! Really, you needed to ask “Why?”!!!
Makes me thankful for my local clinic – miscarriages do go to pathology for testing, but they’re released to the parents if they wish, and if not they’re sent to the local funeral home for cremation.
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first time mommy had this to say,
Feb 22, 2012 @ 7:34 am (Quote)
How HARD is it just to say something like, “Of course. That will be fine. I’m so sorry this had to happen to you”
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wow. way to take whatever images mom would have had about her little one and turn them into something much worse. does it really matter whether there would be a little or a lot to be creamated? its not like it will affect this doctor in any way once he leaves the room – but it certainly will affect the mommy.
op – i’m so sorry. i hope that you were able to find a way to have your baby treated with the dignity and respect they deserved.
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sheila stubbs had this to say,
Feb 22, 2012 @ 9:10 am (Quote)
I miscarried an 11 week fetus (13 weeks according to the OB, but I’m going by conception) And let me tell you it was not a clump of goo stuck in a strainer, I scooped a tiny baby boy off the bed and measured his tiny little foot – the same length as the fingernail on my pinky. It was a miniature, male, human being.
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I am personally just as baffled by this doctor that this woman wants to do this. However, if I was this doctor, I would not say this to her, or express my bafflement. I would simply nod, and respect her beliefs and wishes. Why is it so hard to show compassion? I understand that even less.
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amanda Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 11:37 am (Quote)
you are baffled that the mom wishes her baby be creamated and put to rest in a cemetary or other such place, instead of being thrown in to be creamated with the medical waste from the entire hospital and stuck who knows where?
when our baby who measured 12 weeks was lost we had him burried in the cemetary with his older brother, and no one expressed that this baffled them. maybe cultural differences…
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Skyfire Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 11:21 pm (Quote)
I am very sorry for your loss; I didn’t mean to offend anyone who has different beliefs from me, and I’m glad you were able to do what you wished with the remains.
My only point was that; this doctor, in addition to caring for the mother’s body, has an obligation to help her begin to heal emotionally as well, regardless of her (the doctor’s) personal beliefs. The doctor would not have had to agree with the mother, even understand where she’s coming from, to show compassion.
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Why do doctors have such a hard time understanding that it’s a baby! This mother lost her child!
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C.Pratt Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 12:23 pm (Quote)
Tee, there you are! Have you been ok? Some of us were wondering about you.
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Tee Reply:
February 22nd, 2012 at 2:18 pm (Quote)
Oh my goodness, ya’ll are so sweet! It’s nice to know that I was missed! I’m doing better now, thank you. About two weeks back, I went to the ER and they found several kidney stones and a severe kidney infection. I had some problems getting the infection to clear up and it still isn’t gone, despite the heavy duty antibiotics I’m on. My time on the computer was so limited due to the pain and side effects from the medications. Still not doing very well but certainly doing better!
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Asked weeks after a D&E of a baby at 16 weeks for fetal demise, “what happens to the remains” and the nurse on the phone said, “IT goes out with the medical waste.” She was quite nasty. In my state, the law now (because I went to my rep to get it changed) that a mother will be told of her right to have the remains for disposition if she so desires. I was actually told by a social worker from the hospital later that the remains are cremated. I wish I’d known to ask for them, and could have buried the remains of my little boy.
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“You treat a disease, you win, you loose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.”
“Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.”
“We need to start treating the patient as well as the disease.”
What’s wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we’re going to fight a disease…
let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all: indifference.”
Patch Adams should open a school. One which is mandatory for ALL medical professionals to attend to learn about treating human beings first and foremost, and then, after you treat the person with respect and dignity, you can move on to try and resolving whatever ailments they may have.
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That is horrible! I do not understand why there is such lack of compassion. I am so sorry that your OB said this to you.
I had a missed miscarriage and D&E at 9 weeks and my baby was cremated. I am glad our hospital participates in the SHARE program and we even have a plot to visit at the cemetery. I wish this were available to all women who wanted it.
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