Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jan
27
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“You Don’t Need To Be Concerned If It Will Affect Your Sex Life, You Have A Baby Now…”
“You don’t need to be concerned if it will affect your sex life, you have a baby now. It’s not all about you anymore.” - Midwife refusing to suture second degree tear, and mother expressed concern (not relating to sex) if it would heal unassisted.
There are 33 comments to this post.
Kristie S. had this to say,
Jan 27, 2012 @ 2:31 pm (Quote)
This is so wrong on so many counts.
1. Yes – even after having a baby you deserve a satisfying sex life. My OB has asked after the birth of both of my children how my sex life is and to let him know if I have any issues because he can help me fix them.
2. The implication that the only reason she would want it sewn up is for sex. I hate the old OB trick of “Oh I’m sewing her up extra tight so it’ll be like having sex with a virgin again” it is repulsive and can make sex super painful for the woman.
3. Did she even mention sex??? She has a freaking rip in her perineum and wants to know if it will heal properly without stitches. All you have to say is – I prefer not to stitch because that is so much better for you because….fill in credible research and factual information here.
SHEESH
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Michelle Potter Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 4:47 pm (Quote)
The thing that bugs me most is the suggestion that the suture would be beneficial to her sex life, but she’s selfish for asking for it.
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There is SO MUCH wrong with this. First, I suspect the midwife is refusing to suture because she isn’t competent at it, which is a whole ‘nother issue. Second, like most full-grown humans, I would like my body to continue to serve me in every capacity (including sexually) for many, many years to come, long past the baby-having stage. Third, I didn’t get the memo that my sex life with my husband was supposed to end because we chose to have a child. (Or else we wouldn’t be having another one. :p) I hate incompetence hidden as “I can’t do this, therefore it’s your fault for needing it!”
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granted i had a HORRID tear and it affected nothing sex or otherwise BUT this is just lazy on the midwife’s part if the woman wants her gaping wound to be sewn up that is kind of… TOTALLY your job miwifey-mam
side note – nobody really ever knew how bad my tear really was since my midwife wasn’t called to the birth (hospital screw up) and the medwife that “delivered” my son (read: stood there and watched me like she wasn’t sure what to do cause I wasn’t her patient) didn’t even tell me I tore ADD to all that my midwife didn’t even know that i’d had my baby until 48 hours later… she was none to pleased, obviously. she is the one that asked me if I’d asked not to be sewn up… we didn’t know what she was talking about!
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Nicci P had this to say,
Jan 27, 2012 @ 2:49 pm (Quote)
Clearly this midwife has sex on the brain.
Having breastfeeding problems? You need to get it together, your breasts aren’t just for sex, you know.
want to know how much you should be exercising during pregnancy? Well sex is a form of exercise and you certainly shouldn’t be doing any of *that* …you have a baby to think of.
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Okay, so I have a question. Does this mean that you’re only suppose to have one child? I mean, last time I checked, sex was how babies were made. (For the most part.) If you’re not suppose to have sex after having a baby, does that mean you’re only suppose to have one child?
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This is not mine personally, but submitted for my SIL who told me the story.
When SIL asked about pelvic floor stability and continence without stitches, the midwife replied with a brusque lecture about conforming to the misongyny of believing a woman should be “tight” to please her husband, and finished up with that gem. She also provided no information about healing well (She never mentioned resting, herbal or salt baths, drinking Ural to prevent burning wile urinating – nothing. I gave all that information.)
SIL also requested the same midwife to take a second look 2 days after birth, as she still felt sore and just “wrong” and was told she was just making a fuss. A GP visit a few days later got her the sutures she desperately needed, it was a borderline 3rd degree tear, and she had a cystocele (bladder prolapse into the vagina.) She will be having surgery to repair it shortly.
This came after SIL had said “I think I’m starting to push” the midwife said “no you’re not,” turned her back, and the baby’s head popped out like a rocket, among other unfeeling and unprofessional remarks and behaviour during her labour.
Sadly, this was a homebirth midwife, and SIL will not be repeating the experience.
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Vallery Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 3:48 pm (Quote)
I’ve been worried that this day would come – when ‘medwives’ start realizing what’s up with homebirth popularity, and move into that market touting individualized care for the sake of making bank on women who assume they have their best interests at heart. :-/
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Robym Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 8:10 pm (Quote)
That doesn’t sound like the definition of MEDwife to me. The way I’ve come to understand it, a medwife takes a more medically minded approach. The need to manage things that should just be left alone, etc. For stitching, I see a medwife offering sutures for skidmarks. It sounds like this “care” provider just didn’t care about ANYTHING except getting paid.
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kbdidit Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 10:07 pm (Quote)
Incompetence can exist in every profession and it’s very sad to see it in such a fledgling movement. Opposition to home birth is so prevalent that any screw up like this tends to sour anyone who hears about on the entire profession/movement. Very, very sad.
OP, I hope your SIL goes on to have a much better birth experience with later pregnancies either at home or in the hospital and I really hope she doesn’t through the baby out with the bath water when it comes to home birth midwives. Just because this one sucked doesn’t mean there aren’t a dozen great ones within reach.
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Angelica Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 6:06 am (Quote)
he doesn’t sound like a medwife to me, I like to think a medwife is a mini doctor that can’t do a c-section, but acts and think like one in every other way. This one sounds like someone who is using birth to push a feminazi agenda. (Not that all feminists are bad, I identify as one, but there are bad ones.)
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abba12 Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 3:50 pm (Quote)
I can’t believe that was a homebirth midwife, that’s awful! Can you share her name so others know never to use her?
I had the opposite problem, I couldn’t use local anesthetic so to have my MINOR tear stitched up they would have to give me a spinal tap, which I didn’t want. I asked about the risks of leaving it unstitched and the doctors began talking nonsense about it tearing through to my anus, and how not stitching would be like not removing cancer, and I would definitely get an infection. I saw through it, but they got my husband very scared, and in the end he gave in and told me I needed to get it stitched, so I did.
Now your sister in law obviously needed stitches, that tear sounds severe, I’m glad she knew enough to go see the doctor instead of leaving it at what the midwife said. But while you have some people at that extreme, I had a minor tear that, 20 years ago, would never have been stitched, and they act like I’m dying.
*rolls eyes*
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Mama Wrench Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 7:33 am (Quote)
Wait, what’s Ural? No one told me about that, either; I tore pretty badly (6 stitches, 2 internal) and I’m only just starting to get comfortable peeing at 3 weeks’ postpartum 
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Serene Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 6:21 am (Quote)
Your SIL’s story reminds me of my own first birth. I was punished for being a 15yo girl in labour. I got a 4th degree tear, forceps, I was knocked out with Pethidine, tied to the bed, force-fed ice and crackers (I know I know at least I was allowed to eat) to the point I vomited all over my naked exposed self, not allowed any pain relief for the tear in the healing period… the list goes on. its horrible
Im sorry her experience was so bad.
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This is disgusting. Why is ob/gyn care always like this?!? Either you’re forced into interventions you DON’T want and aren’t medically necessary, or you’re refused interventions you DO want, and that ARE necessary. Why do OBs/Medwives suddenly stop caring about the moolah as soon as an intervention is actually warranted?
I’ll tell you why: POWER TRIPS.
I repeat; DISGUSTING.
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Wendy Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 4:42 pm (Quote)
To be fair, the provider could have just as easily been a CPM…
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Rachel T Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 6:13 pm (Quote)
We have Thoughtful Thursdays to remind us that while this kind of “care” exists, there are also providers who provide excellent care.
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Mama Wrench Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 7:39 am (Quote)
Problem is, studies have shown that when people receive bad service, they remember it longer and tell more people than if they receive good service — and especially when you’re dealing with something as personal and intimate as childbirth and gynecological health.
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Dear midwife, just admit you suck at suturing and refer me out to someone who’s competent at his/her job. Better yet, tell me you suck at/don’t like suturing at the INITIAL INTERVIEW so I can make an informed choice.
OP, sorry your SIL got such terrible care I hope she has an opportunity to give feedback (I recommend http://thebirthsurvey.org/ )
My midwife takes great pride in her suturing skills and I appreciate them so much (needed a small repair).
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This doesn’t sound like a med wife at all. This sounds like a hippy type midwife who has taken up the mysogyny banner to the extent that she never even learned to suture because it was against her belief system. Perhpas this was her first patient who actually needed repairs, but she was carrying too much emotional baggage to even take a serious look.
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She’s right, you know. Once you have a baby you should never have sex again. If you want more than one child you should have stored that sperm in your ovaries for later; if you didn’t, that was just bad planning!
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PetraStrider Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 3:05 pm PetraStrider(Quote)
That’s what I told my mom & dad when I was eleven!
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Amanda Reply:
January 27th, 2012 at 3:06 pm Amanda(Quote)
SEE?! Even an eleven year old knows better! My goodness.
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