Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jan
23
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“It’s Just Like Skin And Stuff.”
“It’s just like skin & stuff.” – Emergency Department Nurse to mother who passed a 10 week baby during a miscarriage.
There are 22 comments to this post.
People. PEOPLE.
Memorize this sentence: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
When you deal with a mother (or father) experiencing a pregnancy loss, use the above phrase. Try to plaster a sympathetic expression on your face while you do it. AVOID any other attempts to “comfort” the mother, in particular any statements that imply she should not be grieving because the baby is somehow valueless.
There. IS THAT SO HARD?
[Reply]
Amanda Reply:
January 23rd, 2012 at 11:03 am (Quote)
You wouldn’t think it would be so hard, yet it certainly seems to be for so many people.
[Reply]
Corita Reply:
January 23rd, 2012 at 11:08 am (Quote)
Agreed! Why isn’t this part of training for hcp’s? Or is it that they get so used to the feeling that they get to *do* something to everybody that they suffer an overwhelming compulsion to try to *fix* grief?
Sitting with someone, not talking, just being there close by in acknowledgement of the sadness of a situation, is also a very decent and effective way to show someone support in grief.
[Reply]
Robyn Reply:
January 24th, 2012 at 1:12 pm (Quote)
You know, this is really sound advice. However, we need to remember that not every person grieves the same way. When I miscarried (12 weeks) in April of ’10, I felt like I was doing really well for the first few months. I wasn’t as broken up inside as I had always thought that I would be. Yeah, I was sad, but it didn’t invade my thoughts every minute of every day.
I was ok with this phrase coming from people I knew; it felt sincere coming from them. However, talking about it online I felt like people were at a loss for words. It felt like a script. I’d bring it up in a discussion and I’d get a couple comments that read the exact same way and the thread would die. I wanted to TALK about it and it felt like everyone out there was going “Oh, no! She brought up pregnancy loss! What do I say?! Well, this is pretty sympathetic. I’ll say this and hope she doesn’t bring up the subject again.”
In the past, I’ve explained how much I hated that line. I had someone ask me once what I would have rather heard. The thing is, I don’t know. I understand that the people who recite that line truly mean it, but to me it felt like they didn’t know what to say so they just said that.
On the other hand, though, even though I’d been through two miscarriages I still couldn’t figure out what to say to my friend as she was miscarrying.
[Reply]
Jane Reply:
January 24th, 2012 at 4:45 pm (Quote)
It’s scripted, yes, but it’s also better than “You know, the devil did that, right?” or “It wasn’t really a baby, so you’ll be okay” or “You’ll young and just have more.”
“Happy birthday!” and “Happy new year!” are also scripted. 
I think if we’re talking about a medical professional who is probably going to say it many times during her career, a scripted non-offensive response is a good thing, especially if it’s going to be the first thing a mother hears after her loss. Pretty much any scripted response would be better than “It’s just like skin and stuff.” :-b
[Reply]
road2vba2c had this to say,
Jan 23, 2012 @ 8:23 am (Quote)
What a horrible thing to say to a grieving mother… and OP I’m so very sorry for your loss…
but I can’t help but notice the improper use of the word “like”. Is the nurse 16?
[Reply]
first time mommy Reply:
January 23rd, 2012 at 9:11 am (Quote)
I’m guilty of the improper use of the word “like” 
and I’m 24! (almost 25)
But I agree. It is very unprofessional and not appropriate.
[Reply]
I don’t understand this one any more than I understand the “it’s just a clump of cells” argument. We’re all just clumps of cells, people! And we’re all just “skin and stuff.”
OP, I am so sorry that you had to hear this. How awful. I’m so sorry for your loss.
[Reply]
Mama Wrench had this to say,
Jan 23, 2012 @ 3:44 pm (Quote)
Oh for the love of Pete… Seriously?! Never mind the possibility that the mom was able to see her baby, which can be extremely traumatizing enough without a “medical professional” telling you you didn’t see what you saw. Is this REALLY what medical staff should believe about babies who clearly have arms, legs, hands, faces, and tiny hearts? Being an ER nurse is no excuse when information is readily available online.
[Reply]
Holly Stewart had this to say,
Jan 23, 2012 @ 7:11 pm (Quote)
This was mine, the miscarriage was my second pregnancy.
I discovered I was pregnant at 5 weeks, saw an alive and wiggling baby on ultrasound with a heartbeat at 6 weeks 1 day. All went well for the next 4 weeks, until I started spotting. An ultrasound revealed our baby had passed sometime in the 2 weeks prior, without my knowledge.
I was immediately urged to get a D&C or take medication, since I was farther along, they thought I would bleed too much. Having had my first child at home, I knew I didn’t want that kind of exit for my baby, alive or not. I decided to wait it out at home and let my body do what it needed to.
At 10 weeks 5 days I began miscarrying my baby. I was determined to “catch” my baby and give it a proper memorial.. I strained everything as I passed it.
After 4 hours of massive blood loss (soaking a pad every 30 minutes plus clots the size of my fist) and having still seen no baby, I passed out from the blood loss. An ambulance came and I was transferred to the ER.
It turned out that the placenta/sac had lodged in my cervix, which was causing me to bleed. I was incredibly sore from all the contractions and bleeding, and then had to undergo torture from the ER doctor and this nurse.. they set me up for a pelvic exam, and without saying anything, the ER doctor just started putting things inside me. I screamed at him and demanded to know what he was doing, why, and with what. Even when I begged him to stop as he was scraping clots out of me, he refused and kept going as I laid on the table crying my eyes out and writhing in pain. He then pushed on my stomach and pulled out what was lodged in my cervix. I asked if it was the baby, the doctor replied “Its very deteriorated” and the nurse said “It’s just like skin and stuff” and they tried to take it away. I demanded to be allowed to see it. My husband and I looked, but everything was such a mess, we couldn’t find anything that resembled a baby.
Pathology results came back that there actually was no fetal tissue present. Our best guess is since the baby passed away so long before the miscarriage happened, that it was reabsorbed by my body. As much as I wanted to see the baby, I was glad that was the case instead of me missing it go down the toilet, or it being left in that hospital.
[Reply]
Jade Reply:
January 24th, 2012 at 7:52 am (Quote)
that is absolutely terrible Holly. I am so sorry for your loss and horrified that you had to go through being treated like that.
[Reply]
Melissa Reply:
January 24th, 2012 at 8:07 am (Quote)
Oh, Holly. I’m so sorry.
It would have been hard enough to deal with, even without needing the ER visit…but the way that ER doc treated you puts me beyond words.
Don’t have anything more to say…just sending a hug.
[Reply]
OMG. I thought this headline was about circ. I was horrified then, but to see it was about A BABY!! I am so sorry to hear that story Holly.
[Reply]
Add Your Comment.
So are you, and I am sure someone loves you, just like I love my BABY
[Reply]
Jane Reply:
January 23rd, 2012 at 5:30 am Jane(Quote)
Thank you for posting exactly what I was going to post.
I understand the nurse needs to minimize the loss in order to shield herself/himself against feeling inadequate. It’s got to be a helpless feeling to have this huge medical education at your back and be completely unable to stop a miscarriage. But for heaven’s sake, they need to save their rationalizations for themselves and other nurses and not pass it along to the grieving parents.
OP: I’m sorry for your loss.
[Reply]