Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jan
9
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“You Know This Means You Can’t Have Kids, Right?”
“You know this means you can’t have kids, right?” – Nurse to a patient being prepped for scheduled tubal ligation surgery before heading into the OR.
There are 47 comments to this post.
You know, she’s saying that for a reason. It makes me wonder if the hospital got sued for sterilizing someone who later said (rightly or wrongly — I’m not assuming either way) that they hadn’t been informed what the procedure was for.
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emily g had this to say,
Jan 9, 2012 @ 6:24 am (Quote)
My first thought? “No s*** Sherlock.”
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mharry Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:21 pm (Quote)
Mine as well. Noooooooo, really? There’s a pretty good chance that the POINT doc.
Not so say that hidden tubals haven’t happened before, but they were usually in the middle of a c-section. It’s a lot harder to hide a tubal from a woman who came in with nothing wrong and no one coming out of her.
As a childfree woman, I can tell you that getting anyone to even humor you about sterilization is a real pain. I’ve been lectured, patronized, guilted and ignored. I’m betting this nurse thought she’d stick her nosey nose in this woman’s business to have a final parting shot, like the patient was having a tubal to spite her. I would say exactly this just to spit in her eye.
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road2vba2c had this to say,
Jan 9, 2012 @ 6:25 am (Quote)
I guess tone is what matters in this comment. When I was sterilized, I signed 4 papers that said, “Yes, I know this is a permanent option.” Three people also made sure I was sure of what I was doing. I really didn’t mind.
I read a story recently about African American women being awarded a settlement from being sterilized without consent back in the 60s in a certain county in NC or VA. It was horrible. One woman was forced into a c-section at 17, sterilized without her consent or knowledge, then later on when she was married and wanting more kids was told of her sterilization surgery. She was devastated.
If it was said with a sarcastic tone, or if said immediately after saying in more technical terms the same thing “this is a sterilization surgery, permanently making it unable for you to bear children”, then she needs to remember that not all patients are 12 year olds…
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I sort of have mixed feelings on this one. Yes….if it is here, it must have been snarky sounding. However, I had a tubal ligation at 23 which I was very aware was permanent and the best choice at the time. At 28 I was remarried and had surgery to reverse it. Although my surgery was successful and I went on to have 2 more children, many women did not have such luck. Some people assume that because something can be reversed that it will automatically be successful and that is not the case.
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Considering all of the hoops women have to go through to get a tubal ligation, especially when they’re in their 20s and have no kids, there is no possible way anyone could possibly have gotten all the way to surgery without knowing EXACTLY what they were there for.
When I got the the appointment, I talked to my Dr, signed some more papers, etc. Then this random nurse came over. She wasn’t even one of the nurses working with me, she just heard what I was there for and wanted to get in my business.
I would have come back with something snarky like, “What? I thought a tubal ligation was breast augmentation,” but the sedation was already started.
Tone had nothing to do with it, and I wasn’t offended. It was just a hilariously stupid question. I couldn’t have gotten to surgery for a tubal ligation without knowing what a tubal ligation does. My boyfriend and I still laugh about her.
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road2vba2c Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 9:31 am (Quote)
You know, after I posted my first comment, I thought, “Maybe this was a busybody.” Was it possible that she was trying to push some sort of anti-birth control agenda?
I see nothing wrong with people deciding that *they’re* not ok with certain forms of birth control. I myself am not comfortable with hormone BC. I will even share what I know about certain forms of BC with anyone who asks. However, I’m not going to go up to a woman in the doctor’s office and say, “You know what such and such does, right?” It’s rude, it can be offensive, and it’s not like broadsiding someone with this info is going to change their opinions half the time…
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julie Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 9:48 am (Quote)
I can’t recall if she had anything else to say. I actually don’t even remember answering her question. I may very well have just laughed in response. My sedation was already started and I was fading out faster than expected. I wouldn’t have even believed someone really felt it necessary to ask that had my boyfriend not been there and heard her.
If she was trying to talk me out of it, she was a little late. She definitely didn’t seem to approve, not that I care what a stranger thinks. My own mother wasn’t terribly happy about it (although she accepted what I was doing and was supportive) and that didn’t stop me.
I just thought her question was ridiculous. It’s not like she was telling me about some nasty side effect, infertility was the purpose of the procedure.
It took me two years and four doctors to get that tubal, and more OB/GYN appointments than I can count. I had to face judgement of Dr.s who disapproved for their own personal reasons, and I had to bargain with one doctor agreeing to have a painful IUD for 6 months. There was simply no way that I could schedule a tubal appointment without knowing full well what it was.
So I laugh at the nurse’s question. “Really? Are you seriously asking me that?”
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Lisa in Texas Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 11:49 am (Quote)
I wonder, why is it so difficult to get a tubal? I seem to remember being asked when I had my gallbladder removed if I wanted a tubal at the same time. And I think the OB would have been willing to do a tubal when I had my c-section if I had made those plans ahead of time.
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Jessica Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 12:14 pm (Quote)
If the woman doesn’t have kids it’s a major struggle to get it done. There’s that presumption that women have an obligation to have children, or that they *all* want kids, so they’ll do their best to discourage permanent birth control in order to give the woman a chance to fulfill that obligation *when* she feels ready.
I have a friend who had to fight for years for a hysterectomy after battling horrible periods and pain in her uterus once puberty hit (she was past 30 by this point) and her OB refused it for a long time, declaring she would someday want kids. She did manage to have her surgery and doesn’t regret it.
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Details Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 12:27 pm (Quote)
Because Julie didn’t already have 2 children. If you have 3 children you get the tubal sales pitch. If you have no children you are told that you don’t know your own mind. Women are treated like little children who will either forget to take theirs pills and over populate the world or not only change their mind in two minutes or two years, but also come whining and try to sue. Call it the 2 child rule. Everybody needs exactly two children and don’t try to go outside that limit.
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WellBegun Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 10:34 pm (Quote)
Even dumber – a (late 20′s) friend of mine tried to get one after having three children (and multiple miscarriages, every last one of them conceived on some type of BC – I swear all she had to do was wash her and her husband’s underwear together), and was refused. The reason?
… ALL HER KIDS WERE BOYS. No joke. Guess they thought she might regret not having a girl running around someday. Even though she practically raises her two nieces.
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jaed Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 10:24 am (Quote)
The well-known “But you have to want one of each!”
And its corollary, “Now you have one of each, so you don’t need any more! Now are you going to get your tubes tied, or is your husband going to get a vasectomy? What do you mean, ‘neither’? You already have one of each!”
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julie Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 12:55 pm (Quote)
Because some people cling to the thing that I call the Life Script so desperately that they can’t imagine that there can exist anyone who doesn’t.
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Abby Reply:
January 13th, 2012 at 6:35 am (Quote)
It is especially hard in our society to obtain finite control of your reproductive health and sexuality… *Especially* if you are unmarried, have no children, or are “too young”.
By 22 I had 3 children, the eldest was 6. I was in an extremely controlling, violent marriage and had to jump through more hoops than a circus cat to find a surgeon who would perform the procedure.
The line of crap I got from them, ranged from “You’re too young to know what you really want. What if you decide you want more children?” (that appointment went well, it ended with me snarkily saying “I’ll get a puppy. They don’t require being raped by my husband, destroying my body, or a lifelong commitment.”) to… “We can not perform the procedure without your husband’s expressed consent. What if *he* wants more children?” to “You must be 25 and have 3 children before we will sterilize you.”
Even *after* explaining that two of my three children were the product of marital rape (which, by the way, does not exist in the state in which we resided- I literally had *no* legal recourse), I was still met with snarky, unnecessary, condescending attitudes from almost all of the staff.
After exhausting literally every surgeon but *one* in the upstate region, I finally found one who was young and who’s wife had just given birth herself… He was sympathetic, and a bit put off by me- When he walked in, I was nursing my little one, and simply stated “How soon can we schedule this procedure? I would like to prevent this from occurring against my will again.” He immediately began asking millions of questions, gathering information regarding my (now)EX, but never filed a report… In most states, doctors will and do report suspected abuse or rape. But, I live in the bible belt.
All that to say, unless you’re dirt poor and on PA, or you’re an upper middle class soccer mom who waited until her later 30′s to begin a family, you have to go through hell and back to gain control of your reproductive rights.
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Maybeth Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 4:37 pm (Quote)
My husband was told, during a very stressful pregnancy, that if I got pregnant again it could kill me and the baby. The doctor’s way of talking my husband, not me, into a tubal. While we wanted more kids the doctor talked my husband into me having the surgery. I think it is crazy that the doctor is allowed to talk someone into a surgery, but when you ask for it they try and talk you out of it.
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WellBegun Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 10:28 pm (Quote)
That is odd… I was kinda wondering if it was the flipside of the coin of people coming up to moms of more than 2 (like me) and saying, “You know how that happens, right?” 
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KDB Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 7:31 am (Quote)
When I went in for my first prenatal appointment with my fourth pregnancy the OB asked me if I wanted my tubes tied following the delivery. I said no.
He asked why not.
My response was that my goal for the birth was an unmedicated, vaginal delivery because it was the best option for a fast recovery. Why go through all that just to have surgery right afterward? Not to mention that my husband and I didn’t know if our family was complete yet.
So then he was like, “So then you’ll probably want one if you have a girl?” (because I had three boys..it was *all* about getting a girl, right? *blah*)
I said, “No, because that has nothing to do with if our family is complete or not. That’s a decision we’ll make in our own time.”
His response was to send a pamphlet about vasectomies home to my husband in case, “He wanted a say so in this.”
Argh.
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
January 13th, 2012 at 5:50 am (Quote)
That is so utterly disgusting. “WHy not?” I think I would have friggin’ smacked him.
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Michelle Potter Reply:
January 11th, 2012 at 6:40 am (Quote)
Somebody asked my husband that the other night. His response: “Yes, and I’m very good at it.”
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Kristy Reply:
January 11th, 2012 at 7:16 am (Quote)
That’s what I told the WIC receptionist when she asked! I swear they think we have kids for free cheese. WIC is the only ‘assistance’ we get and believe me lady your packages are not *that* lucrative!
I like that response and the blank stare followed by “No! Would you explain it to me? I heard it was in the water, but I switched to cokes and it *still* keeps happening!” Wish I’d used that one… could have been fun to see her reaction.
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Michelle Potter Reply:
January 11th, 2012 at 7:18 am (Quote)
My husband is not the least bit shy or slow about answering these questions. Once when someone asked him the “don’t you know” one, he started describing it to them. In detail. In church.
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
January 13th, 2012 at 5:51 am (Quote)
“I swear they think we have kids for free cheese.” LMAO!
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During nursing school I watched a tubal ligation performed (only one I’ve seen so far). This was not an emergency – the woman, her husband and her doctor had planned it months in advance and she had long since signed everything there was to sign. She was completely confident in her decision, and her partner and doctor both respected her wishes. Still, with the client’s belly open and just before committing The Actual Cut that you can’t take back, the doctor stopped and asked her one more time “is this still what you want?”
Of course, she did, and he obliged. But to me it was a respectful way of handling it. He had told her in advance that he would ask her that question then and he was in no way pushing an agenda – he just made it a practice to always let his clients know that they could still change their minds if they weren’t absolutely sure, even if they were already in the middle of the procedure.
The nurse in this submission was WAY out of line! I am so sorry, OP, that you had to experience her rude and unprofessional behavior.
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julie Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:40 pm (Quote)
Um, why was she awake?
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WellBegun Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 10:29 pm (Quote)
I reckon if you can do a cesarean under a spinal, you could also do a tubal that way? That’s just a theory, I’m not a surgeon.
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Aron Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 5:14 am (Quote)
This, exactly. It can be done either way. In this particular case the client had planned on her current pregnancy being her last and had already set up to have the tubal done when she was far enough along postpartum, but her labor ended in a (necessary) c-section and she opted to complete the tubal then rather than wait. She was completely sure this was the decision that was right for her.
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
January 13th, 2012 at 5:52 am (Quote)
That sounds like it was very well handled. Some women are badgered endlessly about it, and even asked for their consent while they’re recovering from a cesarean – seriously!?
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I had this repeated to me over and over and over again. I had my tubal the day after my third child was born. At the time, I thought it was ridiculous.
Two months out, and I regret it every.single.day. I wonder if they weren’t just trying to spare me feeling like this.
By all means, some women have tubals and are completely happy with that decision. I’m not one of them. I’m not even sure I want more kids. But, I’d like to have that option back. I feel…broken. Incomplete.
And then I feel stupid for feeling like that. I’m sorry that this nurse tried to busybody herself into OP’s business, though.
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Lisa in Texas Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 5:48 am (Quote)
Tiffany, I’m so sorry that you are feeling that way. I think I would feel the same. Maybe you should look into finding a therapist to talk to about this. Or you can look into having it reversed.
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amanda Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 7:14 am (Quote)
tiffany, i feel the same way. i had a tubal after my schedules repeat section with my 4th baby (2nd living child). it was the right decision on one level as we really won’t be having more kids. but the thought of never being able to, even if i wanted to, breaks my heart. my husband and i never had a ‘normal’ pregnancy – always high risk and scary from the get go. it’s been very hard for me to let go of that dreamy, ideal pregnancy (that wasn’t likely to happen anyway).
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Eh. This one I’m willing to give a pass on, given that it is a procedure with permanent effect and since apparently the nurse was willing to accept the answer.
If she’d used alarming or judgemental language, or tried to dissuade Julie at the last minute, etc. I’d feel very different, but stating the result of the surgery in direct language (and without including any unprofessional side comments) seems within bounds to me. It was redundant, given all the consents that had already been provided, but not so bad as such.
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jaed Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:03 pm (Quote)
(I should also say there are other parts of Julie’s story that strike me as pretty horrific, just not this comment. I can see a surgeon wanting to delay a few weeks in order to confirm that the patient’s intention is definite and certain, but two years of waiting? Requirements that you use a method of birth control that you a) don’t want and b) is painful for half a year? Say what? Etc.)
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mharry Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:30 pm (Quote)
Par the course. Frankly, I avoid GYNs like the plague, because the children question comes up, and I’m obligated to answer, and then I get the funny looks, or rolled eyes, or again, lectures. Worst thing a GYN ever said to me? “What’s the point of being a woman if you don’t have kids?” While in the middle of a pelvic exam. In fact, the negativity of these doctors have lead me to some minor freak-outs during every exam since.
In the end, it wasn’t worth it; I would like to continue the fight, but for my own sanity my fiance is the one going under the knife.
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julie Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:53 pm (Quote)
I was in the Army at the time. In order to even get an appointment with the OB/GYN, I had to first get a referral from the PA who was assigned to my battalion. The first one straight up refused to even consider referring me. I had to wait for her to be replaced. I had to convince her replacement to refer me for sterilization which wouldn’t have been nearly so awkward were she not heavily pregnant at the time.
The fist OB/GYN who I saw was not letting me have my way. He blamed the rest of his colleagues though. He said he once gave a tubal to a woman in her late 20s and got a lot of flack about it from some Catholic doctors he worked with and it had a negative impact on his career. I got some judgmental comments from the doctor and from the nurses, but it wasn’t too bad.
The OB/GYN made a deal with me that if I tried an IUD for 6 months and didn’t like it, he’d reconsider sterilization. I think the expectation was that I would figure “if it aint broke, don’t fix it” since the IUDs work so long, and I’d just forget the whole thing.
I agreed to the IUD, and asked for Paraguard because it was non-hormonal. He refused and gave me Mirena instead. I couldn’t win that fight. I was in hell for 6 months. It hurt terribly.
When 6 months were up, I tried to schedule an appointment with him only to discover that he was leaving the hospital (I believe he was retiring.) So I went to his office and reminded him of our deal. He insisted that he hadn’t been thinking of his immanent departure when he made the deal (which I’m not sure if I believe.) I refused to leave his office without a referral to another doctor. Half an hour later, I had it.
From there, it took about 2 more months to get the procedure, but I finally got it.
You know what the sad part is? Compared to what other women go through, I had it easy.
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C.Pratt Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 9:49 pm (Quote)
Yep, sad as it is to say it, you had a couple strokes of luck, and your persistence paid off. It shouldn’t be that hard, not if a nose job is a mere matter of “meh, I want a new one”.
I considered sterilization when I was in my early 20′s and was told those aren’t done. But I guess I’m glad it wasn’t easy, because 2 years later I changed my mind and am very blessed with 2 amazing little ones who bring me all the joy (and stress and irritation lol) I could ever hope for.
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Teri had this to say,
Jan 10, 2012 @ 8:32 am (Quote)
Why do people find it so difficult to believe a women doesn’t want any more children? I have 1 child. I was told I couldn’t have kids when I was 17 and had excepted that. I didn’t want kids so it wasn’t to big a deal. Amazingly when I was 22 I got pregnant. I love my little boy and wouldn’t trade him for anything but I don’t want anymore. I had a horrible pregnancy which I hated every second of and was treated so badly because I’m a plus size muma. I do not want anymore but every time I say that to anybody I get told “you say that now” or “youll change your mind in a year or so”. I feel like I get the same reaction a 4 year old would get when they say they want to be a fire truck when they grow up.
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Add Your Comment.
Oh, yay! This nurse believes in informed consent.
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