Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jan
8
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“I’ll See If The Nurse Doing Your Exam Is Comfortable Letting You Have Someone In The Room With You.”
“I’ll see if the nurse doing your exam is comfortable letting you have someone in the room with you.” – Nurse to abuse survivor who asked to have another person in the room during a vaginal exam.
There are 44 comments to this post.
Nicci P had this to say,
Jan 8, 2012 @ 10:46 am (Quote)
Yes, because its all about the nurse’s comfort. There have been a few posts this week where healthcare providers have completely dismissed the needs of trauma and abuse survivors. Triggers, flashbacks, panic attacks…do these professionals not believe in these things or do they just not care? 
Op, I hope you got the care and support you needed and deserved and that the nurse doing your exam had more of a clue than the one who said this to you.
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At every vaginal exam I’ve ever had, I’ve been made aware that another person can be in the room if I requested it. I took them up on it on my first exam as a teenager.
What does the nurse’s comfort matter? The woman’s comfort is paramount.
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I’m seeing where we’ve got it all wrong. The hospital system was designed for the doctors’ and nurses’ comfort, not the care and well-being of the individuals using the hospital.
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jaed Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:49 pm (Quote)
Exactly!
How often do we hear, from doctors, phrases such as “I‘d prefer to…” or “I like to see…” or “I‘m happiest when…”? How often do nurses say to birthing women what we heard a month or two ago, “Don’t you want to turn over [and make pushing physically harder, and increase your risk of tearing] to make it easier for the doctor???”
Our role in all this is clearly to fulfill the emotional and psychological needs of the medical staff, and so it’s no wonder they’re angry and oppositional when we fail to meet their needs!
As I write this, I’m not even certain I’m joking. It would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?
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You’re going to ASK the nurse if they are OK with the patient exercising their LEGAL RIGHT to have another party in the room with them?
Wow. That’s some messed up priorities.
And I thought it was stupid when the nurse during my 6th pregnancy told me I “had to” have a cervical check, and she would “ask if it was OK” that I declined it. Like I give a rat’s patootie if the office staff feels good about my decision to keep my pants on.
OP I am so sorry that your concerns were treated as unimportant.
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Maybe it’s just AZ in which most OB’s or NP’s are required to have another person in the room, to make sure there is no abuse going on during the exam. At least in all the practice’s I’ve gone to they are required.
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Kate, Ren's Mama Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 7:48 pm (Quote)
I don’t know if it’s a federal law, or just one that most states have, but it’s definitely not just AZ. I’ve lived in multiple states across the Midwest (IL, IA, KY and MN) and every time I’ve ever gone in to see a GYN for a yearly pelvic exam it’s always made crystal clear that I am allowed to have someone in the room with me. They always ask if I want someone.
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I am a nurse. Not a L and D nurse but I often to have to do procedures that could put the patient in compromising positions. I always offer them to have someone else in the room if it would make them feel more comfortable. It can make me a touch nervous to have others stare at what I am doing, but I realize this is more about what makes my patients feel comfortable. Any health care provider should feel it is about the patient, not themselves, otherwise they may be in the wrong profession.
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This was mine. I told the nurse I was a survivor of sexual assault and I wanted someone in the room with me. She ROLLED HER EYES at me and said this to me. She asked the nurse if I could have someone with me, and the nurse said no. It was the only clinic I could get tested for free (I didn’t want my mother to know I was getting tested through our insurance statements) at in my town. I didn’t know of any place else to go, and I really needed to get tested and be responsible. So I just went ahead with the exam. I started having a panic attack during the exam and the nurse didn’t stop or even ask if I was okay…
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first time mommy Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:10 pm (Quote)
I am so sorry this happened to you! Inexcusable. I’m so sorry again
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abba12 Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:48 pm (Quote)
That is awful! I’m so sorry, I couldn’t have done it, I’d have walked out and come back later or something. That is SO messed up, and I was under the impression you had a legal right to have someone present… Not certain, but I think that’s the case.
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Sheva Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 1:56 pm (Quote)
I’m so sorry… That’s horrific. And I’m pretty sure a caregiver is required to have someone in the room when doing an exam like that. At least it’s the law in NJ.
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Tee Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 2:10 pm (Quote)
The law varies from state to state but even that law doesn’t always stop assault. There was a nurse in the room when I was violated.
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Jane Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 6:23 pm (Quote)
I’m so sorry you were treated that disrespectfully. **hugs**
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Heather Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 2:25 pm (Quote)
Same thing happened to me, so I actually refused the vaginal STD testing that I needed and only got the blood testing. Thankfully, I found a clinic later that took my insurance and accepted that someone would come in with me for the exam–that it was non-negotiable.
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This has happened to me as well, Rose. It was a very unexpected exam and I asked to have my mother in the room with me. They told me know and then proceeded to rape me.
I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear this has happened to you.
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first time mommy had this to say,
Jan 8, 2012 @ 1:11 pm (Quote)
I’m so so sorry this happened It’s not about the nurse’s comfort. It’s about the patient’s. This is horrible.
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karen had this to say,
Jan 8, 2012 @ 4:43 pm (Quote)
At tee. Me too except it was a sonographer not a nurse who witnessed the assault and did nothing.
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Tee Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 5:20 pm (Quote)
Thank you for sharing that, Karen. I’ve often wondered how frequently people are assaulted with a witness present. It’s nice not to feel so alone in that. I’m sorry it happened to you.
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Karen Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 7:59 am (Quote)
My bad, she did do something. After the gyn left the room she removed the transducer from my vagina that he had left hanging out of me, touched my knee and said “I’m sorry, he shouldn’t have done that.”
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jaed Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 8:45 am (Quote)
I’m torn between thinking that at least she acknowledged to you that it was wrong – and for some victims, having someone acknowledge the abuse is very important to their recovery – and wanting to scream, “Then why didn’t you STOP it? Why aren’t you reporting it RIGHT NOW?”
Sigh. I’m so sorry that happened to you, Karen.
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karen Reply:
January 9th, 2012 at 9:00 am (Quote)
I am glad that she at least acknowledged what he did wasn’t OK or normal. If she had ignored my tears or told me to suck it up it would have been that much worse. I was only 17 though, she was a mature woman, why couldn’t she have said something, anything? I think she was probably scared for her job. This gyn was an ‘institution’ in the area, big boss good old boy, if she crossed him she could have lost her job and been black balled.
One thing that came out of it is I have a much greater appreciation for the excellent caregivers out there, including men, and am grateful for them. Care from the good guys can be healing, at least it has been for me.
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Cynthia Gabriel had this to say,
Jan 9, 2012 @ 7:50 pm (Quote)
Sadly, many well-meaning professionals know NOTHING about trauma survivors. There is an amazing book out there called “Survivor Moms” by Mickey Sperlich and Julia Seng that I think should be required reading for anyone who works with pregnant women. What I was amazed by in their book was how often survivors felt empowered by birth — but, of course, how women are treated during labor significantly impacts whether they feel re-victimized or triumphant.
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this does not make sense to me, any time ive had to have a vaginal exam during pregnancy (very rare as its not routine here in aus) they wait till theres a nurse who can come in, it is absolutely a liability risk! they also have to ask every time before they touch you, i had to go out to A and E the other night and they wanted to listen to bub so i had to get up on the table, even though we all knew thats what we were there for the midwife still had to say “is it ok if i have a feel of your tummy” im am so glad i live wehre i do. it is not ok for anyone to touch you without someone else in the room!
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When I went through sex-ed in high school we were told to make sure that there was another (female) person present during breast and vaginal exams, and if there wasn’t, to ask for one. And if the examiner refused, then we were to refuse the exam.
OP, I’m so sorry for what you went through. There’s no excuse for what that nurse did to you.
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It’s ridiculous that the nurse would even object to this! Most practitioners would want to cover their asses against potential accusations of abuse during exams…!! HELLOOO!! This is exactly the thing that would be to the practitioner’s BENEFIT!!
This woman was clearly an idiot, and was oblivious to the potential for possible malpractice accusations! LOL!
…in fact, in 2 of 3 states that I have had pelvic exams, BY LAW there HAS TO BE a third party in the room for all gynecological exams!! So, a nurse should have no problem being “uncomfortable” with another person being there!! She should actually *welcome* it (for her OWN benefit!)
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Hm had to read this one several times…nope, still doesn’t make sense. *scratches head* Sorry mama this woman was such a biotch to you.
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Knitted in the Womb Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 8:04 pm Knitted in the Womb(Quote)
This post is the perfect time to point out that this is a very awesome book available called “When Survivors Give Birth.” It should be required reading for any person who does any sort of GYN or OB work, and it is also great reading for an abuse survivor who is concerned about the abuse impacting on her birth experience. Although I have to admit…a lot of times as I read it and it talked about the consideration that should be given to an abuse survivor by care providers, I kept wondering “shouldn’t ALL women be treated like this?” Yes, some stuff was very specific stuff for abuse suvivors…but alot of it could have been in a book called “How to Prevent Being Quoted on ‘My OB Said WHAT?!?!?’–except on Thoughtful Thursday.”
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