Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jan
7
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“I’m Just Helping You Stretch.”
“I’m just helping you stretch.” – Midwife to mother who had asked her to stop touching her genitals.
There are 43 comments to this post.
Let’s take this thinking and apply it to another field to see if it still works, shall we?
Customer to Waiter: “Stop eating my food!”
Waiter: “I was just trying to help you chew!”
Yeah, still don’t like this.
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Jane Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 3:15 pm (Quote)
Patron: Please stop checking books out on my card.
Librarian: I’m just giving you books I’m pretty sure will be good for you to read.
You’re right — it just doesn’t work.
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Had a nurse pulling the area between my vagina and my anus down…and she’d run up and down each side. Very painful and uncomfortable! I felt very violated really, and kind of froze rather than fight. She would keep her fingers in me between contractions. Then, she decided later to stretch my cervix which was even worse. What the heck? I was very traumatized and after that complained to the post partum nurse and she encouraged me to write a letter to the hospital. She even said, “you can choose not to consent to anything.” I knew this in my head, but when it was happening, I was in shock. This and my baby kept having decels when I was on my back. I believe my baby was in danger during this birth, and only because the OB said to “get her up and let her move” did I end up with a vaginal birth. But it may not have been as bad as I think. This was my 6th birth. Why on earth did I need to be stretched? Now, after 7 babies, I have a rectocile and also have problems sexually. My husband slips out a lot and I’m actually afraid I will hurt him. I believe this nurse damaged me. Don’t touch my body unless I consent!
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Ashley Bean Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:36 pm (Quote)
A nurse did that to me with my first son (only hospital birth I’ll ever have). I screamed in pain and asked her what she was doing. She said she was doing perineum massage to keep me from tearing. I told her it hurt too bad and to stop. She didn’t, so I reached up, during a contraction no less, and pulled her hand out of my vagina and shoved it towards her chest. I made her hit herself pretty hard. lol. The doc came in when my son was crowning and the snarky lil nurse said to him ” don’t do any massage on her because she smacked me when I did it”. I was too in the zone to say anything to her, but my mom handled that for me 
My husband slips out alot too and we’ve only had 2 babies. The way I tore and healed after my first son’s birth was what did it for me. I just had a second son 3 weeks ago who was half a lb bigger, with a larger head, posterior, and in the caul and imagine that….I didn’t tear and no one was massaging my vagina and we didn’t do any massages/stretching during the last trimester, like I was instructed to do with my first. I do think that makes a difference, but not in the way that OBs tell you. Seems to me that you tear more with doing the stretching, but that’s just my experience
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Kate, Ren's Mama Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 7:24 pm (Quote)
Yeah, I’ve heard anecdotally that stretching may do more harm than good. The thing I read said to imagine it like tenderizing meat: do it too much and the meat will just fall apart. Ick. I’ve heard that squats are much better for strengthening the pelvic floor and preventing tearing.
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This one is hard for me to read. I had something similar happen at the birth of my third child; someone, I don’t even know who he was, had about an inch of two of his fingers sitting just inside my vagina while I was getting ready to push. Just sitting there. not moving, not stretching, nothing. He never even told me he was going to put them there, he just did it.. It drove me INSANE and I wanted to scream at him to get them out, but I couldn’t talk. I was so trapped in my own head because of the pain and because of the fear of telling a dr. what to do. That fear makes me sick, because it’s totally irrational but sometimes I can’t shake it.
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JessicaKC Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:19 pm (Quote)
I had something very very similar happen. This OB, not mine but a horrible on call after the nurses refused to call mine, and he came into my room cursing and just slammed his hands into me. It was awful and it was like I could not communicate and when I did I was just ignored… that was the worst part….
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The on-call doc did the same thing with my sister. She did tell him to stop, that it hurt worse than the contractions, so he just numbed her up with some Lidocaine and kept on. She ended up with a 3rd-degree tear, and I’m positive he had a lot to do with it.
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My HB midwife was helping me stretch throughout labor and it was very helpful. I didn’t tear at all with a 9 lb 12 oz baby. I don’t see helping a mother stretch as something negative.
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Hilary Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:27 pm (Quote)
I’m glad it was helpful to you. However, the OP expressed her desire for the midwife to stop. If a patient does not consent, you don’t do it.
I had a nurse try to stretch me during my son’s delivery. It was extremely uncomfortable. I asked her to stop, and she did. I had a second degree tear. While I have no idea whether or not I would have torn if she had continued, I’m fairly certain that if she had ignored my wishes, I would have felt violated. I feel I made the right decision in the moment.
OP, I’m sorry that happened to you.
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GAMZu Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:31 pm (Quote)
The entry doesn’t state if the midwife continued stretching. Mother asked to stop touching, midwife said she was stretching. What happened next? If the mother said stop anyway and the midwife did, that’s fine. The quote itself isn’t something shocking or wrong.
The midwife was right to explain to the mother that she was doing something for her benefit so that the mother could choose to refuse or not after she knows all the information.
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jaed Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:48 pm (Quote)
The mother ordered the midwife to stop the unwanted touching. If “what happened next” is anything but the midwife stopping immediately (and *then* explaining herself), what she was doing was sexual assault. Period. Whatever her reasons may have been. You do not do that to another human being. You do not make verbal excuses while continuing to do it. You do not start up the bully tactics and the “this is for your own good” statements while continuing the behavior. That is crossing a red line.
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Knitted in the Womb Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:46 pm (Quote)
I agree completely with you…but unfortunately the laws in my state (and probably many others) are specifically written to exclude medical providers who are acting in a “good faith intent to perform medical care” (or some such gobbeldy gook…).
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Kristy Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 4:51 pm (Quote)
Nope… the verb tense is all wrong for a respectful explanation. If mom says *stop*… she stops and then explains. But in that case it would be “I *was* just helping you stretch.” This midwife continued to make mom feel violated while she explained. Not good. No means no… you shouldn’t have to say it twice.
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genniemom Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 5:33 pm (Quote)
This midwife should have asked permission first, not after. Even if it does help some people, that doesn’t mean that she has the right to do it to anyone without consent. I happen to be the kind of person who wants no hands in or on my genitals during birth unless necessary. My latest son presented with a nuchal hand. My midwife calmly asked me if I would like her to help ease the hand out so that I would be less likely to tear. I agreed, she eased the hand out, and then she backed off. I caught my own baby as planned. That was the only time my genitals were touched by anyone other than me or my husband. I was so thankful that she was respectful of my wishes. (Which is not to say that I think she went above and beyone by respecting them. Everyone deserves such respect.)
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Laura Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:25 pm (Quote)
This. The OB who delivered my second asked if it was okay if she helped support and stretch my perineum, and I agreed; it didn’t hurt at all for me and I was fine with it, but had she simply done it without asking I would have been really freaked out. It’s simple courtesy to ask first, and it really doesn’t take long.
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Kathy Reply:
January 8th, 2012 at 11:18 am (Quote)
“The midwife was right to explain to the mother that she was doing something for her benefit so that the mother could choose to refuse or not after she knows all the information.”
The midwife was 100% wrong. She should have explained what she wanted to do and obtained consent *before* touching the mother.
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Lisa Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 5:12 pm (Quote)
My HB midwife stretched me as well. I had just a little lip so she stretched me during each contraction. It wasn’t painful for me and it still took an hour for that lip to get out of the way (and another hour and 15 minutes for the baby to come out). But I didn’t have any tearing either. I understand the OP didn’t want this, but it didn’t seem that big of a deal when it was done to me.
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Kristy Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 5:22 pm (Quote)
I’m sure loads of women have things done in their births that they found helpful but *you* would not want done to you without your permission. If your midwife had decided to do these things to you any way… perhaps you would understand that refusing to listen to a woman refusing consent is *always* a big deal.
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Knitted in the Womb Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:59 pm (Quote)
I’m a doula. I’ve seen bigger babies deliver without tearing and without stretching…and the worst tears I’ve seen have been when the OB was stretching.
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road2vba2c had this to say,
Jan 7, 2012 @ 5:58 pm (Quote)
My OB stretched the little lip of my cervix left when I was ready to push… With my informed consent. Apples and oranges compared to this. My sympathies, OP!
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This was mine too, and I think the last one they’ll be publishing.
My mind was very foggy for much of my birth after I developed severe pain and a fever, but during pushing for some reason my mind cleared. Maybe it was less pain, I don’t know.
This midwife let a total zoo go on in my hospital room during pushing. It was shift change, and for whatever reason she allowed the nurses to “switch out” being the other leg holder whilst I pushed. And, the baby crew was also changing out and it was very loud in my room. So, I had like 6 different nurses come in and out to hold my leg and all these people talking. I didn’t know who any of them were, and they were having laughing conversations over me pushing whilst I was trying to give birth. I remember feeling very disrespected and a bit angry, but I was a bit busy.
Her pulling on my crotch with oil was not helpful for me, and I kept telling her to stop doing whatever it was she was doing to my vagina and she said that she was just helping me stretch as she kept going, but when I sent my partner down to see what she was doing and stop it.. she kept “rubbing” and I could distinctly feel her pulling again when he came back up to my head, and really I wanted her to just stop touching me period and I told her that but then the head emerged followed by body and it was moot..
This midwife also wouldn’t stop touching the cord (she was applying traction and I could feel it) after the birth, and another nurse actually basically yelled at me for telling the midwife to stop touching the cord.
No one would tell me what they’d done with my son, and finally when I could hold him for a second prior to him going to the NICU for a septic workup (and he would develop issues breathing too in a minute), my arms wouldn’t work any more.. I don’t know why but I was shaking and my arms were like floppy noodles and I couldn’t embrace him.. and instead of helping me they handed him to my partner for a few seconds. I wanted so badly to cradle him and nurse him or at least touch him or smell him in those moments, but he was a few feet away and I did give in to just breathing and resting a little.
Then, when she stitched me up she forgot I wasn’t numb and started without using lidocaine, and I of course screamed holy terror. She numbed me up, then, but didn’t really wait for it to work, so I was literally screaming whilst being sutured up, and then without warning “tested” my vagina to make sure she hadn’t sewn me shut. That hurt so bad I think I sounded like an animal screeching when she did that. She said in a laugh something akin to that she HAD to make sure it worked!
Lastly, she finally declared that I needed to empty my bladder or get a catheter and probably needed a catheter considering I might be numb still and so I’d have trouble walking .. Um.. I was not numb.
A young nurse tried to come give me a catheter but uh.. my vagina was swollen about 6x its normal size and she couldn’t even begin to get in a cath and was relieved when I couldn’t take the pain anymore and got up and hobbled to the potty.
They didn’t update me on my son’s condition for more than 2 hours. I was worried, but I gave up asking til tehy finally came and said he was completely stable and we could go see him.
I also had problems with the NICU and my son, in particular them telling me that magnesium is incompatible with nursing for 36 hours, but that’s another story for another day.
I wish that I could travel back in time and tap myself on the shoulder in early pregnancy and tell myself to run far far away from that midwife/OB practice and tell myself all the awful crap they would do.
Thank ya’all for listening to my various experiences, not judging, and for being empathetic…
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JessicaKC Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:27 pm (Quote)
Sorry if this double posts.
So much of that is just like what I went through, especially the first part. The zoo, shift change, the stretching, the traction, the mean mean nurses… If it wasn’t for the fact that you had a midwife (of which there are none in hospitals here) I would think we must have been in the same hospital… I am so sorry you went through that. I am hoping for a homebirth if we can ever get pregnant again, and have a lot of anger still (almost 10 months post partum). Memories sneak up on me and ruin my day. I hope you are doing better with that than I.
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E Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:59 pm (Quote)
Three years out I still have the occasional day ruined by my memories. It’s nothign like it was at 10 months, though.. then I was still not capable of crying.
It’s been a long, slow, recovery…. I am just starting to be my old self (plus mommyhood) 3 years later.
My relationship with my partner is in a bit of tatters, but we’re trying to piece it back together now that I’m finally coming back out from underneath whatever dense fog was over my heart and mind.
And.. I am an angrier person than I used to be.
I wish for you a much swifter recovery.
<3
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Laura Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:29 pm (Quote)
Oh. My.
I am SO sorry. That’s just horrific. 
I am so sorry they did that to you.
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Kate, Ren's Mama Reply:
January 7th, 2012 at 6:47 pm (Quote)
E,
I am just devastated by what happened to you. Reading these submissions of yours has just left me heart-sick. I wish I could crawl through the internet and hug you, or bring you brownies, or something. Of course, nothing can ever really compensate for what these animals did to you.
And in spite of it all, you seem (from your explanations) fairly at peace with your ordeal. You must be an extremely strong person.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us so candidly. I sincerely hope you have been able to move past what’s happened to you, and that if you’ve had more babies that the births were healing and empowering.
Much love to you!
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So much of that is just like what I went through, especially the first part. The zoo, shift change, the stretching, the traction, the mean mean nurses… If it wasn’t for the fact that you had a midwife (of which there are none in hospitals here) I would think we must have been in the same hospital… I am so sorry you went through that. I am hoping for a homebirth if we can ever get pregnant again, and have a lot of anger still (almost 10 months post partum). Memories sneak up on me and ruin my day. I hope you are doing better with that than I.
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This reminds me of my brother. He’d be doing something annoying, like mouthing cuss words at me, and I’d tell him to stop. To which he’d reply, “But I’m not saying anything!” or “I’m just moving my lips!” As if that meant he didn’t have to stop. Of course, he outgrew that around his 9th birthday.
“Stop” means “stop,” not “keep doing something I told you not to do (and which is not necessary) as long as you can explain/make an excuse for it.”
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My Dr. put a LOT of pressure downward on my perineum trying to “give me some room” while I was pushing. I ended up tearing upward toward my urethra. They were just 1st degree tears, but man that stung! My perineum was perfectly intact.
I might have told her to stop if had been a normal labor, but I was delivering a 28-week baby who was 3lbs and we had to get him out fast. He had both hands up at his face, apparently. I was just grateful to be able to have a vaginal delivery instead of a c-section!
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I had somewhat a similar experience with my OB. I apparently have an extra flap in my vagina that she kept massaging and pressing down and it hurt terribly, especially since I was already in a ton of pain because of the pitocin they unnecessarily gave me. They also cathaderized me but did a terrible job and I could feel how wrong it was but nobody would listen to me because I “didn’t know what I was talking about.” When they finally took it out they were shocked at how awry it was. I felt the pain THROUGH my epidural, which wore off by the time it came to push anyway so when she was “massaging” and pushing down on that extra skin it hurt so much more. I kept telling her to “get your f**king fingers out of me NOW!” but she wouldn’t listen. I was only 19 and what did I know? Ugh.
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So sorry OP. I remember screaming at a midwife to stop pulling me open during pushing and she told me she wasn’t. It was only when my mum told her to stop that she listened. It HURTS… Why on earth does anyone do that to a labouring mama? Seriously, we can stretch on our own, probably with much less risk of tearing.
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