Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Dec
23
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“You’ve Never Had A Baby Before, Have You?”
“You’ve never had a baby before, have you?” – L&D Nurse to mother who said that she was planning for a non-medicated birth.
There are 32 comments to this post.
…Gee. you know, I have two children at the moment. And both were completely free of medication. Hell, the night my daughter was born, I managed to avoid even an IV or heplock due to the very active L&D.
That means that even when I had not had a child, I’d made the choice to forgo meds. And I pulled it off. I had a child with zero medication… and I cry over stubbing my toe.
So kiss my ass, Nurse Downfall. Way to try and set new moms up for failure.
My son, by the way, was born in my living room.
I feel like I ought to add “so there” to that statement…
I STILL hate hearing that! It’s all I heard – or something similar, while pregnant, and even now when the subject of birth comes up I hear variations of “Oh, you’re a fluke. Normal women can’t do that without meds. They’ll die. How stupid were you to suffer needlessly, how selfish to put the baby through that.” Really, does anyone consider how women birthed before modern medicine decided it was more intelligent than my body?? Ugh!
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“You salt your food before you taste it, don’t you?”
Why shouldn’t someone who had never had a baby before not *first* plan to see how they handle labor and *then* consider pain medication if they found it was needed?
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Details Reply:
December 26th, 2011 at 10:22 am (Quote)
Great come back, Kristy. I do wish nurses and doctors would take the attitude that “Let’s see how it goes. We have drugs here, if you need them all you have to do is ask. But hey, maybe things will go well and you won’t need them.” Taste your food before you grab the salt. Always a good policy!
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Kiki Reply:
January 1st, 2012 at 2:17 pm (Quote)
Both births…..two seperate hospitals and two separate doctors, both pushed meds immediately. First time, I had Pre-e. They started offering drugs as soon as they pushed the mag-sulfate and pitocin. When they broke my water and I was like “what the hell” The doctor told me “See, I’f you’d had an epidural, you would not have felt that.” I couldn’t not even suffer in peace because they kept asking if I wanted an epidural. I agreed to demorol…mistake. It made me so desperate to sleep that when they asked about the epidural again, I agreed. Second labor…..they could not tell me why the epidural failed miserably. Once again, pitocin makes labor more painful than it normally would be. That part they leave out. Next time, they can shove the meds where the sun don’t shine. And the pain of the epidural that did not even work.
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Jessica had this to say,
Dec 23, 2011 @ 7:52 pm (Quote)
I had Nubain with my first, only after several interventions that destroyed my concentration. Nothing for the others, and all by choice. People look at me like I’m completely insane, and I almost feel guilty for thinking the pain really wasn’t that bad. I studied Homebirthing for birth #2 and found supportive caregivers. It was all I needed. I’m terrified of getting an epidural and having no control over my body, so I have to use other methods that will work for me. Not using an epidural doesn’t mean I’m naïve, it just means I’ve chosen to approach my birth in another way.
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Chara Watson had this to say,
Dec 23, 2011 @ 8:03 pm (Quote)
It’s funny- with my first, I had decided to go completely med free. I even changed care providers at 7 months because I realized that she wasn’t going to be very cooperative with that choice. I mentioned my plans to a girl I knew and she seemed so personally offended by my choice. She had one son who was 6 or 8 at the time and she was just adamant that I would never make it through labor without any drugs at all.
I’ve had two, now without so much as a hep-lock. In the next few weeks I’ll have my third the same way.
I wonder what makes people so angry at another woman’s choice? I didn’t berate her for choosing to have an epidural. It didn’t make me angry that she wanted to do things differently, so why did it bother her so much that I did? I will always wonder that.
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Jenny Islander Reply:
December 23rd, 2011 at 9:49 pm (Quote)
Probably unresolved doubts about whether she did in fact receive the best of care.
Two situations I hate: When birth attendants don’t bother to tell you about the side effects of what they say you have to do because atleastyouhaveahealthybaby* and when mothers say “Oh, the doctor SAVED me!” and her birth story is a clear case of iatrogenic complications. With the first at least there’s somebody to yell at, but with the second–don’t tell the mom and leave her vulnerable if she becomes pregnant again, or do tell her and open a gigantic can of worms?
*Know where I first heard about spinal headache? From a mother, a year after the epidural. Not one single pregnancy handbook, not one doctor, nobody EVER said that a person who has a needle stuck into her spine may have to live with a nasty headache for a YEAR while coping with a baby and toddler. But, you know, ATYHAHB, so suck it up, Mom. No way. Not this little black duck.
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Rachel Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 2:07 pm (Quote)
with my first I ended up induced at 35 weeks and I decided I did not care how much it hurt I was not going to take any drugs that would make my baby sluggish or impared in any way… (too much risk of him not being developed enough as it was) when I was in transition I asked about the shot that they had told me about … (I was in pain 
) and a wonderful nurse told me that yes even the shot would affect the baby so even when my pain was the worst it was going to get I decided it was better for my baby to go without, and I had an honest nurse tell me that yes anything they could give me would have some affect on the baby…
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Vanessa had this to say,
Dec 23, 2011 @ 9:49 pm (Quote)
I was at my company holiday lunch last week, and I sat between two ladies who spent half the lunch telling me that I needed to “just get the epidural right away” and “don’t be a martyr.” I was able to keep my anger in but it was just terrible for me because I *don’t* buy into the whole culture of fear that surrounds birth, and they each have only one kid. That does not make you an expert on how my body will handle childbirth. 
If I do decide to get pain medication when I birth, it will be based on my own experience and what I have decided to do based on what I know and what my caregiver advises. Grrrr.
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I had my first (and second) at home. And no, I didn’t “beg for the epidural” like so many said I would.
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Jenny Islander Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 9:16 am (Quote)
All three at home. I think the thought crossed my mind for a moment, followed by “I would have to hold still during THIS???” and then I was too busy having a baby to think about it anymore.
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Count me in as another one that had an epi birth followed by a med free delivery. The epi experience was utterly horrible, it didn’t work properly, i experienced side effects, couldn’t move my legs for hours after and still had to be wheeled to the shower and washed.. while the medfree delivery DID hurt, it wasn’t unmanageable, and I was up right after and felt so awesome … there’s nothing like a birth high and I DIDN’T feel that with my first…
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Kit had this to say,
Dec 24, 2011 @ 5:28 am (Quote)
I DID have a med-free birth with my first, and plan to do it again within a few weeks!
My best friend is the exact opposite. With her first she had every medical intervention in the book, except for a c-section. She ended up with a 4th degree tear and lifelong pain and complications. She was told that she would never be able to birth vaginally again because of the damage. So her #2 and #3 were both born by c-section. #3 was born at 37 weeks due to complete placenta previa and had breathing difficulties and spent 6 days in the NICU. I went to visit her in the hospital the day he was born, I was 19 weeks into this pregnancy. She said, “I bet you’re going to do this one all natural too, aren’t you? I just don’t understand how you put yourself through that.” And I think the exact same thing about each of her births! I don’t understand how she puts herself through that!
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During my last pregnancy a woman told me I was “stupid and ignorant” for not wanting to even go to the hospital to deliver. (I wasn’t planning a homebirth, I just mentioned that I hated hospitals). She wasn’t referring to en emergency but to the epidural. According to her, I would regret not being able to get one when it got to be more than I could handle. We had words.
I want to track her down and tell her all about my completely pain-med, epidural free delivery of our daughter almost a week ago. Oh, and it was an induction because of worsening pre-e…so I was totally in a hospital surrounded by drugs.
Too much, huh?
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This was said to me 18 months ago today, and Kristy’s comment got it all right. Why would I go in assuming I wanted/needed medication? At this point I was about 3-4cm and the contractions were only like menstrual cramps. An hour later it was a different story. Yes, it was my first baby, and yes, I ended up getting the epidural and I don’t regret that I did. But couldn’t she have come up with something less rude to say? “Just let me know if you decide you want something.” Or even, “You may not know, but some think that contractions are worse with pitocin.” (It was an unscheduled induction.) It’s not as if I had just dropped a 200-page birth plan on her lap. I was open to medication but wanted to see if I could manage without it.
Fortunately, her shift was soon over, and I got an awesome nurse for the actual delivery. The bad nurse was working the day I delivered my second, too. She came into my room at some point, but I again got lucky with another awesome nurse for delivery.
Kudos to all you moms who do it without meds! I wish my own mom had been there to tell the nurse how she birthed nine babies without anything.
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Jane Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 8:14 am (Quote)
Yuck for getting the same bad nurse twice.
If I could randomly strike phrases out of English usage, one of them would be “it’s your first baby, isn’t it?” or “You’ve never had a baby before.” Inexperience doesn’t invalidate our preferences. Inexperience doesn’t make us less worthy of dignity, fair treatment, standard of care, or a doctor/nurse paying attention to us. They use that phrase to shame moms into not pursuing a diagnosis or into doing something that makes life easier for the medical professionals. They use it to make us doubt ourselves when we should be trusting ourselves most.
You’d never go up to someone about to start his first job and say “Well, you’ve never had a job before, so you’ll probably dress all wrong for the position.” Or “You’ve never cooked a turkey before, so you won’t know how big a bird to buy.”
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Jenny Islander Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 9:22 am (Quote)
Oh, pitocin contractions. I wince just hearing about them from moms who got induced. I think that’s what the epi was made for, although I wish that more U.S. hospitals had gas-and-air on hand instead because it’s so much less of a rigamarole to get into the mother’s system.
Discussion: Is this another case of “Some mothers need it, so all mothers should have one?” Obv. gas-and-air doesn’t work for a C-section patient, so are C-section patients why all mothers are expected to have a spinal?
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KDB Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 11:02 am (Quote)
I had to wince at the pitocin, too. My second was induced with pitocin and I sure as hell got the epidural after I realized they were not “normal” contractions. I also got a nasty nurse during that delivery. If I remember correctly, I ended up accidentally kicking her during pushing. Oops?
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jaed Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 11:50 am (Quote)
When your section rate is in the 30s, maybe it makes sense to you to encourage/urge/threaten all mothers into an epidural…
(I also wonder why they don’t just numb the cervix. You can do that and kill the pain of the cervix dilating without partially paralyzing the mother.)
(Of course, if the mother is numb from the waist down and can’t get out of bed or move around easily, she’s also a lot less trouble for the medical staff. She can simply be planted in a bed. So there’s also that.)
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C.Pratt Reply:
December 24th, 2011 at 11:53 am (Quote)
Yes, the possibility of c-section is exactly why care providers push epidurals- that way if things go south everything is already ready to go. Same reason for the IV or heplock. The actual number or true emergencies may be pretty low, but since 1/3 births are surgical and called “emergencies” on the chart because they were not planned prior to labor, it reinforces the practice of defensive medicine.
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Got an epi with my first, and it was an excellent experience all around. That said, I’m expecting #2 and am considering a med-free birth this go-’round. My interest was piqued by all the moms here and ones I know IRL who tell me how much better the recovery is from a med-free birth.
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Jespren had this to say,
Dec 24, 2011 @ 4:13 pm (Quote)
I can’t reply on my cell but this is in addendum to Jenny Islander’s comment up above about holding still…with my 2nd I had horrible back labor that was seizing my whole torso. Everytime I had a contraction (the front contraction of my uterus was no big deal) all the muscles from my shoulders to by buttock seized and lifted me up off the bed in a back arch, between contractions the muscles were spasming so I was jerking and twitching uncontrolably. I didn’t want pain meds, I knew I was close to delivery so it wasn’t a big deal, ok to bear it, but, seriously, I don’t understand how, if you are in bad enough pain to need an epidural (as all these med personel keep telling us, that we *need* it not might want it to help us cope) how could we stay still enough to have a needle inserted into our spine? ‘Excuse me mommy, but I’m going to stick this huge needle in your spine, could you stop writhing for 3-5 minutes?’ I just about took the head off the nurse who told me to stay still so the monitor (for the test strip) could pick up the heartbeat.
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Lizzie had this to say,
Dec 26, 2011 @ 9:10 am (Quote)
I had an epidural with my first. With my second, I figured I would get another, but the pain wasn’t too bad, so I ended up with only IV meds. My third was born too quick to get anything, even though I had wanted the IV meds again. Now I know I can do it drug-free, so that is my plan if I have any more.
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My first birth was with an epidural. My second, third and fourth were totally natural without so much as an IV (fourth at home).
It WAS my epidural birth that made me decide never again.
So yes, Nurse McBitchy, I HAVE had a baby and it was because of all of your interventions that I am forgoing them all forevermore!
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Jane Reply:
December 23rd, 2011 at 6:20 pm Jane(Quote)
I was going to write exactly this, except I didn’t have an epidural. I had IV narcotics. But all the rest I could have written verbatim. (Er, fifth at home.)
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Laura Reply:
December 23rd, 2011 at 9:06 pm Laura(Quote)
My first was with an epidural. My second was without epidural or any pain meds until after (I did let her numb me to stitch the tear!
, though still in hospital.
I would do the latter again in a heartbeat, not the former. For me at least, natural childbirth didn’t hurt as much as I’d expected, and the recovery was WORLDS better. Worlds.
(To be fair, the first also had bigger shoulders and they got stuck. I can’t be *sure* that wouldn’t have happened if I’d remained free to move around….)
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Ashley C Reply:
December 25th, 2011 at 6:19 am Ashley C(Quote)
My sentiments exactly! My first was with an epidural, on my back with coached pushing. I tore and took months to recover down there. My second was an unmedicated water birth with instinctive pushing and zero recovery time!
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