Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Dec
2
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…This Isn’t Any Worse Than The Abortions Some Young Girls Get.”
“Why are you so upset? This isn’t any worse than the abortions some young girls get.” - ER Nurse to mother going though a miscarriage.
There are 32 comments to this post.
Wow, this one made me cry!
First of all, there is a huge difference between an abortion and a miscarriage. An abortion is voluntary and a miscarriage isn’t! (Stating the obvious, I know!)
Second of all, “Why are you getting so upset?” Really?! Maybe the woman is upset because she is losing a baby she really wants? Maybe she is upset because she’s in pain? This list could go on for quite awhile…
OP, I’m so sorry. Really, really sorry.
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Damn, echoing earlier commentors on the massive difference between an elective procedure and the unexpected loss of a wanted, loved, possibly long awaited and striven for pregnancy.
Also, what’s with the “young girls get…” addition. Like only young girls are dumb enough to get knocked up and elect abortions. Because no older woman has ever become pregnant and elected to abort? Or is it that you purposefully inflict pain on your younger patients for what you perceive as their lack of responsibility or moral behavior.
Completely uncalled for on every level.
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Jane Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:36 pm (Quote)
The “young girls” part is calculated to make the woman feel like she must be acting immature, since “young girls” do this same thing allllllll the time and presumably don’t cry.
It would be the same as if she said to someone with a broken leg, “What’s the problem? I see ninety year old men with arthritis walking up these stairs ALL THE TIME.” ie, “You’re not as good as this person we’re going to presume you judge as somehow less than you.”
Really, offensive all the way around. :-b
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juliewashere88 Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 7:35 pm (Quote)
I hope you aren’t implying that suffering an unwanted pregnancy and seeking an abortion as a result of that situation makes one “dumb.”
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Rachel T Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 10:19 am (Quote)
Absolutely not. I was “speaking” in the voice I imagine this horrible, judgmental nurse used. If she would judge a woman for reacting to pain, she would surely feel no compunction at passing this sort of judgment on people who experience unplanned pregnancies.
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I hope that what I’m about to post makes sense; I’m all Mommy-brained and not feeling terribly articulate. Bear with me because it really is relevant to the OP.
When I went in for my MW appointment the other day, I had to sign some paperwork detailing that I understand state laws regarding midwifery and out-of-hospital birth.
One of the papers stated that by signing it, I understood that by law, my midwives were to “recommend” physician consultation for numerous medical reasons. But the very last reason was non-medical: “psychosocial issues related to pregnancy.”
Pray tell, what makes physicians EXPERTS in the psychosocial realm? Unless they are psychiatrists, they certainly don’t do coursework in psychology or psychotherapy. I can guarantee you that licensed counselors, social workers, and psychologists are the genuinely qualified experts in this area. State law should actually call for referring relevant pregnant women to THEM!
If physicians fancy themselves “experts” because they work with a lot of pregnant women….how are they different from midwives? Sure, they can write out prescriptions for Zoloft and the like, but multiple studies have shown that meds alone won’t adequately treat depression; counseling does have to be involved.
Coming back to the OP, what if my midwife DID decide that I needed a physician referral for psychosocial issues? If I went, would I get comments like the one in the OP?? Or comments like the countless hurtful things shared on this site? Because what I’ve seen posted on MOSW clearly reveals that not only do providers LACK expertise in women’s psychosocial welfare, but they are more than capable of causing further damage to women’s mental well-being. 
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Rebecca Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 6:59 pm (Quote)
I think that may be a polite way of describing pregnancy-induced psychiatric problems.
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Aron Reply:
December 4th, 2011 at 6:11 am (Quote)
This. Also, technically, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in psychiatric issues, so if the midwife felt a referral was warranted it would be to a psychiatric physician (according to the wording of that document – not that she couldn’t also refer to other mental health experts).
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Wendy Reply:
December 6th, 2011 at 5:57 pm (Quote)
“Psychiatric” and “psychosocial” mean two entirely different things. Also, the law states “physician,” not “psychiatrist.”
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Rebecca Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 6:38 am (Quote)
Having been a therapist, I can tell you that you have to be careful with the word psychiatry. It has negative connotations and can frighten patients, sometimes to the point of discontinuing necessary treatment. So you use different terms in the beginning, describing the process and the reasons for going 100% straightforwardly. Also, psychiatrists are, by law, physicians.
Telling a patient that they have psychiatric problems right off the bat when they have not even had a diagnostic eval can really traumatize the patient.
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Doula Brandi had this to say,
Dec 2, 2011 @ 4:40 pm (Quote)
OP, I am so sorry this comment was made to you, how thoughtless and just mean.
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And just to put this out there: a woman who elects to abort is certainly in no *better* position than a women suffering a miscarriage. Even if it’s an elective procedure, it can still be very painful for many women (emotionally and physically).
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Vanessa Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 5:25 pm (Quote)
I came here to post this exact thing. Just because a woman elects to have an abortion does NOT mean that she made the decision lightly. Ugh, I am so sorry the OP had to hear that from a nurse.
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Mama Wrench Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 5:34 pm (Quote)
Exactly this… an abortion can both be completely desired AND completely devastating. Telling ANY woman she should feel ANY one way or the other about ANYTHING relating to her reproduction — and then chastising her for not “obeying” your demands — is wrong no matter WHAT your political or personal opinions are on the matter.
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Robyn Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 6:43 pm (Quote)
I wholeheartedly agree! Many even slip into a depression. I think for the majority of women, the choice to abort is rather traumatizing (not speaking from experience, just some things I’ve read).
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juliewashere88 Reply:
December 5th, 2011 at 7:38 pm (Quote)
Some women are bothered by their elective abortions. But most aren’t. It’s certainly not true to say that the majority find it “traumatizing.” According to numerous studies on the subject, the most common feelings after an abortion are actually relief and happiness.
That isn’t to say that different women will feel differently about the situation, of course. As I think is your point.
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The abortion reference aside… how can anyone ask a mother who is losing a child, “Why are you so upset?” Is this nurse a human being, or a robot with no notion of human emotion?
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Details Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 4:30 am (Quote)
Even Spock (from Star Trek not the baby doc) would note a typical human emotional reaction even though he couldn’t relate in the slightest. Yes, this is what they all do, it doesn’t make any sense because it doesn’t change the out come, but they all do it anyway. Totally normal for their speices.
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That is just wrong. That poor woman for having to hear that. And that idiot who said it should be shot!
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buggrit_1979 Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 1:23 am (Quote)
While I agree that it was hurtful and in poor taste, and that there is no excuse for it, do we really have to advocate violence towards someone just because they are an insensitive jerk? Even though you are (I hope) exaggerating, I find it very troubling that shooting someone for hurting someone else’s feelings is the first place your mind went.
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Details Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 4:34 am (Quote)
It is a frustration reaction. Totally normal for somebody who can’t actually strick out. Happens all the time on this site. As if anybody could kick a doctor in the face with a baby emerging from her vagina, or would even do it if she could since her baby could easily fall on the floor if she did. It is just talk. Don’t waste your time being very troubled by it. Go take a psych class.
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buggrit_1979 Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:23 am (Quote)
I don’t need a psych class to know that there’s nothing abnormal about being troubled by how nonchalant our society has become about casual violence. I pointed out in my previous comment that I don’t believe Diana WOULD shoot the OB, so your whole spiel about “As if anybody could… It’s just talk” is pointless and unwarranted.
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Jane Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 4:57 am (Quote)
I do wonder, from time to time, if any of these “care providers” featured on this site ever say something nasty like this to an unbalanced person, who later on tracks them down and becomes violent.
Submitting a comment to this site is a lot better than actual violence. I agree with you, though, that we shouldn’t advocate violence in the comments. Some attorney could probably make a case that we were inciting violence against health care providers and get the site taken down. :-b
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buggrit_1979 Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 12:25 pm (Quote)
I fully agree with you– you would have to be an extremely foolhardy person to say something so insensitive to a patient, especially an upset patient whose hormones are all whacked, and ESPECIALLY with the sorts of unbalanced reactions directed against so many medical professionals these days. :/
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Diana Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 6:37 am (Quote)
Seriously? It’s not that big of a deal. No my mind did not literally go there. Some of the things that get said to these woman especially those who are miscarrying is just awful and repulsive to me. It was late last night and that was the only way in my tired brain that I could convey how I upset I was with this remark. I don’t think an unbalanced person would be on this site seeking the right kind of support of an insensitive care provider. If I hurt anyone’s feelings I do apologize but I won’t take back my original comment. It’s the same when someone says ‘karate chop them in the face’ or ‘kick them in the throat’, both comments I have seen on this site before. Don’t take life too literally or personally. It seems people on here do way too much. Life is too short for all that.
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buggrit_1979 Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:32 am (Quote)
Yes, “seriously”. It is a big deal. “I didn’t mean any harm by it” doesn’t make it harmless. If your “tired brain” can’t think of any better way to phrase your displeasure than “Someone should shoot that person”, then you need to practice saying things like “What an awful human being,” “I hope that the mum is okay now”, etc.
The problem with using casual violence in our conversations is twofold. One, speaking and thinking in a violent way makes us more prone to acting in a violent way; and two, our children, who don’t know the meaning of hyperbole, will learn that violence and the advocacy of it is “no big deal”. Is that really a lesson you want to pass on to future generations?
Another thing to consider is that there are plenty of women on this site who have been victims of casual violence; it can be very disturbing to them to hear talk like this.
I never meant to suggest you were unbalanced; just that your way of thinking about this is bothersome, for the reasons listed above. I don’t think you’re a raving nutter; I just think you hadn’t thought through the possible ramifications of your comment. I was (and continue to be) perfectly polite about it. I would appreciate you not being flippant in your further replies to me.
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Blue Reply:
December 4th, 2011 at 1:19 pm (Quote)
I completely agree. Words are important, for a variety of reasons, as evidenced by the very existence of this website. I fully understand the urge to utter such phrases, but I also think it’s important to strive to do better. If we choose our words poorly when criticizing health care providers for choosing their words poorly… well, there’s a word for that. And it undermines what should be our goal of improving the dialogue between care provider and patient.
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Layla19 Reply:
December 7th, 2011 at 9:43 am (Quote)
I’m going to have to contest your claim that speaking in violent hyperbole makes us more prone to violence. I use violent hyperbole often, and after a few seconds of venting (not even to whoever made me angry in the first place) I’m able to just let it go and stop being angry. I don’t hit, I don’t yell at people, but I do think/say things I’d “like” to happen to them (that I don’t actually wish for).
However, I agree that what we say needs to be watched in front of kids. I’m not sure there should be any here, though, for various reasons.
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Add Your Comment.
Speechless!!! Maybe because the women who chose to get an abortion decided for whatever reason to voluntarily terminate a pregnancy…but that the mom having a miscarriage did not????
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