Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Nov
30
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…You Still Have Another Baby To Make Up For It.”
“You passed tissue. You were, what, six weeks? It was on the ultrasound, now it won’t be – you still have another baby to make up for it!” – OB to mother who lost one of the twins she was carrying.
There are 21 comments to this post.
And it would be okay if this was about a sock the OP lost in the dryer. But talking about a human being? Nope. Not okay. Never okay.
What other relationship would we talk about that way?
“I know you lost your mother, but you still have another parent to make up for it. In the past when you had a family portrait there were two parents. Now there will be only one.”
“You were only married for what, six years? You’ll get married again someday. Before when you filed your taxes you did it jointly, but now you’ll just file single, and someday you’ll have another husband to make up for it.”
I’m convinced many OBs are afraid of emotion.
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This happened to my sis. She got pg with twins via IVF (after trying for over 10 years) and lost one twin at 7 weeks. It was sad and very scary for her. Though she now has a gorgeous, perfect 2 year old, the lost of the twin still pains her. It’s a BABY, not tissue, doc.
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Smack! Oy! Wake up, Doc! Regardless of what you believe, as soon as she was told, “Twins!” she believed that two children were growing inside her, and she loved them both. Here’s a rule: say the same thing you would say to a woman who lost an older child in some sort of accident. “I’m sorry for your loss. Your other child is doing well and we’ll do everything we can to keep it that way.” Is that so hard?
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Heather P had this to say,
Nov 30, 2011 @ 7:23 am (Quote)
I don’t understand why people who are this cold would go into a medical profession that requires so much compassion! Let me rephrase this by saying, “I cut off your testicle. You were, what, 47? It was there your whole life, now it won’t be- you still have another ball to make up for it!”
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Thought about smacking him; I did report him to the hospital he practiced at but I know he just delivered a friend of mine so I’m positive he wasn’t penalized.
And I wasn’t six weeks, which was the “funniest” part – I was closer to 9. He flipped open my chart and made that lovely comment while reading it, then corrected himself and went on with the visit as if nothing happened.
My insurance is very limiting so unfortunately it took me some time to find a new OB who would accept it and was taking new patients. :/
Of course, everyone I know who had him appreciated his “straightforward attitude”. Then again, all of them had c-sections at or before 38 weeks, most elective. I don’t know a single person who paid that man to be their physician who DIDN’T have a section.
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Amanda Reply:
December 1st, 2011 at 8:59 am (Quote)
OP, I’m so sorry. This happened to me (the twin miscarriage, not the obnoxious comment). I struggled for a long time, wondering if I had the “right” to mourn the loss of one twin when the other twin was fine; after all, I was still pregnant, and most women who miscarry don’t get to have that consolation. My son is eight now and I kinda recently told him about his twin. I always said he had enough personality for two people. I hadn’t had my first postpartum period yet when my second baby was conceived – my son was only three months old. They’re my “almost twins” because they’re less than a year apart. I am not going to forget about the lost twin just because I still have a healthy baby and I’m sure you won’t either. At least you reported it…maybe it didn’t have much of an impact, but maybe it did. Maybe they at least mentioned it to him so he can be mindful of it in the future. (((hugs)))
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Mares Reply:
December 4th, 2011 at 7:20 pm (Quote)
I also lost a twin in my pregnancy with my son. My sweet husband knew it was twins even before we had an ultrasound, just something in his gut told him, and he was devastated when we lost one. We’re still a bit wistful about it.
I’m sorry for your loss and for the unforgivable treatment from the OB.
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Mama Wrench had this to say,
Nov 30, 2011 @ 12:45 pm (Quote)
Wow… there is absolutely nothing redeemable about this entry. OP, I am SO sorry. 
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Ouch.
My sister carried identical twins and one of them was stillborn. Every time I look at the other, now age 7, I feel this ache because I miss Penelope. We praise the Lord for allowing us to have such a beautiful baby but that doesn’t change the fact that we miss her sister!
OP, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m glad you chose to report the doctor. Even though it might not have gotten immediate action, your complaint is on record now. Starting that paper trail is a good thing.
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Okay. List of things that “make up” for losing a baby:
………….
No, I got nothing. I will not ever forget about my loss, and the person who tells me my next child makes up for the lost one is getting injured.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss.
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The Deranged Housewife had this to say,
Dec 7, 2011 @ 10:39 am (Quote)
And now we understand why women who are thought to have miscarried actually end up having completely unnecessary D&C’s and end up accidentally terminating a live pregnancy. *shudder* What an asshole – I’m glad you reported him, OP.
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Add Your Comment.
OP, I’m so sorry…
Doc, she lost a baby. Maybe a tiny, tiny baby, but it was a dream and no other baby makes up for that one. And calling it ’tissue’ is cruel and disgusting and sick and may make you feel better, but your feelings aren’t what matter right now.
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