Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Nov
13
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“You Have A 2 Year Old? And You Wanted To Do This Again On Purpose…?”
“You have a 2 year old? And you wanted to do this again on purpose? Really?” – OB to mother experiencing a miscarriage.
There are 29 comments to this post.
Alyson Miers had this to say,
Nov 13, 2011 @ 10:56 am (Quote)
*ZAP!*
Dr. Douchewaffle, why do you keep hitting yourself?!
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You know, I just don’t understand it. What is the thought process behind a doctor saying something like this? Seriously… when I read or hear something I don’t agree with, at least I can usually see where the thought process comes from. I can’t figure it out on this one.
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Jane Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 12:59 pm (Quote)
The thought process is the doctor’s version of sour grapes. In traditional sour grapes, when you can’t have the grapes, you tell yourself you never really wanted it anyhow because they were probably sour.
In the doctor’s version of sour grapes, the doctor sees a woman who is upset and who has realized the doctor cannot do a single thing to help her. The doctor then feels defensive because the doctor and all of medical science can’t fix this mother’s problem.
Feeling defensive, the doctor then tells the mother that she shouldn’t have wanted this baby anyhow.
This is the logic chain:
Problem 1) Patient has a medical problem, the miscarriage.
Problem 1A) Patient is very sad
Response:
2) Doctors solve medical problems.
Complication:
3) I cannot solve the medical problem of her miscarriage
Creation of New Problem:
4) I don’t like feeling helpless
4A) Patient now sees there is nothing I can do about the miscarriage
Resolution:
5) Switch gears to Problem 1A
6) Tell mother she should not be sad
6A) Make up a reason why mother should not be sad
7) Problem solved.
The doctor is solving the wrong problem because the doctor has made the problem NOT the mother’s miscarriage but the mother’s emotional response to the miscarriage.
When the doctor gets defensive because there’s no way to reverse a miscarriage (nor even prevent it) then the doctor stops practicing medicine and tries to shame the mother into not seeing his/her helplessness. The doctor was, in effect, addressing the doctor’s problem of not liking the mom’s sadness rather than addressing the needs of the patient.
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::sigh:: so sad.
I just had my second miscarriage in less than 4 months. Whenever anyone finds out, they ask: “how old are your children?” I have a 3 year old and a 17 month old. They ALWAYS exclaim: “but, they’re so YOUNG! Why do you want another one already???” Like I’ve completely lost my mind.
Thanks… way to make a grieving mother feel defensive and judged. What is wrong with people??
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LG Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 3:29 pm (Quote)
That is terrible, sigrid — so sorry. Last I checked, it was only your business how far apart your kids are. 
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Sheva Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 3:59 pm (Quote)
I’m so sorry. And you’re 100% right, it’s none of their business. People are just stupid, sometimes.
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abba12 Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 6:49 pm (Quote)
I miscarried when my first baby was 8 months. I never told anyone except my closest family for the same reasons.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Details Reply:
November 14th, 2011 at 5:24 am (Quote)
I’m so sorry for your loses. I hope that when people say things like that to you you can cut them off and ask them what the Heck is wrong with them. Or at the how old your children are – what the heck does that matter? There is no point in being polite to rude people. It only encourages them.
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Stephanie S. had this to say,
Nov 13, 2011 @ 11:31 am (Quote)
I can’t believe that…I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my now 2 yr old daughter…and it was my general practitioner who ‘kindly’ told me that I had a miscarriage and then hinted at the fact that I shouldn’t even be trying to get pregnant when I was 20 something and married!!
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I have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 6 week old and each is just as precious to me as the others. Just because having more than one lttle one means that I stay more busy and tired does not mean that I should not have wanted more!
Basically, no matter what the planned (or unplanned) age gap is, you are going to find SOMEONE who disagrees with the decision (or surprise). So with that in mind Dr, I will have my children however close or far apart that they come.
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road2vba2c had this to say,
Nov 13, 2011 @ 12:10 pm (Quote)
Nurse walks in, “I’m sorry, ma’am. This model needs his brain/mouth filter replaced.”
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I am 28, nearly 29.
My brother is 26, nearly 27. (24 months after me.)
My sister is 25. (roughly 18 months apart from older brother)
My brother is 22 nearly 23. (28 months after sister)
My brother is 20, nearly 21. (25 months after brother before him).
Yes, they were all planned.
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Mama Wrench Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 1:21 pm (Quote)
My husband, his sister and brother are, in order, 28, 27 and 26, respectively. He and his sister are 4 days from being Irish twins.
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So, getting pregnant when you have a 2 year old, means your child will be pretty much 3 when the baby is due. So that is a bad age gap? Getting pregnant with in the first year after your child’s birth is a bad age gap as well. So tell me Doc, what do you think is perfect? Let me plan my life, and my family around your OPINION!!! (oh feel free to read this with extreme sarcasm.)
OP I am so sorry for your loss, and for the judgment for a asshat doctor.
I started trying for a 2nd baby when my son was 2, but didn’t get pregnant for almost a year. He and his sibling (due in 2 weeks) will be 3 1/2 years apart in age. I think it is perfect for MY family.
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This is another quote from the same doctor. My other one got posted earlier this week. I guess there were so many nasty awful things he said that they could not choose just one! This came out after he said some other horrible things. It was the part where he felt he had to give a speech to make it better. I sure didn’t feel better after this. I wish they knew that a simple “I am sorry for your loss” would be a fabulous thing to say in this situation. He also knew this was my 2nd miscarriage in a row in less than 6 months.
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Jane Reply:
November 13th, 2011 at 4:36 pm (Quote)
Wow. What a guy.
I’m sorry you were treated so terribly.
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Vanessa Reply:
November 23rd, 2011 at 8:38 pm (Quote)
I’m so sorry and I agree a simple I’m sorry for your loss would have sufficed. My ob didn’t understand why I was upset after he told me I miscarried my first pregnancy. Then told me I could just have another one. Well I did get pregnant again 4 mos later and had who is now my 2yo daughter. Got pregnant back in August and miscarried for a second time. Yes even after having a 2 yo I still want another baby. I enjoyed going thru all the milestones with my first and would love to do it all over again. I just don’t understand how someone in this profession couldn’t understand that as well!
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Liz had this to say,
Nov 13, 2011 @ 1:57 pm (Quote)
I got pregnant 6 months after I gave birth. It was a total surprise and I felt overwhelmed because my husband had been laid off for almost a year. At about 9 weeks I started to get really excited about having another baby. 2 days later I started to bleed. I had not wanted to be pregnant that early after just giving birth but I did love that baby. When I finally miscarried my heart was broken. when Dec 17th rolls around I think about the day I lost my baby. When July rolls around I think about how my baby would have been born then and what age they would be. I am so sad I lost that baby and my life is forever changed by our loss.
Miscarriage is a big deal and should be treated as such.
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OP, I’m sorry for your loss
That said, if it was said in different circumstances, I would have found this comment funny. However, not when Mom just suffered a loss.
This may have something to do with having a two year old and recently having the “are you sure you want to do this again” conversation with my husband (we’re not pregnant or TTC, but we are planning to TTC in the not too distant future)
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Ugh. What an idiot.
People say the most unbelievably stupid, callous, ridiculous things to mothers who have miscarried.
FTR: “I’m so sorry.” is a perfectly reasonable, acceptable, safe thing to say.
Incredible as it may seem, verbally minimizing the loss does not, in fact, make it less painful. How do we get this through people’s heads???
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Add Your Comment.
Dear Doctor:
Thank you for your nasty value judgment, rendered in order to hide how despite your medical degree and the prestige of being a surgeon, you are unable to help this mom. We’re so sorry her personal tragedy made you feel inadequate.
Love,
Everone
PS: Blaming the mom for wanting a baby is bad obstetrics.
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