Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Oct
28
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…You’re Either Miscarrying Or Not. Crying Isn’t Going To Do Any Good. Let It Go.”
“*IF* you are lucky enough to become a mother, you’re going to have to learn to let go of things you can’t control. You’re either miscarrying or not. Crying isn’t going to do any good. Let it go.” – Midwife to a mother who was upset that she might be miscarrying.
There are 22 comments to this post.
What the….?!
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and 2 live births. My last miscarriage was only a couple of months ago and I cried so bad I thought I’d never stop.
Yes, there are a lot of things you have to let go as a parent. My house is messier than I’d like, I dont stress over it. Full nights sleep, manicures, nights out drinking… let them go a long time ago.
But the DEATH of a CHILD, no matter how early, is something a mother never fully lets go. On my baby’s due date I light a candle every year and will be doing the same for the child I recently lost. I named them. I love them.
What is with people trying to minimise the loss? That doesn’t help, it makes it so much worse. And HCPs should know better as they come into contact with this issue often in their jobs.
OP, sorry you had to hear this. And as it says “might be miscarrying” I hope this submission has a happy ending.
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Sigrid Reply:
October 30th, 2011 at 8:42 am (Quote)
beautiful post. I also had a miscarriage a couple months ago and I have two kids at home as well. Your thoughts echo mine exactly.
I’m sorry for your losses, Nicci.. Miscarriage is so much harder than I ever thought it could be.
I am appalled that a midwife could be so insensitive. I don’t know how I would have gotten through my loss without my compassionate midwife– she was a wonderful support.
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Dorothy Kernaghan-Baez had this to say,
Oct 28, 2011 @ 3:06 pm (Quote)
Um, Midwife Douchewaffle? Yeah, I’m talking to you. Just who do you think you are? HOW DARE YOU!!! “let go of things you can’t control” huh?
Well I control my choice of care provider. And You. Are. Fucking. FIRED.
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wow, what a contrast. When I was possibly miscarrying and putting on a brave face my midwife looked at me after we got a nice strong heartbeat and said, “It’s OK, you can stop being brave now.” at which point I dissolved into a puddle.
when you lose you soul and senstitivity like this ‘midwife’ it is time to change careers, maybe go be a realtor or something.
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Alyson Miers had this to say,
Oct 28, 2011 @ 4:00 pm (Quote)
*ZAP!*
Go sit in the corner and think about what you did.
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This is mine. I go to a midwife practice and they’re all fantastic, except this one. I think she’s been doing this way too long and is burned out. I had to see her because it was an emergency, and she was the only one with availability (I wonder why). I was in a lot of pain, and she refused to do anything, not even a physical exam because “there would be nothing we could do anyway.” I was supposed to have my 18 week sonogram a few days later and asked if it would be possible, for my peace of mind, to move it up a few days, with tears in my eyes. That’s when she responded with this gem. I understand that in the event of a miscarriage that early, there may be nothing medically they can do. But just because they couldn’t *do* anything doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be valuable to me to know what is going on. I left hysterical, and it took my husband and my MIL (who is a medical professional) hours to calm me down. It turns out the pain and bleeding were NOT a miscarriage, and I am currently 39 weeks pregnant.
Luckily, this midwife is on call less frequently than the others (seniority, I’m told), and there are always 2 midwives on call for labor and delivery, so if she does happen to be on call the day I go into labor, I’m asking for whomever else is on call then too.
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Cara Reply:
October 28th, 2011 at 5:53 pm (Quote)
Please report her. Her behavior was negligent at best. I’m glad you and your baby are ok.
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xanthina Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 2:06 am (Quote)
When I was moving cross country this spring, early in my pregnancy, I started bleeding. Being that we where in an unknown area, I ended up going to the er. I knew that at that point, nothing could be done. But I also needed to know one way or the other what was going on. Did I need to do less? Did I need to relax, because everything was fine? Did I need to mourn? I just needed to *KNOW*.
I got an ultrasound, and blood work. The ultrasound confirmed that I had a viable, strong, 9week pregnancy. The bleeding was likely related to me overworking myself with the move, and I was relegated to “Sit and point” duty.
Point being… even if there is nothing to be done, there *IS* something to be said for knowing what is going on.
*hugs* I am sorry you had to deal with this, and wish you a safe and sound birth 
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Jane Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 5:17 am (Quote)
I agree with Cara that if you haven’t already reported this midwife’s inaction to the other midwives in the practice, you should do so after the delivery.
It’s for THEIR benefit that they need to know. Because at some point, something WILL go wrong with a mom, and this midwife WILL brush it off, and the whole practice will get sued. They need to know.
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Heather Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 1:08 pm (Quote)
Ditto Jane.
And I effing hate that “There’s nothing we can do.” They say that 3 days before there IS something they can do, but at least the doctor who said it to me said it with genuine regret, holding my hand with tears in HER eyes and offered to pray with/for me if I liked. And that was an ER doctor. It’s sad when someone whose whole job is more burnout-worthy is more compassionate than someone who specifically works with that sort of thing all the time (and this was NOT a young doctor).
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Samantha had this to say,
Oct 28, 2011 @ 5:37 pm (Quote)
Michele I am so glad your baby is ok. What a horrible thing to have said to you.
I lost a baby in January,and I spent a lot of time crying over it. Even though I knew deep down from the moment I tested positive that it didn’t feel right and would end in a miscarriage, it still hurt like hell
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“let go of THINGS you can’t control….let IT go…” Yeah, Midwife Moron’s problem is she equates PEOPLE with THINGS. That mama is carrying a PERSON inside her, a much beloved human being – not a cell phone, not a book, not a wad of tissue with some sort of potential: a loved child. Being upset at the thought of losing her child does NOT make her a control freak – it makes her a human, a mother.
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Michele, I am *so* glad you and your baby are ok! I have a history of early losses. Let the midwife I saw at my initial prenatal (almost 11 weeks), when we couldn’t find a heartbeat, fix that for this midwife:
“We can deal with this in one of three ways – one is, this could be completely normal, we just wait and watch, and see what happens by the next prenatal in four weeks. The second is, we can have you come in for a ‘heartbeat check’ in two weeks, even though your next prenatal will be in four weeks. The third is, you could get an ultrasound. I can tell you that any OB right now would want you to go get an ultrasound [due to how we determined dates], but we can do whatever you want. If you want to get an ultrasound, I won’t make you wait – we’ll do it right away. ”
Even though my rational brain knew that there would probably be no difference whether I checked immediately or not, my emotions – especially in light of my history – needed the ultrasound, and I figured the catecholamines couldn’t be good for the baby if I was stressing about it either. As it turned out, the baby was perfect. We even happened to get a CRL that confirmed my dates to a T, so if I need OB care during this pregnancy for any reason, that will work to my advantage.
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Besides the fact that this is all bad, I seriously hate the crying comment. Nothing irks me more than someone saying “stop crying, it isn’t going to change anything”. I’m pretty sure we’ve learned since birth that just plain crying won’t change things but that doesn’t make it pointless. It’s a release. Some days, I cry over not having mayonnaise to make a sandwich(I’m 22 weeks pregnant). Other times I cry over much larger matters, like a possible miscarriage. Either way, it makes me feel much much better to let it out. So unless you want me holding it all in and eventually have a complete breakdown or punching you in the face, crying is helping.
Michele- I’m sorry you were treated this way and I’m so glad that your little one is doing well.
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Mama Wrench had this to say,
Oct 29, 2011 @ 8:45 am (Quote)
It’s MWs like she who not only hand over the ammo, but actually load the gun for people like Dr A. 
So sorry you went through that, OP, her lack of care was negligence, pure and simple. It’s great that she’s a minority in an otherwise great practice but the MW community being as small as it is means even one bad apple makes the whole barrel look bad.
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aly had this to say,
Nov 10, 2011 @ 7:07 pm (Quote)
I had a very similar experience and a comment to end all comments! I’ve have had 4 pregnancy losses (I am 39 weeks pregnant now thank god) I had a really hard time coping with them all but my last one seemed to bother me much longer (it still does) my ‘MW’ told me there isnt a thing you can do about it, it happens, but if your so worried about you can stop trying. I broke down and bawled she told me I needed to get dressed and leave her office she said I’ll make her other pregnant patients upset if they see me cry. My poor husband didnt know weather to hug me or slap her. (she was reported!) then at the hospital just last night I went in and they asked about my other pregnancies I told the L&D nurse my history. The next question out of her mouth “how many abortions have you had?” right after I finished telling her about my fertility issues!
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Add Your Comment.
I was already a mother and had learned to let alot of things go, but I still cried when I miscarried.
Oh, and thanks for making her doubt her body’s ability to carry a baby to term by including that lovely little word “IF” in there. Jerk! I’m sorry someone was so heartless to you OP.
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