Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Oct
21
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“Looks Like This Pregnancy Isn’t Viable…I Thought You’d Be Relieved.”
“Looks like this pregnancy isn’t viable after all. I thought you’d be relieved?” – OB to 19 year old mother during a 10 week ultrasound, when the OB was surprised that the mother was crying over the news.
There are 26 comments to this post.
Well, since she’s obviously NOT relieved, perhaps the thing to do with that thought is keep it safely silent in your head and say, “I’m terribly sorry. I’ll give you a few minutes to get yourself together, and when you think you’re up to it, we’ll go over what happens next.”
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We all know what ASSUME stands for. I can’t get over this. First of all maybe she was going to give the baby up but still cared about them. Maybe *gasp* she planned and wanted this pregnancy. I was only a year older when I made the conscious choice to go off BC and start ‘trying’
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Wow this makes me mad, I was 19 when I had my daughter and never once I have I had any regrets. Shes the best thing in my life (Im married now with two other children with a nice house,car,education,etc). How does he know that she didnt have the same planned? I dont think any one is relieved when they have a miscarriage whether it was planned or unplanned. There is a lot of hurt and guilt that goes along with even abortions.
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lilmrsmchenry had this to say,
Oct 21, 2011 @ 11:28 am (Quote)
Seriously?!?! At 19 I had been married for over a year and conceived our second planned child together. We made a conscious decision to start having our children early since we planned on having several.
Even with an unplanned pregnancy, by 10 weeks the mother-to-be has normally had enough time to process what is happening and except it. I know that for me, when we found out that we were expecting #1 a bit sooner then expected,it took me very little time to go from “Oh shit!” to having the warm and fuzzies when thinking about it.
It is never safe to assume that a woman, no matter what her age, would be relieved by the loss of a child.
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I had an early miscarriage at 17. I was extremely relieved. I did not want a baby at that time. I was also very sad because my baby had died. It’s possible to feel two opposite emotions at the same time.
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amanda Reply:
October 24th, 2011 at 7:20 am (Quote)
exactly.
this doc needs to come from a neutral place – yes, the mom might be relieved. or she might be devastated. or she might be both. but he shouldn’t be expressing what he feels are the ‘right’ reactions.
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Jade Reply:
October 27th, 2011 at 10:27 pm (Quote)
I had an early miscarriage at 16 and only felt relief, I wasn’t ready by any stretch of the imagination. I also had a (not so early) miscarriage at 17, I wanted that baby even if it wasn’t planned, it shattered me, I was devastated, depressed, had to go on anti depressants, see a psychiatrist, was only able to attend school 4 days a week, and generally was a complete mess. The mothers age isn’t necessarily relevant to her feelings about the pregnancy.
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Okay doctor. Even if you knew this was an unplanned pregnancy, unplanned does not mean unwanted. Its still a loss.
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rebecca Reply:
October 21st, 2011 at 12:54 pm (Quote)
hit submit too soon.
Even when a loss is a relief (I’m thinking of end-of-life situations here, not pregnancies) its a loss. Would you be surprised to see a woman crying when her parent lost a long battle with medical problems even if she were also relieved? Of course not. In fact, you would probably tell her it was natural to be relieved and that it was okay to greive and be relieved at the same time.
Why is it different for a pregnancy?
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V had this to say,
Oct 21, 2011 @ 1:40 pm (Quote)
I was pregnant with my second then as well. What if she had planned the baby? Even if it was not planned, the mother likely had a while to get attched to the little being inside her by then and it seems a surprise that she would be upset? Wtf???
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Lacey Jane had this to say,
Oct 21, 2011 @ 4:19 pm (Quote)
This was me! It was an insane experience. When she said that, I looked at her and my mouth dropped open. Then I was PISSED. I told her that just because this baby was an accident did not make it a mistake, and WHAT MADE HER THINK that I would be RELIEVED!? Oh I was so mad. I left so angry and bitter. She didn’t inform me that my blood was O- and I would need to be tested for antibodies & possibly given RhoGam for future pregnancies. Now I am 23 and married (NOT THAT IT MATTERED THAT I WAS 19 AND NOT!) and we are expecting a baby. I had a lot of problems at first with this pregnancy and THANK GOD we figured out it was because I had antibodies trying to fight off the fetus and we got RhoGam when we did, otherwise it would have probably been another miscarriage. This doctor and her practice led me to researching alternative care and I am happily planning a homebirth with lovely midwives for April 2012 
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Jena Reply:
October 22nd, 2011 at 12:00 am (Quote)
I’m glad you figured out what was going on! Best wishes!
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BeckyJ Reply:
October 22nd, 2011 at 10:06 am (Quote)
I never had anyone say something so horrible to me, but I was just shy of age 19 when i had an ultrasound for a suspected miscarriage and already had one child. I’m so sorry that this woman was so insensitive and rude. If anyone could understand, it SHOULD be a woman. 
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
October 24th, 2011 at 6:23 am (Quote)
Good for you for standing up for yourself, Lacey!
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
October 24th, 2011 at 6:25 am (Quote)
Crap, hit submit too soon.
I find it odd, though, that they wouldn’t go over your Rh status with you – because that would mean complications when you get pregnant again. Isn’t this standard procedure for every woman to find out their Rh? What an amazing lack of oversight. 
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Dreamy had this to say,
Oct 22, 2011 @ 1:23 pm (Quote)
I can’t respond directly because I’m on my phone, but BeckyJ, if you feel the need to insert anti-abortion rhetoric into a post, at least make it less of a non sequitur. (Disposing of bodies?) That way you can still maintain plausible deniability regarding your agenda.
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Rebecca Reply:
October 22nd, 2011 at 6:20 pm (Quote)
(for the record, personally anti-abortion, politically pro-choice)
I really think that Becky had a point. I think that there’s a culture within the medical community which doesn’t think of an unborn child as a person, which is why we see such shoddy compassion after miscarriage and the pressure to abort when there are indicators for birth defects.
I’ve seen too many comments on here that indicate that before some arbitrary number of weeks, the baby isn’t worth trying to save- even if its a situation that could be helped (and I know many situations in early pregnancy cannot)
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Darsy Reply:
October 25th, 2011 at 8:50 am (Quote)
The way this comment is phrased makes all the difference to me. Often I feel like because I’m pro-choice, I am somehow complicit in the way some ‘care providers’ treat the unborn. It’s totally possible to be, as you said, politically pro-choice AND think that the child you’re carrying or your sister is carrying or some stranger on the internet is carrying is something much more valuable than a piece of disposable garbage
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I don’t care how old the mother is if she loses a pregnancy. A younger mother deserves the same amount of respect as an older mother.
If you don’t know what to say a simple “I’m sorry” will do. And offering tissues doesn’t hurt either.
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