Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Sep
6
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…I Don’t Like Fighting With The Husband While The Wife’s In Labor…”
“I do not suggest you have a birth plan ready or take Bradley Natural Childbirth classes. I don’t like fighting with the husband while the wife’s in labor and I am trying to do my job.” – OB at a 20 week prenatal appointment.
There are 37 comments to this post.
What is this, a dominance display? If you and my husband can’t agree that you want what’s best for me and the baby, then yes, someone DOES need to fight with you. Because as it turns out, even though you want to do your job, protecting the family is my husband’s job.
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road2vba2c had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 5:25 am (Quote)
LOL… yeah I can imagine what my DH would do if a doctor told me this…
I hope OP got a new doc. This kind of bullying is unacceptable.
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Rach had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 5:31 am (Quote)
The only time I fight with the husband is when he wants her to have an epidural because he doesn’t want to support a labouring woman! Hate that! If the woman does have one after that we comment outside “epidural in room 5 for husband’s discomfort”
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Alyson Miers had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 5:59 am (Quote)
Doc, why don’t you just put a sign above the door of your practice that says: “Well-informed families need not apply”? It would save you all a lot of trouble.
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First of all, you will be dealing with me while I am in labor. I don’t suddenly become insane and unreachable just because I happen to be experiencing contractions. Second, if your goals are at odds with my goals we have a problem and you are about to be fired. But thanks for the heads up so early in the process.
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road2vba2c had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 7:32 am (Quote)
This doc is obviously self absorbed and doesn’t care about his patients. Just look at his/her comment, “*I* do not suggest you have a birth plan ready or take Bradley Natural Childbirth classes. *I* don’t like fighting with the husband while the wife’s in labor and *I* am trying to do *my* job.”
Who is this doc thinking about, really?
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Koula Cayne had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 8:09 am (Quote)
Wow…I could have written this one. My doctor with my first baby wouldn’t even talk to me, he talked to my husband as if I was unable to speak for myself. I felt like I was being taken to the vet. The worst part was that we lived in a small town where this guy was the only OB and I couldn’t get in with any of the OBs in the surrounding area because they “didn’t want to steal his patients”. I finally found a midwife, but she was too far away to make it to my birth. She was an hour late!
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C.Pratt Reply:
September 6th, 2011 at 9:42 am (Quote)
“I’m not his patient! I’m not his patient!!!!”
Omg, this reminds me of getting corralled by a bad commission sales person at Sears- once someone talks to you, no one else will give you the time of day. I had to fire the whole darn store one time because of a bonehead sales associate who didnt know their a** from thier elbow. So sorry you had to deal with this, it is so frustrating!
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Angela Reply:
September 6th, 2011 at 10:47 am (Quote)
ugh, sounds like the landlord who stood with his back to me and explained the entire lease to my husband while I was sitting at the table, expecting that we’d all sit down and look at it.
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Lizzie Reply:
October 20th, 2011 at 7:41 am (Quote)
My sister had the opposite when she was in labor with her second or third child. (I can’t remember which, we were talking about it after I mentioned this site to her.) One of the clerks from admitting was in there asking her all those questions while she was getting an epidural. She was also going through a contraction and her husband was trying to help her stay still. Anyway, the clerk asked her religious preference and her husband said “She has none”. “Excuse me, I was asking HER.” As soon as they finished with the epidural, she went off on that clerk. Her husband knew her well enough to know what religion she is, after all.
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These comments always baffle me. I was the one having the baby so, GASP, my doc dealt directly with ME. Imagine that? My husband was there for support and was absolutely wonderful in that capacity, but I was the one in the driver’s seat, so to speak…
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Well, this displays the disconnect pretty plainly, doesn’t it? Doc sees this as *his/her* job. Which I understand– being an OB is his/her job– but sexism and jerkiness aside, the disconnect here is one we see often. “Don’t come to my job and tell me what to do”– KWIM? “Don’t interfere with my work– I know what I’m doing.” As opposed to a collaboration. As opposed to mom having a “job” she is doing as well– pretty much the more important one, and in 90% of cases, she’s doing (or should/could be doing) 90% of the work.
No, it’s a job they come to do– TO you. Let them do “their job.” Etc.
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…because it might be harder to argue with the husband, since he’s not distracted by actually being IN labor. I won’t stand for any shenanigans like informed consent or respect in MY labor room! I like everyone cowed and compliant.
For gems like this OB, laboring women are good targets for manipulation, since they have to, you know, labor! Heaven forbid we ask and then wait till the end of a contraction for an answer! Heaven forbid we read the birth plan! And it ticks me off that women should have to deal with ANYTHING other than labor, and with people like this jerk, it’s hard even to delegate stuff to the dad or other support person. Mom’s in charge. Bottom line. And once she makes it clear that she wants people to deal with a proxy for the stupid stuff like medical history, preferences, etc….respect her! She’s kinda busy! And don’t you dare undercut her by disallowing her choice to have someone serve as a buffer between her and hospital policy!)
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Translation: “Don’t educate yourself because it will make it harder for me to do things to you that have risks I have no intention of informing you of. Also, I plan to take advantage of your vulnerability while you are in labor, and I see your husband as the only real threat to my plans.”
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Kate, Ren's Mama had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 10:20 am (Quote)
Wow, sounds like this doc is really intimidated by a mama with an educated birth team. S/he must really hate doulas.
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I’m going to do a breakdown of this because other than the fact that it’s too obvious, it’s excellent manipulation.
“I do not suggest you have a birth plan ready or take Bradley Natural Childbirth classes.
–First, the doctor starts by SUGGESTING, and women tend to like suggestions because it indicates parity and community. But note how the doctor puts the whole burden on the woman: SHE will take the class, SHE will get the birth plan ready.
” I don’t like fighting with the husband”
–this appeals to a woman’s urge to create community and avoid conflict, and it puts things down that she can give the doctor something he or she would LIKE.
–the doctor’s implication is that if the woman does the above things, a fight with the husband will be inevitable. Therefore if the woman has a birth plan or takes Bradley classes, SHE is the cause of the strife between her husband and the doctor. And since the doctor paints himself or herself as not wanting a fight at all, the doctor is totally innocent. The woman will be the one setting off her husband on the poor doctor.
” while the wife’s in labor ”
Note how dehumanizing it is right here: while “the wife” is in labor, not while “you are” in labor. So the “you” in the sentence is able to start a fight, but when it comes to being in labor, it’s only a role to be filled.
“and I am trying to do my job.”
Note that the doctor is doing a “job” and the woman to whom this is said will have stopped the doctor from doing that job. Also note that the doctor is “trying,” which calls on the woman’s instinctive urge to root for the underdog.
Overall, this is quite cleverly constructed. But it loses points for being so utterly obvious. Most of us here immediately seized on the fact that the doctor presented himself or herself as at odds with wanting a good birth for the mom.
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Jenny Islander had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 11:53 am (Quote)
Yes, but I thought your job was to provide support and emergency backup while my labor process ran its course. What do you think your job is?
I know, I know . . . their job is to do the procedures and check the boxes regardless of what is actually happening in the labor process. And if the labor process doesn’t fit the checklist, it has to be forced into compliance.
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So you would rather my husband be uninformed and there for easily manipulated so I can be made to feel betrayed and abandoned by the one person in this world who I trust with protecting and loving me? Would YOU like to pay for the marriage counseling?!
Ugh! While we never took a class with our first, we DID have a birth plan and my husband fought tooth and nail to help me achieve what we had decided. When that went south he still fought tooth and nail to make sure that our wishes were followed in the neonatal care of our daughter. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if he had undermined me at every turn just because a dr who didn’t know me at all was able to “divide and conquer” my marriage.
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The nurses at my most recent delivery treated my husband like he was a big oaf standing in their way. My doctor was great, at least until the third stage, but the nurses tried to wedge between me and my husband constantly. Finally, I’m like, “He’s here to hold my hand, and that’s all I need right now, so YOU stay out of HIS way.” At least none of them talked to him, ignoring me, or tried to get him to talk me into anything. Well, one did, and he said, “Honey?” and I said, “No.” and he said, “She said no.” And kept saying it until that nurse left. I wonder if that’s why they thought he was in the way…
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My best friend is visiting and we’re reading these together. Her reaction to this was: “A million points to the father who caused the OB to say that!”
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Louisa Reply:
September 6th, 2011 at 5:30 pm (Quote)
Yes, this. I had my little girl 10 days ago (trfed HBAC attempt) and my husband jumped all over the OB when she stood at the foot of my bed, pulled the dead baby card and tried to bully me into a C/s. He told her to get out of the room, change her attitude, change her body language and then come back in and try to help us (he said we were both parents so she had to talk to both of us) and not to just bully me into submitting to her wishes. She didn’t like it very much. Long story short – still ended up with a C/s but it was my choice about 4 hours after this “conversation” took place.
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Jenny Islander Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 12:28 am (Quote)
My husband is a gentle giant of a man. After my first labor we had to transfer to the hospital because the placenta was either detached but stuck in my prematurely closed cervix (could interfere with normal post-birth processes) or still partly attached, so before anybody started pulling on it the midwife wanted me prepped for a quick transfusion. The nurse who met us treated us like a bunch of dirty backwoods hicks and wanted to plop my perfectly healthy baby into a little plastic box all alone “for observation,” not to mention poking at her while she was in the midst of her first nap in the outside world. She talked over and past us and ordered my husband, midwife, and assisting relatives to leave because they were “extraneous.” At that point my gentle DH grew about three sizes and sort of gathered the shadows around himself like a wizard going on the rampage. The nurse shut up.
The baby got to be held by relatives who agreed to sit in the room with the little plastic box in it because they had to sit somewhere. My DH got to stand by his needle-phobic wife while the IV went in. And my cervix woke up and remembered, hey, we were in the middle of a stage of labor, weren’t we? and let my fully detached placenta through.
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Carmen had this to say,
Sep 6, 2011 @ 6:33 pm (Quote)
This was my post…yes my OB was fired that day. I got a CPM and had a wonderful natural homebirth. My amazing daughter is now 2 months old 
In hindsight I’m glad my OB was sooo pinheaded because it sent me to the option of homebirth which, at the time, seemed a radical option to me. Now I would never want to have a baby any other way.
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When my husband and I were talking about having another child, I mentioned that I would like a home birth. He is against it because of clean-up after. (not that I blame him) So I suggested a birthing center, so I get comfort and don’t have to deal with jerks like I did with the first two. (third came so quick, no one had a chance to be a jerk to me) He pointed out that I would not be having the baby in a military hospital next time around, so he can actually tell the doctor or nurses off and not worry about getting in trouble for cussing out an officer. I love my husband sometimes. lol
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Add Your Comment.
Asked the hubby what he would do if a Doc said this to him at an appointment. His only question was “Am I allowed to the doc?”
Yes dear you may hit the doc for this.
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