This was my 7th birth, and I had experienced an overbearing nurse for my 6th. In the past, my births were fine, nurses actually caught because the doctors never would be at the bedside. It took a while for me to realize why I felt so terrible emotionally after my 6th. I realized that the previous nurse had a power trip, and denied many things I wanted to do to cope. I felt stupid for submitting to all the cervical checks, to not just getting up and walking to the bathroom instead of asking for permission, and for not just getting out of the bed. I should have switched nurses, should have sought out a different provider before hand. The worst was not that I was abused emotionally, and treated like a child. The worst was realizing I didn’t act like a woman, I submitted to be a “good patient.” I sought a CNM for my next birth, and she told me she’d be there at my bedside. She was. She watched me and figured out how best to serve me during birth. I still did allow my water to be broken because she asked me about it, and that disappointed me, but she asked. In all ways she was kind and compassionate. She respected my need to be out of the bed, and then to sit up during pushing, though we did need to recline a small bit to get my OP baby to come down in the last few pushes. She was right, my birth did help me heal from the feelings of shame and bitterness toward that nurse. I think birth is a time when memories are blazed in. Sure, much is actually forgotten, but those emotional memories stick a long time and very clearly. I had some anxiety when I would think of my 6th born’s birthday, and I even threw away a few of the photos of myself with the baby because I could see the emotion in my face. Though everything wasn’t the smoothest with my 7th born’s birthday, I was served and treated in a loving way by my midwife. There was nothing done inappropriately or out of spite, no comment made to hurry me up or put me in my place. She even apologized that she kept holding the monitor on my belly (for over an hour she did this) allowing me to stand up and rock while my baby had concerning little heart dips. She encouraged me and complimented me. She spoiled me. After the baby was born, she just faded away. I wasn’t anxious and feeling any guilt or trauma. I also could trust her because of how she talked with me at appointments. She knew what I wanted and needed, and assured me if she asked me to do something it was needed. I had informed discussions about what would happen ahead of time, and that made all the difference when I was in labor and easy to influence.