Jul 10

“So, You Were A Total Failure Then?”

“So, you were a total failure then?” -Primary care physician to mother who had a home birth transfer and cesarean at her first appointment after birthing.

190 people dislike these words.

There are 26 comments to this post.

Lisa in Texas had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 4:34 pm (Quote)

Wow. How fast can you say “you’re fired”??

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Heather P had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 4:36 pm (Quote)

Gasp! Errgh!

NO! Not a failure. A transfer is not a failure, it means that the birth needed to occur to a hospital for whatever reason. The safeguards the mother had in place worked.

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Jane had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 4:41 pm (Quote)

“No, not a total failure. I haven’t sunken to the point of telling other people they’re total failures, so I still have a ways to go. But thanks for asking!”

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Paige Corbett Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 5:33 am Paige Corbett(Quote)

Good One, JANE! I like it (no button)

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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 9:50 am Sarah Dorrance-Minch(Quote)

Rats, she beat me to it.

The sentiment is heartily seconded.

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beccaisadoula had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 5:15 pm (Quote)

Hey doc, I heard one of your patients died. So you were a total failure? Jerk…

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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 10:33 am The Deranged Housewife(Quote)

Best. comment. ever.

So true …!

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Cmat had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 5:36 pm (Quote)

Ugh! OP- since you posted this here.. I’m sure you already know that this doctor was full of crap! Because he totally is full of it. You aren’t a failure. A transfer just means that you had all your safeguards in place and that you and your midwife knew when it was time to switch to them. How is that failing?? Its not!

Congratulations on your baby!

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cheeks023 had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 5:43 pm (Quote)

CMAT said exactly what I was thinking. How is being aware enough to know when it’s time for extra help failing? To me that is exactly the opposite of failure. This is damn smart and really good midwifery care. OP FTW!!!!!!

I’m sorry the doc was just a big dumb jerk.

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Kate, Ren's Mom Reply:
July 10th, 2010 at 8:53 pm Kate, Ren's Mom(Quote)

Exactly! This is my biggest pet peeve about the hypocrisy of anti-homebirth people: on the one hand, hb is too dangerous because midwives (or birthing women) can’t tell if/when something bad is going to happen; on the other hand, if you transfer it’s a ‘failure.’ Sheesh, you can’t have it both ways…

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Lauren had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 5:48 pm (Quote)

This is vile!!!!!!!!!

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Robin had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 6:37 pm (Quote)

Since when did having babies become a win or lose sort of thing? Seriously, if you’re thinking about it in terms of that, you’ve gotta get a new job ‘cuz the only ones who are going to lose are the babies.

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Sheva had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 7:53 pm (Quote)

First the docs gripe and bellyache about how dangerous home birth is and about how crazy we are for doin it and putting ourselves and our babies in danger. Then, when an extremely courageous and dedicated mother goes to the hospital to do whatever needs to be done to keep her baby safe, doc calls her a failure. What an unconscionable, two faced jerk.
Mom, you did the right thing, and this doc doesn’t deserve your business.
I have so many names for this doc, I don’t know where to start.

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Ann S had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 8:17 pm (Quote)

Dear Doc, You are now my FORMER primary care physician, since you are a total failure in terms of understanding birth processes and in terms of people skills. Perhaps you should consider a different career, because you are NOT cut out for this. Coroner might work — your patients couldn’t feel insulted by any of your inane remarks.

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Stephanie had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 8:19 pm (Quote)

Real tactful, asshat.

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Dana had this to say, Jul 10, 2010 @ 8:45 pm (Quote)

This was me.

What the post above leaves out is the fact that I was crying when I told her about the section. This appointment was only a few weeks after I had delivered and I was still very much feeling like a failure. I think she meant the comment as sarcasm — and I’m a big fan of sarcasm, believe me, but it was entirely inappropriate in the situation.

She is no longer my doctor, but I didn’t fire her at this appointment. I kept her around for a few more months and let her do a few more stupid things before I got rid of her.

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Carolyn Hastie Reply:
July 10th, 2010 at 10:22 pm Carolyn Hastie(Quote)

So sorry Dana that this practitioner was like this when you needed a compassionate hearing. Have you given her that feedback? Hopefully she will have learned from that so other women won’t be subjected to the same rubbish. In Australia just now, a high profile woman has transferred in to hospital as labour was stalled and her move to the hospital has been trumped up in the media as failure, emergency dash… blah blah, instead of the sensible move it is when labour is not going to plan. The ignorant, idiots and power mongers are rife and centre stage at the moment. The point is, you did what was right for your situation at the time, as did the woman here in Australia. End of that aspect of the story. Welcome to your baby and congratulations on the birth of your baby is the beginning of the rest of the story. Well done. All birthing women are amazing, however the birth itself goes. Labour is as labour does. There are only winners.

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Evelyn Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 12:00 am Evelyn(Quote)

You poor thing

Good on you for firing her, what a horrible thing to say to any mother *hugs*

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Jane Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 4:05 am Jane(Quote)

I’m so sorry. People who enjoy seeing other people in pain shouldn’t go into medicine.

I’m all for sarcasm too, but there’s a time and a place for it.

BTW, if she’d said, “So, you’re saying you feel as if you were a total failure?” that would have been a wonderful thing for the doctor to say because it would ratify your feelings and then you could talk about what really a makes a mother successful: considering all options, choosing the best one, RECONSIDERING when circumstances require it, and doing what is best for her baby even if it’s not what she originally decided.

Thinking of what others truly need is NOT and never will be a failure.

You didn’t fail. **hugs** Your former doctor, on the other hand…

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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 9:55 am Sarah Dorrance-Minch(Quote)

It looks like your former “care” provider enjoys being a bully, since she obviously shows she understands the impact of her words. (Even I wouldn’t use that kind of sarcasm if someone started to cry about the experience in front of me. I don’t have much empathy, but I have a grasp of cause and effect. Pretty basic stuff.) I wonder what her personal life is like when she comes home from work.

Total failure, I’ll bet.

You, OTOH, are not a total failure. You’re a victim of bad luck. That’s not you failing; that’s luck failing you.

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Momof4 Reply:
July 11th, 2010 at 12:02 pm Momof4(Quote)

I am so proud of you for knowing when it was time to move on both in your delivery and away from this doctor. You in no way failed!! You did an amazing job of calling YOUR OWN shots during YOUR delivery process…GOOD FOR YOU!!!

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Keri had this to say, Jul 11, 2010 @ 12:21 pm (Quote)

Ugh, that is so sad. I’m sorry you had to hear that insensitive comment. It actually reminded me of something my OB said at my follow-up appointment after my c-section. My son was breech and we were going to do a manual version at 36 weeks but I canceled it because I got scared and because I still had hope my baby would turn using other means. I ended up with HELLP at 37 weeks and needed an emergency c-section.

When I saw my OB, who didn’t do the delivery, he said “I was disappointed when you canceled. I thought you wanted a vaginal birth.” It was such a kick in the gut, yet another nagging thought that maybe I could have avoided my situation. Even though I don’t think I could have had a vaginal birth with the HELLP even if my son was head down, it still bugs me that he said that.

I feel like my body failed me with my son’s birth. It’s a hangup I have to get over. But I can’t imagine what I would do if someone actually said that to me.

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