Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Jun
18
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…Why Don’t We Go Ahead And Schedule A Tubal Right Now…Honey…”
“So, you have three children already? Three? Why don’t we go ahead and schedule a tubal right now, honey? I mean, you DO know how this happens, don’t you?” -OB to mother at prenatal for fourth pregnancy.
There are 81 comments to this post.
I am perpetually amazed how many ‘civilized’ nations are doing their level best to not-breed themselves right into cultural extinction! How ironic that this push is being sustained by the medical profession that relies on babies for their livelihood.
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Beccaisadoula had this to say,
Jun 18, 2010 @ 4:59 am (Quote)
Thoughtful Thursdays followed by Foolish Friday. I had a pre-op nurse getting me ready for my son’s birth, “You have one of each now, we’re doing a tubal today?” My husband and I both jumped and said, “NO!”
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Heather Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:51 am (Quote)
You were nicer than I’d have been, because it would have been, “No! What the f*** is wrong with you? I’m leaving.” (not to mention, why the heck should MY body have to be altered to stop having kids?! Of course, just getting pregnant is so hard for me, I’d have probably launched into a 30-minute rant about that, too)
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 1:50 pm (Quote)
OMG! I’d have been terrified to go into surgery after that!
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“No, Sugar, I have NO IDEA how this happens! Would you just be a sweetie and sit right here and tell me all about how babies are made?”
(That would be rude. I know that would be rude. The best thing to do would be to issue a very cold “ExCUSE me?” and then glare at the doctor until s/he either repeated himself/herself (and you get up and leave) or else the doctor apologizes for overstepping every known boundary of human behavior.)
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Robyn Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 6:52 am (Quote)
Maybe rude, but completely deserved. A comment like the OB made deserves an equally rude response. I agree with Bill Engvall; stupid people should be forced to wear a sign.
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Jane Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:01 am (Quote)
Meeting rudeness with rudeness never works. I think reacting to offensive comments by being offended brings the point across better than reacting to offensive comments by becoming offensive ourselves.
Otherwise there’s going to be an OB sister site to this one, “My Patient Said WHAT?” where an OB posts, “I suggested to a woman pregnant with her fourth baby that she might want to consider tying her tubes, and she called me sweetie-sugar and said that *clearly* she needed to be educated about how babies are made, since she kept getting pregnant and didn’t know how.”
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:19 am (Quote)
Awwww. Poor thing. Did ums get his obstetric-expert feelings hurt?
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Jane Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:30 am (Quote)
Someone who would know why he’d been treated rudely would have had the good grace not to say that in the first place. He might have said, “Have you ever considered a permanent method of birth control?” but not “So why don’t WE go ahead and schedule a tubal now, honey?”
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:40 am (Quote)
Precisely.
Which is why I’d be more likely to make use of a snappy, rude comeback (if I wasn’t rendered speechless with shock) than to do the ice cold stare and the “Excuse me?” line.
I don’t think any doctor stupid/patronizing/old fashioned enough to imply that I was pregnant for a fourth time due to ignorance, and call me “honey” while he said so, would even pick up on an ice cold stare and an “excuse me.” A verbal bazooka might at least get the point across.
It might also alienate the doctor, but so what? I wouldn’t be seeing that doctor ever again, anyway.
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Heather Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:56 am (Quote)
Or maybe he could mind his own business (which is NOT the family size of the patient no matter what he might think) and wait for the patient to ASK if she’s interested. After all, she IS aware that that’s an option, I can guarantee.
And of course, we’re all assuming this is a male OB, how sexist of us. Honestly, before everyone started saying “he”, I thought it was a female OB. “Honey” Sounds more of a southern feminine affectation. The kind dropped thoughtlessly in the south with no disrespect intended.
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Jane Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:00 am (Quote)
But the addition of “You do know how this happens, don’t you?” isn’t the kind of thing any southern woman would drop into conversation unless she intended to belittle the hearer.
I had a male OB in New England refer to me as “Darlin’” while brushing off my question about why I kept passing out when I stood up suddenly. “You’re pregnant, darlin’!” Thanks, doctor–but what can I do to stop passing out when I stand up?
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Heather Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:15 am (Quote)
Oh, most certainly! I was just saying with the “honey” thing. The “You do know how this happens” always makes me want to slap the idiot asking. Or offer to explain to them. “Well, first, I have to get a basal body temperature thermometer and start charting my cycles. Then…”
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 1:54 pm (Quote)
Hate to tell you, Sarah, but you’re wrong. I live in Texas, have 7 kids, and PLENTY of women ask me jokingly if I know how that happens. They think they’re clever and that I’ll laugh. Which I might, if I hadn’t already heard it fifty-thousand times by the time my fourth was born.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Quote)
I will try to be better at watching my pronouns.
I stand by everything else I’ve said – except maybe the “bozo” comment. Maybe “bimbo,” if the OB/GYN was in fact female? I think “bozo” usually implies a male dimwit.
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 6:45 pm (Quote)
Ooops, Sarah, I was actually intending to reply to Jane, I just said the wrong name! Sorry!
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Karen Reply:
June 19th, 2010 at 8:54 am (Quote)
I just had my ninth baby ( a week ago yesterday) and we get the “clever” comment, “Do you know what causes that?” all.the.time. People somehow think they are funny or original. ?? Dh and I have taken to saying, “Of course, we do and we’re rrrrreally good at it!!!
That response usually shocks people into silence. For some reason it is ok for THEM to talk/question/criticize/mock our reproductive/sex life but if we mention it is shocking. 
oh, for the record, my OB never mentioned my parity and when I was in the hospital I was asked if we were tying my tubes as part of the intake-they ask *everyone* and it was never mentioned again.
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 1:56 pm (Quote)
Jane, in the past my husband has taken a similar tact. Someone asked if we knew how that happens, so he started explaining it to him. In detail. In church. Of course, he can pull that kind of thing off without upsetting people. 
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So many rude assumptions! Maybe she wants 6. Maybe she feels it is her husband’s turn, and they would rather do a vasectomy which is a much less invasive procedure. Maybe she would rather focus on this baby and enjoy sex without birth control for the duration of the pregnancy. Sheez!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:18 am (Quote)
Vasectomies are also cheaper and slightly more effective after the subject has ejaculated sperm a few times (pregnancy rate of .001% rather than .005%, not that either of those figures represents a large number of accidental pregnancies).
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Aunt4God Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 9:55 am (Quote)
Funny thing is, my parent’s best friends had both procedures done (tubal and vasectomy) and about a year or so later found out they were expecting their fourth child! Try that one on for odds….kinda jaw dropping to me!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:29 am (Quote)
THAT is why I am getting my tubes tied AND my husband is getting vasectomized this year, after Catharine is born.
We use birth control.
Our methods haven’t controlled my births.
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Anonymous Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 3:54 pm (Quote)
Sarah, the failure rate for tubals is actually just shy of 2% (yes, that’s about 1 in 50), and the failure rate does not decrease with time. Tubals fail without warning; there’s no easy and cheap way to check if the surgery is still “working”. Tubals are more likely to fail in young women or when the tubal is done at the same time as a C/S.
Mine failed, even though it was done as a stand-alone surgery and I am not young. I had an abortion. My SO will be having a vasectomy, which is what we should have done in the first place.
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Oh my goodness Doctor, PLEASE use your expertise and god-like abilities to explain to me how babies are made. Jane- yes, rude.. but satisfying, YES!
I really don’t like this comment because yeah, she may be on kiddo number four but you have no idea what the journey to get those four kids might have been. You never know what their personal opinions are on how many children they want. The list just goes on and on. Just because the Doc may think no one in the world would want a fifth child doesn’t mean that their patient wouldn’t think that pregnancy and child is a complete blessing. So in short.. shove it, Doc!
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elizabeth had this to say,
Jun 18, 2010 @ 6:38 am (Quote)
Becca- that too. Why does one of each sex equal “perfect family”? We have 3 girls and people keep asking us if we are going to try for our boy. No, we are going to try for a fourth child. Who says it has to be a boy? I would just like a large family. Which, by the way, nobody has any right to tell me when to stop, especially since their tax dollars aren’t paying for them, including the doctor. If there was no medical reason to stop having children, then it’s not the OB’s place to make a peep about it.
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Doctors should know better than to say things like this to a hormonal pregnant woman. LOL I don’t know if I would cry or go on a rampage and kick him in the shins if he said this to me. You DO know that SOME people LIKE children, DON’T you DOCTOR?
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Susan Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 6:52 am (Quote)
Agreed. I’d be livid if this comment were made to me.
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Heather Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:59 am (Quote)
Me, too. I’m already furious and I’m neither pregnant nor the OP. I’ve seldom been as angry as I am at anything that assumes or implies that children are unwanted or that anyone other than the family has any right to decide on the family’s size.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch had this to say,
Jun 18, 2010 @ 7:14 am (Quote)
I did in fact plan on getting myself sterilized after this fourth child – this pregnancy and the last both occurred despite multiple, simultanous forms of less permanent birth control; my husband’s going to get sterilized on our tax refund this year, I figure if both of us are spayed, we should be covered. With our track record, it’s the only way to be sure.
So I have a little in common with the OP, I guess.
However.
1) The subject of sterilization is for ME to bring up first, not the doctor. My body, my choice. Heck, I may not have much respect for Octomom and the Duggars, but I will defend to the death their right to breed if that’s what they choose to do. It’s ultimately none of my business how many children a family does or does not have.
2) This ESPECIALLY applies if I am a Medicaid patient. (And I’ve been on Medicaid for more than one of my pregnancies, and was treated like your stereotypical idiot teenaged crack mom, simply because I was on Medicaid, including getting pressured in the office to be sterilized.) I don’t have any problem with birth control initiatives, up to and including bribes (such as cash payments) to go for permanent sterilization, but making something available does not mean that the doctor or anyone else has the right to aggressively sell the package. It is for the mother to decide. On her own. Even if she is a welfare mother. Most welfare mothers, like any other mothers, know when they are ready to be sterilized, if that is what they want, and if they’re interested, tend to bring it up at the earliest possible moment. Just like any other form of birth control.
3) Hmm. Can’t help but notice that tubal ligations cost three to four times more than vasectomies. Is that why you’re not even mentioning vasectomy as another sterilization option?
4) And last but not least, you do NOT get to call me “honey.” Unless I get to call you “sweetiepie.” Or something else endearing, like “bozo.”
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Jane Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:32 am (Quote)
The OB wouldn’t perform the vasectomy. That’s a urologist’s job, so the OB may not be allowed to mention it because of liability, since that’s not his specialty.
I know, that’s DUMB. But if he says, “You may want to consider a vasectomy” and for some reason her husband isn’t able to have one, a lawyer might be able to find a lawsuit somewhere in that medical suggestion. :-b
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:41 am (Quote)
I wonder if there’s a site similar to this one that, instead of highlighting medical professionals swallowing their feet, focuses on idiotic and frivolous lawsuits? Now that would be fun to read.
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Jane Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:01 am (Quote)
It would be fun to read until the moment you realized how many of those stupid suits got settled out of court or got a judgment in their favor, and all the rest of us pay for it with extra monitoring and higher payments at the doctor’s office.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:31 am (Quote)
True.
I wasn’t even limiting myself to frivolous medical malpractice suits – I was thinking about other stupid stuff, like the woman who sued McDonald’s because her hot coffee, which came in a covered cup that said “Caution: HOT” on it, did not carry an additional warning to the effect of “Hot coffee might burn you if spilled or sipped while hot.”
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 2:31 pm (Quote)
There are a lot of stupid, frivolous lawsuits out there. However, the McDonald’s hot coffee lawsuit wasn’t as crazy as it sounded. I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t offer any legal perspective, but I can understand why Stella Liebeck (the woman who was burned) sued:
1. The coffee wasn’t just hot, it was hot enough to cause *third degree* burns over 6% of 79 year old Liebeck’s body, including genital areas. A third degree burn completely destroys the skin and damages the underlying tissue, damages nerves, and causes scarring, charring, and hair and keratin loss. (One site I read referenced her injury as “full thickness burns,” which would actually be *fourth degree* burns.) She also had lesser burns over 16% of her body. After she was burned, Liebeck was hospitalized for eight days, including having skin grafts to repair the damage, and continued to require medical treatment for two years.
2. At the time (I don’t know about today), McDonald’s admitted to heating their coffee to between 180 and 190 degrees (F), which is 40-55 degrees hotter than most coffee at home, and significantly hotter than most other restaurants serve coffee. They said they did this for the “taste,” but admitted that they had done nothing to evaluate whether such hot coffee was safe.
3. More than 700 people had already brought, or attempted to bring, claims against McDonald’s after being burned by coffee in the ten years prior to this case, including others who had suffered third degree burns like Liebeck. McDonald’s was fully aware of the risks involved in keeping their coffee so hot.
4. In fact, a McDonald’s quality assurance manager testified that company policy required coffee to be held at 185 degrees (+/- 5 degrees), that any food served at hotter than 140 degrees was a burn hazard, and that the coffee was not fit for consumption at that temperature as it would burn the mouth and throat, but that they had no intention of changing their policy.
5. An expert for the plaintiff testified that liquids at 180 degrees cause “full thickness burns” on human skin in 2 to 7 seconds, but would not have done so at 155 degrees (still hotter than coffee at home).
6. Furthermore, McDonald’s own marketing research revealed that most of their customers intended to drink their coffee in the car, increasing the risk involved in keeping the coffee so hot. (BTW, some people think Liebeck was driving when she spilled the coffee. She was actually in the passenger seat, and her grandson had stopped the car to let her mix sugar and cream into her coffee. The coffee spilled while she was attempting to remove the lid.)
7. Liebeck tried to settle out of court for $20,000 to cover her medical expenses, but McDonald’s refused.
8. The outrageous $2.7 million in punitive damages that we all heard about were apparently based on the approximate revenues that McDonald’s takes in selling coffee in two days. The judge reduced the total award to $640,000, but after an appeal the parties settled out of court for an unknown amount.
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The Deranged Housewife had this to say,
Jun 18, 2010 @ 7:28 am (Quote)
How disgusting. Apparently because two is enough for some people, it should be for you, too. And three puts you over the edge of sanity. But four?
This comment sooo pisses me off. What is it with people trying to take control of someone else’s fertility?!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 7:50 am (Quote)
Actually, having three and four children has become more common in the past few years… for middle class families and above. It’s a sign of affluence. Almost a status symbol, like being able to build a custom home in the suburbs, having two SUVs to schlep the kids around in while still letting the primary wage earner commute in comfort, and having a posh garage with real flooring and walls and a little alcove with a dedicated dog-washing station.
The baby boomlet stopped when our real estate bubble burst and we had our little financial meltdown. Funny thing, that. But it only stopped for families who felt insecure in the new recession – a large number of families, but there are still families who are pursuing their dream of having lots of kids. _Parents_ magazine (I think it was that one, maybe it was _American Baby_ or _Baby Talk_) had an online survey asking respondants to list their ideal family size, actual family size, and what would limit their family size, and a majority wanted three or more children if cost were not an issue, but were limiting family size due to economic considerations.
Pressure to sterilize tends to focus on people who are obviously working class or poor, who rely on Medicaid or clinic care during their pregnancies or otherwise show obvious signs of being strapped.
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Heather Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:02 am (Quote)
Also the natural parenting movement has put a lot more families in the mindset of being able to care for more children, it’s not just “soccer moms” or anyone who would go NEAR an SUV.
It bugs me that people think that medicaid is just for “welfare moms.” It’s also for those of us who are disabled.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:41 am (Quote)
Medicaid is a form of welfare – it’s administered by the same agency that doles out food stamps and TANF.
I’ve been on all three at various points before my husband got his degree, and a salaried job. My master’s in English isn’t good for squat, I guess. Currently I am on pregnancy-package Medicaid (only covers pregnancy and birth related expenses; it’s how I’ll pay to get my tubes tied, and it’s the only reason I signed myself up, because I prepaid a direct entry midwife for all other things related to this pregnancy and birth, although it’s nice to know I can go to a hospital in the very unlikely event of a birth-related emergency and not bankrupt the family by doing so). My daughters are on full Medicaid. My husband gets very good insurance through his employer (the local government), but we can’t afford it at this present time.
I personally do not see a problem with welfare. To me it’s like insurance, only because the pool is huge (all taxpayers) rather than small (the limited number of people who buy into the plan), the premiums are a lot smaller. Most of us will never need to use it, just like most of us will never need to use catastrophic medical insurance, fire insurance, long term disability, etc. It’s good to know it’s there, though. And some people use it who don’t pay into the system, but they’re a minority. Practically everybody I’ve known who used food stamps and Medicaid worked at the time they used it, just like I did (and like my husband does).
I think the stigma attached to using public assistance is ridiculous. Then again, my cultural values are probably different from the values of those who, for example, pressure Medicaid mothers to get sterilized.
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Becky Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 8:25 am (Quote)
“Actually, having three and four children has become more common in the past few years… for middle class families and above. It’s a sign of affluence.”
That comment made me laugh, Sarah. I am the oldest of 4, and we were not affluent–not poor either. But, we didn’t have a garage, we shared bedrooms (3 for all 6 people in the family), etc. We did have a happy childhood though, and I always knew that my parents loved us and still do.
I hope to have 4-5 kids some day, and we won’t be very affluent either, on a teacher’s salary. Hopefully no doctor ever says this to me!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:43 am (Quote)
Just reporting what I see in newspaper articles and similar mainstream media. Also demographics I couldn’t help but notice when I was active on the MomsLikeMe message board.
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Kezley Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:10 am (Quote)
Umm, Sarah you probably should be a little more careful with your comments. I may want 4 or 5 kids, but I would never ever use that as a status symbol. We may be somewhat ‘affluent’ but, we would certainly never use that to promote the appearance of “affluence”. I buy second hand clothes for my children, and we have modest vehicles and live in a modest countryside house.
Either way, this comment from the OB is infuriating, and the subject sterilization should be brought up by the patient, not the doctor. Family size should be left up to the family and the family ONLY.
On the flip side, as an American taxpayer, i do believe there should be some sort of control for the 25 year old mother of 7 kids who has a part time job and lives off of government assistance. I know this woman, and 3 of her young children are wards of the state. I think she should’ve gotten her tubes tied, after, lets see… the first child!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:45 am (Quote)
See above comments in this field (I just added a couple of new replies). I believe they make my own opinions and observations on the subject clear enough. Also my own income bracket, if that’s important to anyone (I don’t think it should be, but as stated before, my values are not everyone’s values).
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CCindy Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am (Quote)
Dog washing station! I need a dog washing station!
You might have also noticed that second marriages result in additional children.
Having my kids spaced out I’ve never had to deal with the “you must be overwhelmed ~ why don’t we “fix” that for you” situation.
I don’t mind if a doctor says, “If you are interested we can talk about tubal or I can give you the number for a urologist.” But keep in mind it is my choice.
Heck with my basically transverse baby the doctor still phrased it as my choice. He darn well better remember his place as a paid consultant when it comes to family size.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:50 am (Quote)
Good point about the blended families and the additional offspring that also follow a remarriage. Since I married later in life and, having married my soulmate after having sowed all my wild oats rather than before, can’t imagine wanting to remarry even if I were (G-d forbid) widowed, it didn’t occur to me to account for the remarriages of other people – and remarriages are statistically extremely common. I apologize for my self absorption. It’s one of my more annoying traits.
I could use a dog washing station, myself – for the kids. If we ever move the double wide to land of our own so that we have enough room to build an addition, we will difinitely have to remember to put a dog-washing station in the new mudroom. 
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Cmat Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 11:20 am (Quote)
I’ll take the dog wash station too! For kids AND my husband.. they track so much stuff in. I’d love to just hose them off before they walk in at all.
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Sheva Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 12:08 pm (Quote)
The picture in my head is hysterical! Thanks for the idea! I’m thinking a sprinkler system activated by opening the door, with me holding the only ‘de-activate’ button when I come in.
For the summer beach season, this is great!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 3:08 pm (Quote)
It might even double well as hydrotherapy during a homebirth – what better place to park an Intex fishy pool than in the mudroom, near a spraying station? That might help with the cleanup, too! – but of course, by then we’ll both be spayed. Oh, well.
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I am a mother of six. Five are with me here, one is deceased, as I’ve mentioned. When we got married, we talked about having at least 4 kids, we both wanted to have a “big family.” When #4 was a baby, just the thought of never having any more made me feel incredibly sad, I *knew* there were more kids waiting to join our family. I didn’t know then the tragedy in store for us, but even if I had, I still wouldn’t have wanted to stop. Yes, losing that child hurt, but the birth of our youngest and her presence in our lives is indescribably wonderful, made more so against the backdrop of having buried a much-loved very wanted child.
Sure, some days I feel stressed, tired, overwhelmed. Yes, we have to watch our spending to keep hubby working and me home with the kids, as we planned when we got married.
After my first was born, the OB tried to get me to take The Pill, even though it is not approved/proven safe for breastfeeding. He knew I was breastfeeding, and lied that it was safe. I had no desire or intention to take it, but I opened the pack to read the insert. It said: “DO NOT TAKE THIS PRODUCT WHILE BREASTFEEDING!” and this warning was the largest typeface among all the microscopic fine print.
When this same…person heard I had given birth to a healthy girl, he commented (to a relative) “Oh good they have their boy and their girl now they can stop.”
The relative rightly replied that our family planning was our business, not hers, and he actually encouraged that relative to meddle and tell us to not have more. She wisely decided that was not the time to inform him we were happily expecting #3 already, and had no plans to stop permanently at 3.
My kids wear lots of secondhand clothes. They do not feel “deprived” on the contrary they get lots of nice things from friends/relatives. They wear hand made clothes that their talented grandma sews. They have used bikes that work perfectly well, and if we buy video games, we usually get one out of the pre-played bin at a game shop. We recycle and compost, and do many things to make a more positive impact in the place we live.
So even from an “environmental” point of view I would venture a guess that our family living in a modest 2-story and driving the same little minivan a couple times a week has less impact than the stereotypical 2-kid family across town driving a “Hummer” to 500 activities every evening, living in a 5-bedroom McMansion and generally having a consumerist/wasteful/entitled lifestyle. My kids know that it’s part of their job to take care of the earth, not use it up and trash it, so I hope one day they will raise their family to be responsible, contributing members of society.
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Cmat Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:28 am (Quote)
I could have written the last two paragraphs of your post as my own! lol We only have one child but catch a lot of crap for how we choose to live because we’re very thrifty, we recyle, compost, garden, cloth diaper(catch a LOT of grief for that one) etc. What people don’t realize is that we might not have the McMansion, but we’re happy and our kids are happy. Just because THEY don’t think another child would fit into the equation doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t in reality.
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 11:00 am (Quote)
Again, see my above comments.
I should also probably have hammered in a little harder that while many families are opting to have more children, for whatever reason, the only mothers being PRESSURED to get sterilized (or given hostile looks when grocery shopping with their children, etc) are the ones who are poor, or perceived to be poor.
There’s a double standard, in other words.
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I’m not the original poster, but I had this happen to me when I had to have an emergency d&c two weeks after the birth. “While I’m in there…” I took the demure wife who is subservient to her husband approach to get him off my back, “I’d have to ask him, but my husband was planning on getting a vasectomy.” “Oh.”
Asshole!
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Sarah Dorrance-Minch Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 10:58 am (Quote)
That sort of comment MIGHT be excusable in a country like Brazil, where one reason the c-section rate in private hospitals is astronomically high is that for the longest time, birth control was illegal or at least almost impossible to obtain (for all I know, still is) and the easiest way to get said birth control was to be opportunistic while some surgeon had you opened up on the operating table, where a tubal ligation or hysterectomy could be done discreetly with no official the wiser.
That sort of reasoning does not apply in the United States, or in most other countries for that matter.
What a horrible thing for the doctor to say.
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I have had FAMILY say similar to me, starting after baby number 2. (I am pregnant with number 5 now).
After each one, it is always, “So this is it, right? You’re going to get fixed? Right?”
Ummm… no. Sorry. WHEN we decide to quit expanding our family, my HUSBAND will be the one getting “fixed”.
We actually have a friend who has had her tubes ties several times. After her first, she had them tied and then got pregnant a year later. After number 2, she had them tied again, and 4 years later had another. After the last, she had them done AGAIN, and so far so good.
I am so sorry to the OP, that someone could be so callous to her.
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Cmat Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 1:38 pm (Quote)
Do they have kids? After every kid they have ask “So when is the next one due??” maybe they’ll get the hint.
The idea of a tubal kind of scares me because a lady I worked with had a tubal done after the birth of her youngest (she’s in her 60′s now) and she’s had nothing but issues. I guess one wasn’t done completely correctly or something and it causes a lot of pain for her at times. Ouch!
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Birth Unplugged had this to say,
Jun 18, 2010 @ 12:56 pm (Quote)
This really bothers me. We plan on having a large family (haven’t decided how many we want yet) because that is what we want. I feel that is our choice and I feel other people are entitled to make the same decision, whatever their reasons. I am bothered by any woman getting pressure from *anyone* about limiting her family size. Teaching her about her options is one thing, but implying that having more children is the wrong decision or insulting her intelligence by insinuating that she doesn’t understand birth control is something else entirely.
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How rude of him. Like everyone said, it is not his business and there are much better ways of saying it than assuming and being patronizing.
I was asked during prep for my CBAC if I wanted them to do a tubal while they were ding the cesarean and I said, “I don’t know.” (I had said to dh during pregnancy I would if we had a CBAC, but wasn’t in a place to make that choice when I found out I was having another c/s) Their response, “Well then we shouldn’t do it then”
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Michelle Potter Reply:
June 18th, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Quote)
I *wish* the doctor had been willing to do a tubal when I had my youngest by unplanned c-section. We had actually planned to stop with our 6th, and number 7 was a surprise. (A happy surprise, of course!) Dh and I had decided that if I gave birth vaginally, he’d have a vasectomy. If I had a c-section, I’d get a tubal. But when we brought it up to the doctor who did the surgery, he said he couldn’t because we hadn’t given enough notice. I do understand that they’re concerned about making such an important decision at the last minute, but it was also frustrating since we’d actually been planning it for 19 months.
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My husband went in to see the nurse practitioner about a referral for a vasectomy, and she tried to sell him on talking ME into getting Essure instead! I was shocked — I wasn’t present at this doctor visit, yet she felt comfortable making recommendations for MY health because she thought his reasoning (we chose vasectomy because it was less invasive) wasn’t good enough! Not to mention that when I called her, livid, she told me vasectomies were don’t with anesthesia, so the Essure was less invasive, as it doesn’t involved anesthesia. Um, most vasectomies are performed with anestheTIC, not anesthesia, and the Essure is a horrible-looking procedure.
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Anonymous Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 4:46 am (Quote)
Morgan, not only is that outrageous, the NP was incorrect: Essure is also done with local (cervical) anesthetic.
I’d write a letter of complaint to the NP’s supervisor. She obviously needs to review information on permanent methods of BC before attempting to counsel any more patients.
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Morgan Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 6:23 am (Quote)
Oh, I did more than write. I called her supervisor and let her know exactly what my problem was. The supervisor made the NP call me back and apologize and attempt to explain herself, at which point I made it clear that I knew a hell of a lot more about both procedures than she did. She told my husband that Essure involved inserting a plug — I asked if she was aware that the plug was formed by inserting two two-inch metal coils that irritated your fallopian tubes until the caused scar tissue. “Yes, it forms a plug,” she said. *headdesk*
I also chewed her out over telling someone that something was “less invasive” simply because it didn’t involved the tiny 2cm cut involved in a vasectomy. If you’re inserting something up my vagina, cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes, it’s invasive.
Not only that, I made sure both the NP and her supervisor knew how unethical the whole thing was. I do plan to also write a letter, in hopes that it will be included in her file.
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I submitted this one — I was in the prenatal appointment with my sis-in-law (holding the baby and keeping the toddler entertained… *grins*) when her female OB said this to her. She switched to a midwife who doesn’t try to make other people’s family planning decisions for them.
This OB seemed to assume that ANYONE under 30 with more than 2 kids HAS to be ignorant, and probably was a teen mom, and may be on welfare, because everyone knows that kids are just AWFUL and you should only have the minimum number possible to ensure the survival of the species. Right? I mean right?
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Alexandria had this to say,
Jun 21, 2010 @ 6:44 am (Quote)
My husband went in to see the nurse practitioner about a referral for a vasectomy, and she tried to sell him on talking ME into getting Essure instead! I was shocked — I wasn’t present at this doctor visit, yet she felt comfortable making recommendations for MY health because she thought his reasoning (we chose vasectomy because it was less invasive) wasn’t good enough! Not to mention that when I called her, livid, she told me vasectomies were don’t with anesthesia, so the Essure was less invasive, as it doesn’t involved anesthesia. Um, most vasectomies are performed with anestheTIC, not anesthesia, and the Essure is a horrible-looking procedure.
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I’d just be all aghast and like, but there are side effects of that surgery! I hear many women reporting instances of sterility afterwards!
or maybe…ok, doc. how about in 2020 after my 8th kid is born? I think we’ll be done then. maybe.
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And what gives you the right to control how many kids I have? I thought that sat squarely with me and my husband. Perhaps you could talk to two of my distant cousins and try to tell them which ones of their 13 kids each that they should give back?
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