Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
Apr
10
Posted by My OB said WHAT?!?.
“…I Hope This Taught You To Stop Playing Around With Boys.”
“Well, I hope this taught you to stop playing around with boys.” -OB to 19 year old widow in labor with first child. The baby’s father died three months before she was born.
There are 46 comments to this post.
Wow, way to ASSume situation–I sure as heck hope that he was made painfully aware of what a jerk this made him. Not that it particularly matters–that’s just not the kind of joke you should make unless you’re friends, anyway. Ugh.
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Jane Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 4:36 am (Quote)
It’s just the whole paternalistic aspect of it. (Or matriarchal aspect.) The doctor steps in as the surrogate parent to the misbehaving child, tells her in effect that she’s been BAD and is being punished by having this baby, and she needs to learn not to do it again.
As opposed to the doctor’s actual job: attend the delivery to provide surgical assistance if necessary.
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Wendy Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 6:48 am (Quote)
Jane, your post reminds me of that wonderful scene in the movie when Juno is getting her ultrasound. For those who haven’t seen it, the lady performing the U/S makes some comment about how Juno made the right decision as a teen mom giving her baby up for adoption. Juno’s step-mom responds by asking what the lady what she does for a living. “I’m an ultrasound tech,” she says. “And I’m a nail tech,” says Juno’s mom. “Let’s both just stick to what we know best, shall we?”
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Laura Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 7:31 am (Quote)
Jane, the baby-as-punishment attitude in general in our society pisses me off too. Even IF this young woman HAD been “playing around with boys” (ugh), insinuating that the whole process of being pregnant and giving birth to a baby is in and of itself a punishment… Yuck. There’s got to be a better way to encourage young women to avoid pregnancy without talking about it like it’s a disease and children are a punishment.
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wow, way to infantilise the poor woman. Is she not an adult fully capable of making her own decisions, including those that involve reproductions? This health worker was just chastising her like a child who’d done something wrong and suffered for it
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Yeah, this is another one that falls into the category of “Dear Doctor, Read the chart. Love, Everyone.” Maybe we should just shorthand it? DDRTCLE?
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MilkChocolateMidwife had this to say,
Apr 10, 2010 @ 8:04 am (Quote)
What a disgusting, judgemental thing to say! This young woman was 19, which by law makes her an ADULT. Yes, she was young but how dare anyone assume that the pregnancy wasn’t a planned one? I’ve heard docs and nurses make some of the rudest comments to young women and girls in labor. Why is type of thing not covered in ethics classes and sensitivity trainings??? Aarrrgggh!
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Lots of thoughts and responses are floating around in my head upon reading this, but foremost is, what a HORRIBLE thing to say. No one should say anything like this to the mom unless they know all the circumstances, and definitely not while she’s in labor!
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I think this has a simple solution..
Engage brain before opening mouth.
I like the “RTFC” comment too. That woman (because yes, she is a woman at 19. She’s an adult!) has already endured enough. She really didn’t need your comments. That baby isn’t punishment, that baby is a blessing and will remind that mommy of his or her Daddy for the rest of its life. I don’t know about everyone else, but I see that as a blessing in that situation because that memory gets the best chance to live on.. especially after knowing someone who has been through that.
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Some docs have no business caring for young women. I was physically assaulted by an ob/gyn when I was 16 during an exam (to r/o ovarian cysts). My mother spoke to the female gyn in the practice (who was my doctor or record) and was told, “Oh, sorry. He doesn’t relate well to our younger patients.” Later find out he was cruel to a friend of mine in the same situation (basic gyn problem). The female gyn was no gem (proved to me early on that possessing a uterus does not guarantee compassion) so we switched to an amazing OB-gyn who took great care of me, with respect and compassion, regardless of my age or sexual activity/inactivity.
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Sheva Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 6:58 pm (Quote)
I’m sorry you were treated that way!
“Doesn’t relate well to younger patients” is not a valid excuse for assault!! Actually, I just re-read that, and, um, NOTHING is a valid excuse for assault!
And, hello? if she knew that, they shouldn’t have been booking a teenager’s appointments with him!
Just, ugh.
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Well, you can take another direction with this, too. What if she had been a rape victim? Or incest? Or if the death of the father *was* a good thing for her, as would be the case with sister-in-law (had her baby at 20) who is continually verbally and emotionally abused by her child’s father.
In all those cases, the OB would have been a total ass, too.
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Whoever submitted this- I am so sorry that you were treated so horribly. I hope that you sue, not because I want them to pay out the nose (although I think you would have a good case). But because NO medical professional should be allowed to ABUSE a woman like this EVER. You didn’t deserve to be treated like this.
I gave birth to my fourth child while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. I had to give birth alone. He wasn’t dead, but I understand what it is like to be without the person you love the most at the moment when you NEED them the most.
May the memory of your husband be eternal!
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Hi, I’m the one who submitted this.
I’m so glad to read that other women think this was outrageous; some people that I told about it just brushed it off, as though it was no big deal.
The OB who said it was just a resident passing through as I was laboring; he was young and one of those guys that you can tell thinks a great deal of himself.
That baby is almost nine years old now. She is my joy! When she was two, I remarried and now have four more children. She knows about her father but hasn’t asked too many questions yet. My husband adopted her when she was 5 and loves her as his own. 
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Rachel Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 4:48 pm (Quote)
Rose, I’m sorry that you were treated so terribly while in labor with your daughter but I am very happy to hear this outcome to your story.
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Sheva Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 7:01 pm (Quote)
You definitely did NOT deserve to be spoken to that way, nor should anyone have told you to brush it off.
I’m glad you are doing well, thank you for sharing the continuation of your story. Good luck!
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Brittany had this to say,
Apr 11, 2010 @ 6:01 am (Quote)
Wow. What an absolutely atrocious thing to say to a mother, especially one so young! I really hope that the youn man who died was not in the military. It was a sad situation anyway and, as the wife of a soldier, I can tell you that would have made it so much worse.
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Margarett the Midwife had this to say,
Apr 11, 2010 @ 9:56 am (Quote)
WHAT A CREEP!!!!!!!!! But they are everywhere….
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Regardless of how a young woman gets there… they are starting on a pathway to motherhood. At that point, we should be reinforcing her notion of herself as a responsible parent – not an irresponsible kid. Because, whether or not she wants to be there – she is the responsible parent now – and, if we don’t start by supporting her, who will?
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When I was pg with my first at 30, there was a little girl (16) pg in my apt complex. We got to talking an became friends. After she had her little girl, her mom told me that the anesthesiologist wouldn’t give her an epidural because she “didn’t deserve one” for getting pg so young!!! It was another of those “just get me out of here” things, they didn’t press charges, but what a horrible attitude to take!
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StaudtCJ Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 7:21 am (Quote)
The misogyny of the medical profession is scary. What a horrible thing for that poor girl.
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Stacie Hogan Reply:
February 9th, 2011 at 11:48 pm (Quote)
OMG are you serious?? I am a young mom who had my first at 17 (two months after my birthday) and if they had triedd to withold an epi from me for that reason i would have hunted down the anesthesiologist and grabbed him by the balls and demanded one. God people are so stupid!
To the OP im so sorry for your loss. And for the insensitive way it was handled by this jerk. some people just need to be punched in the face.
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The OB who said it was just a resident passing through as I was laboring; he was young and one of those guys that you can tell thinks a great deal of himself.
You didn’t even know the guy?!? If you hadn’t been in labor, you should have said, “Thank you for judging my life. I’ll amend my evil ways. Who are you, again? Do I know you…?”
Life will take him down a peg. I’m sorry you dealt with that.
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Hi Rose – I was also a pregnant widow with my first(at 21 and looked 15) Nobody said anything THAT horrilbe to me, but I wished there had been a stop sign outside my room that said WIDOW Deal with it before you walk in. Just the kind of news you want to deliver to strangers while in labor. And deliver it we did; over and over to every nurse who was just sure I was only 15 and just making it up!
Congrats on your 9 year old and subsequent children.
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This ob is a pig. Goodness I couldnt imagine someone being this rude expectially to some one that is going though labor! Labor is hard enough to deal with….with out rude people let alone rude doctors. They need to keep there smart comments to there self and do there job.
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Something very similiar happened to my cousin. She was 20 when she had her baby, her fiance was a firefighter killed in the line of duty the week before she found out she was pregnant. When the OB made this horrible statement, her mother had to physically restrain her (my cousin) from hitting the OB. It had been noted in her chart many times about her fiance being killed, and had been a VERY public news story locally, with her picture being shown along with his on the news.
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Wow. I know they have a lot of patients to deal with, but shouldn’t something like that be noted on the chart. Something like:
1) Don’t make rude assumptions about young mothers
2) This particular young mother has endured a terrible tragedy, so rather than saying something dumb, tell her she did great.
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The Deranged Housewife Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 5:18 am The Deranged Housewife(Quote)
The sad thing, Jane, is that it probably WAS documented in her chart. Probably a lot. Which means she probably is rude and judgmental, in some form or another, to everyone. Equal opportunity, you know?
*sigh*
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Wendy Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 6:45 am Wendy(Quote)
Or . . . it just confirms my suspicion that few doctors even touch those charts.
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Jane Reply:
April 10th, 2010 at 6:47 am Jane(Quote)
Not buried deep in the chart — important information about the patient’s state of mind or history needs to be in bright red marker on the inside front cover of the chart. Nurses and doctors have responded on this weblog that they don’t have time to read every jot of the patient’s chart before the four-minute exam. So knowing this, they need to highlight the very most important thing.
That and drop the rude patronizing judgmentalism. Because even if this young mother * had* been “playing around with boys,” this was not the time, place or method to explain to her that there are other ways of living. :-b
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Claire Reply:
January 28th, 2011 at 3:55 pm Claire(Quote)
My notes have an alert sheet at the front with all the vital things you need to know about me at a glance. I’m not sure if that’s just my hospital policy or whether it’s standard practice. Would certainly help certain doctors!
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