Feb 9

“Well, She May Not Have A Penis…”

“Well she may not have a penis, but she has a real nice place to put one.” -OB to a father who was upset that the baby was a girl.

208 people dislike these words.

There are 62 comments to this post.

Lauren had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:08 am (Quote)

OMG that is so nastily inappropriate. I almost threw up.
*Side note to the daddy: Rejoice that you have a healthy baby. It’s all that matters.

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Ms. Australia had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:12 am (Quote)

WRONG!!!!!! OMG what a pig!

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Amy had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:14 am (Quote)

:O
:O

He needs a censor button, I’m surprised the daddy didn’t deck him

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Sheva had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:24 am (Quote)

Because that’s all we’re good for?
I am literally nauseated right now!

And yet another comment that makes me think that docs don’t think that the vagina is not meant for birth. Some apparently don’t think at all, clearly.

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Jane had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:34 am (Quote)

“Hello, State Licensing Board? I wanted to ask about the appropriateness of a comment by a doctor….”

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susan had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:34 am (Quote)

That is disgusting.

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stella had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:41 am (Quote)

What about the dad???
I mean I think the OB has a point!
I might have said something similar to the pig dad who didn’t fall in love with his little girl but was dissapointed she wasn’t a boy!
Seriously, this OB is funny!

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Laura Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 8:06 am Laura(Quote)

Dude, momentary disappointment is natural — you’re going to call HIM a pig for having a moment of, “bummer, I wish I had a son,” (a moment that probably passed quickly the second he held his little girl) but you’re going to give the OB a pass for basically saying that being penetrated by male genitalia is a girl-baby’s destiny and that thinking about that should reassure her father? Come on.

To the folks who are demonizing this dad, aren’t we the ones who are always saying that people shouldn’t “judge” the feelings and experiences of women in labor? Maybe this was a guy who had dreamt of having a son for years, and when he found out that it was a girl had a moment of “shoot, that’s not what I expected.” Are we really going to say that’s “just as bad” as what the OB said?

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Hallie Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 8:41 am Hallie(Quote)

I totally agree Laura. My husband was disappointed when we found out my first was a girl (at the ultrasound). But he said it was only cause he had no idea what “to do with a little girl”. Now they’re inseperable.

I can guarantee that would have been the LAST thing the OB would ever had said to my husband. Crude, rude, disgusting and very inappropriate.

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Usha Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 8:57 am Usha(Quote)

It’s a good thing this Dad was able to own his moment of disappointment. If it didn’t go away he would be a jerk, but feelings are feelings and if you expect one thing and get another it can be disappointing.

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Rachel Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 12:15 pm Rachel(Quote)

Ditto Laura. Just because he expressed disappointment doesn’t mean that he wasn’t then thrilled to have a healthy baby anything and that he doesn’t love that little girl like crazy. Heck, I wanted a girl with my first pregnancy and when I heard boy at the ultrasound I was just a tiny bit bummed. Of course, then I was thrilled about having a boy and getting to do all the boy things and I love my son more than life itself and wouldn’t change the way our family is for anything. Just because he actually came out and expressed the momentary (and we have to assume it was momentary as there’s no information to tell us otherwise) disappointment doesn’t make him some kind of monster parent.

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Jessica Reply:
February 19th, 2010 at 10:44 am Jessica(Quote)

Honestly, I’m more pissed about the doctor trying to minimize the dad’s feeling, rather than the way he was trying. I don’t find the joke offensive in itself, I rather find offensive the “reassuring” effect that was actually a manipulation of the dad’s feelings.

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Heather Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 2:46 pm Heather(Quote)

As someone who’s father rejected her at birth for being born a girl, I see your point (no, he never bonded with me). But that comment was BEYOND inappropriate. I see the humor, but not for a stranger to make and certainly not about a BABY. That’s sick.

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attached2mykids had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:50 am (Quote)

Um, the dad and the OB would be kicked out of the room! I’m SO thankful that my hubby was thrilled beyond words that our first was a girl!!

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Stephanie Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 6:50 am Stephanie(Quote)

I’m with you – I was equally upset with the father as I was – initially more so. With that sort of attitude it sounds like daddy and OB could be best friends. I to am thankful to have a husband who is in love beyond words with his girls.

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Kelly had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 6:54 am (Quote)

Maybe that father, at first, wasn’t excited about having a girl, but I’m sure he fell in love with her – just like every other father of daughters I’ve met. My husband at first was disappointed when we had a girl, but now she’s his entire world.

That OB on the other hand…..disgusting.

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Kelly2 Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 4:39 pm Kelly2(Quote)

Actually my dh was thrilled beyond belief with both of our girls. Now I am pregnant with a boy and it took him a month to get used to the idea.
I agree about the OB.

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ann had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 7:54 am (Quote)

My hubby would have decked that doc. No one talks about HIS little girl like that!

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Mary had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 8:18 am (Quote)

I am so disgusted by the doctors comment and the fathers reaction. There is no better gender, boy or girl. If he wanted someone to play catch with and play sports with or whatever a girl is justs as capable of doing those things as a boy. I can’t stand when people act like boys are better than girls. When people ask me what I am expecting and I say “another girl” they act disappointed and say stupid crap like, “well maybe next time you will get a boy.” What the hell does that mean anyway? I would love a baby boy as much as a baby girl but not due to their gender. We need to abolish this gender role crap. Then we will have true equality.

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Chelsea Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 10:58 am Chelsea(Quote)

As a wise and humorous friend of mine once said, “There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.”

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Kathy had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 8:24 am (Quote)

I’d be curious to know if this was in the context of the birth or a prenatal ultrasound. [If you submitted this, please satisfy my curiosity! ] I’ve read that it is more common for people to have (or at least express) disappointment when they find out before birth that their baby is the “less desired” sex; but when they find out the sex *at birth*, they are happy and pleased with their baby, and say, “How could I have wanted a [boy/girl] instead?”

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Heather Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 2:51 pm Heather(Quote)

Actually, I was disappointed at birth about the gender of my daughter, but it didn’t matter. I still have an awesome little girl that I love wholeheartedly. My husband didn’t care. But I’d lost two babies and had a hard pregnancy and have been afraid I’ll never get the little boy I want. I’ve still got two more tries and if I end up with four girls, that’s cool, too. I’ve learned how awesome little girls are and they’re freaking adorable, sweet and tons of fun.

Being disappointed doesn’t make the jerk. Being a jerk makes the jerk

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Rebecca had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 8:41 am (Quote)

I’m going to be honest, as a mother to a stillborn child, I’m having a hard time sympathizing with someone expressing gender disappointment.

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Kat Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 9:30 am Kat(Quote)

Rebecca, I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby, and while I can sympathize to a very small point with someone who hoped to have the experience of parenting a (boy/girl) and hoped their children would experience having a (brother/sister) and they get over it and enjoy the terrific kids they DO have. Sometimes people seem to get fixated on having a kid of the “right” gender, and that’s just plain not healthy.

I didn’t find out my baby’s gender during my pregnancy-after-loss, because quite frankly I didn’t care one way of the other. I didn’t even care if the baby had ten fingers and ten toes or “perfect health” as long as he or she was alive and able to come home to our family. I did have a “perfectly healthy” baby girl, and she’s the delight of everyone who meets her, and would have been just as delightful had she been a boy instead.

Oh yeah and I also wanted to slap some people who never stopped whining about their baby crying. I never got to hear my baby cry. Yeah, I know if you have a baby who is colicky and difficult to soothe and you’re sleep deprived, it’s hard to maintain perspective… but good grief TRY to be grateful once in a while, OK?! (I never said this, but in some extreme cases I really really wanted to)

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Sheva Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 1:33 pm Sheva(Quote)

Thank you for the reminder, Kat. I was being ungrateful today and needed a whack on the side of the head.
You’re 100% right!

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Usha had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 8:59 am (Quote)

Dads AND Moms have feelings of disappointment if their expectations are not met. This does not make them bad people. The questions is about whether they are able to get past it and move on. It’s probably a good thing he was able to express it. Can we focus on the bastard that is allowed near women in labor that thinks baby girls are sexual objects (a place to put a penis). Seriously this is the worst one I’ve read yet.

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Heather P Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 6:19 pm Heather P(Quote)

Yes, this.

I think my husband was slightly disappointed that our second child was also a daughter. I think he would have liked to have one of each. But momentary disappointment quickly passed and he cherishes both his daughters and is very protective of them. I think he would have assaulted anybody who sexualized his baby girl. That’s just wrong.

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erin had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 9:55 am (Quote)

I’m sorry, but a Dad being disappointed about the gender is no where near the same level as the doctor’s pedophiliac comment. Like others have said, I bet the dad’s feelings went away as soon as he got to hold her.

I have a friend who’s baby girl died at 15 days old, and both times she got pregnant afterward she hoped for another little girl and was disappointed when she found out it was a boy. Both times she got over it and she loves both of her sons. These are normal human emotions and are nowhere on the same level as talking about how a little girl’s vagina is a good place to put a penis.

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Knitted in the Womb Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 9:03 am Knitted in the Womb(Quote)

I agree Erin. I do get tired to people saying the “how dare you be disappointed! I’ve suffered worse than you…” thing. Yes, we all know that some suffering is worse than others. And guess what? Most of us have a lifetime of previous hurts that we aren’t telling you about.

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blossomingbabes had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 11:21 am (Quote)

Speechless..absolutely speechless….

This OB sounds like a self-righteous arse

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Michelle Potter had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 11:29 am (Quote)

If the dad’s disappointment was anything more than momentary (like the ones you hear about who all their daughter’s lives make them feel bad for not having been a boy), then yes, that would make him a jerk. But a moment of disappointment is not weird or wrong, IMO. I see it as a sign that this dad had been involved enough to be thinking and anticipating his baby’s arrival, so much so that he was already picturing his child as a boy. Maybe not because he “likes boys better,” but just because that’s where his mind went.

All my life, I expected that my firstborn child would be a girl. Not that I “like girls better,” but because my mom was a firstborn and the only girl with four brothers and lots of boy cousins, and I was *her* firstborn (in fact, the firstborn grandchild on both sides), with two brothers (and two step-brothers!) and ONLY boy cousins. I’d just imagined that I would also have a firstborn daughter, who would be surrounded by brothers and boy cousins. But then, during my first pregnancy, I had a *strong* feeling that I was having a boy. My feeling was so strong, that if I’d ended up having a girl, I would have been disappointed! As it was, I had a boy, and my mom was a little disappointed since she’d been expecting a girl, too — until he was born. She’s absolutely adores my son, now!

When I was pregnant the third time, I did not have an ultrasound to find out the gender. I was *terrified* that I would have a girl! Again, I don’t have *anything* against girls. At that time I already had one girl and three boys. The problem was that my oldest daughter is technically my *step* daughter, and even though I raise her and my step-son as my own, she was potty-trained when I became her mom — so I had *no* experience changing baby girl diapers. I was so worried that I wouldn’t do a good enough job, and my baby girl would get an infection. There was a part of me that was hoping to get a girl, and part that was really, really hoping to just have another boy! I had a girl — and I *love* her. And she never got a urinary tract infection, and neither did her younger sister, so I was worried for nothing.

All that to say, I can *understand* why a parent might be hoping for or expecting one gender, having absolutely nothing to do with “preferring” one over the other. It’s not sexism; it’s just the way people are. If we expect one thing, and get something else, we are disappointed. If we are good parents, we take one look at that baby and love them *exactly the way they are* anyway.

OTOH, I can’t think of any possible way to explain or excuse the absolutely DISGUSTING comment of a doctor who even mentions putting a *penis* in a baby girl. If a doctor said that to me, I would quite seriously consider him a potential danger to my children.

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Heather P Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 6:22 pm Heather P(Quote)

Bravo Michelle. My sentiments exactly.

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Doula Heather had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 11:58 am (Quote)

Inappropriate beyond belief.

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Cait had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 1:29 pm (Quote)

I understand the dissapointment. I was convinced I was pregnant with a girl. When the ultrasound showed another little penis I was extremely dissapointed. For awhile actually. We have 3 sons. So I was struck with the thought that we may never have a girl and it was upsetting. It doesn’t mean I dont love my boys with everything I have. But I would love to have girls too. So I understand that part.

And I am absolutely appauled by the Dr’s comment. Funny how everything they do is to protect against lawsuits, and then they go open their mouth and this garbage comes out. Disgusting

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Linda had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 1:45 pm (Quote)

Wow. I didn’t even understand this comment at first- I thought they meant surgery to put a penis in place of the child’s genitals. I didn’t even considered they were talking about a newborn infant having sex!

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Kathy Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 3:12 pm Kathy(Quote)

That was my first impression, too — “adding on a penis”; but it certainly could have been taken the other way. In which case, I would be very concerned about this doctor!

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Michelle Potter Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 3:25 pm Michelle Potter(Quote)

I’d be very concerned about a doctor who suggested that surgery could be an option when a dad was hoping for a boy and got a girl instead.

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Kathy Reply:
February 9th, 2010 at 3:44 pm Kathy(Quote)

Suggesting “surgery” in a joking way, to sort of demonstrate the absurdity of wishing for the other sex when that ain’t happening: “Welllll, if it’s *that* important to you, I guess we could always add one on! Oh, and look, here’s a perfect spot for it, right here!” Highly inappropriate for a doctor to say to a father, but at least it’s better than the near pedophilia suggested by saying that the newborn or pre-born girl was ready to have a penis inside her.

This is one of those “stick a sock in it” moments, where mama’s advice is very handy: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” And another quote from someone else, “Better to keep your mouth closed and have everyone think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!”

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jennifer had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 3:01 pm (Quote)

my husband said that if that happened to us, he’d be in jail for assault and battery due to the passed out doctor on the floor.

That is sick what the doctor said and i hope whoever this happened to reported him.

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attached2mykids had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:31 pm (Quote)

I just read this to my husband and he had that look on his face. You know, the “someone would get punched” look.

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blessedmama had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 5:45 pm (Quote)

This comment is shocking, but what’s even more shocking is the slew of comments skewering the father for his little bit of disappointment and blatantly ignoring that this pervert of a doctor is talking about SEX with a BABY. Are you women out of your minds, that the dad’s reaction (which is neither rare nor surprising, MANY people experience some gender disappointment and go on to be fantastic, loving parents) is a “worse” thing than a pedophile working as an OB???

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Rachel Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 7:27 am Rachel(Quote)

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I shudder to think of the woman who submitted this having to read these comments that are vilifying her poor husband and his (assumed) momentary disappointment. I’m sure that wasn’t her point when she submitted the comment.

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Heather P Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 8:30 am Heather P(Quote)

I think most comments here are defending the dad.

The doctor’s comments are beyond scary. Most of these I don’t bother to share with my husband. But I did with this one. He assures me the doctor would be met with nothing less than violence. I wouldn’t want such a person around me or my child. What kind of a sick person says such things?

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Trish G had this to say, Feb 9, 2010 @ 6:37 pm (Quote)

WOW – I don’t ususally comment on these, but I was so horrified by the Dr’s comment.

I have read everyone’s comments and have my own stories to add.

My sister had a stillborn at 40 weeks so I know a little bit what it’s like to have that happen (we are very, very close). I did fertility treatments for 3 1/2 years to get pregnant and when I did I absoultly wanted a girl even buying girl clothes and little items (I didn’t go crazy, just way too cute things I didn’t want to let slip away). We found out it was a boy and I was upset for a couple of weeks, but of course I was delited I was finally preganant and then of course I was thrilled when we finally got to met him and he was healthy. Then when I went back to the fertility clinic I was really hoping for another boy (playmate, I knew what I was doing, etc.) but got a girl instead and made them check it several times over the next several ultrasounds (I’m high risk so ultrasounds every other week).

Finally my 3rd was born on Halloween last year and I can finally say I was not in the least wanting one sex over the other! I would imagine that most parents if they say it out loud or not do prefer one sex over the other.

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Sherry Hammond Reply:
February 10th, 2010 at 6:20 am Sherry Hammond(Quote)

For all we know, this girl might have been his 5th one. In which case, I could see a little intial dissappointment. I am sure he quickly got over it. And I hope he punched the doctor.

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Abbi had this to say, Feb 12, 2010 @ 9:49 am (Quote)

Just a tought… maybe what the DR was trying to say is that by being a girl that would grow into a woman, she has the potential to someday fall in love, get married, and enjoy a wonderful sexual relationship with her husband that would make him feel that he is a very lucky and happy man to be married to her. So, maybe he was trying to show the dad that, even tho she was a girl, she still has an immeasurable value (which even if she never marries, she still has the same immeasurable value)but he chose to refer to the female counterpart of the penis to express it. Which, I do find innappropriate, but hopefully he wasn’t being crude on purpose.

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Che Reply:
February 14th, 2010 at 8:50 am Che(Quote)

Errrr…Or with her wife.

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Abbi Reply:
February 15th, 2010 at 1:15 pm Abbi(Quote)

But if she had a wife, the wife wouldn’t have a penis, and the DR said that she had a real nice place to put a penis.

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J Carr Reply:
February 20th, 2010 at 9:37 am J Carr(Quote)

That’s how I read it too. That while she doesn’t have a penis, she’s got something better!

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Abbi Reply:
February 24th, 2010 at 11:32 am Abbi(Quote)

Where would men be without women? Very unhappy, that’s for sure!!

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Trish had this to say, Feb 12, 2010 @ 11:54 am (Quote)

Abbi,

You are seriously optimistic, but I highly doubt there was any kind of thought process on the part of the Dr. More like he spoke without thinking because if he had actually wanted to say what you just implied he might have thought, he would have also known better and been more enlightened not to say it that way.

Nice shot…but the Dr. is himself a dick!

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Heather had this to say, Feb 13, 2010 @ 9:55 am (Quote)

If that was me, both my husband and the doctor would get knocked out. I mean, really, you’re disappointed because the baby is a girl? Really? How about being grateful that baby and mom are both healthy? How about thanking God for this amazing gift you’ve been given? With all the risks there are with pregnancy and childbirth, you’re upset over gender? Really? He sounds like a real catch!

As far as the doctor, honestly, that was beyond inappropriate to say. I mean, where did this woman give birth, a frat house? Geez!

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Kathryn had this to say, Feb 22, 2010 @ 4:00 pm (Quote)

Yes. Because that’s what every new father wants to hear about his infant daughter! Wow.

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Brittney had this to say, Feb 25, 2010 @ 9:55 pm (Quote)

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and with my brother, and was convinced I was pregnant with a girl with #1 (partly because I just wanted that same mother/daughter thing I have with my mom, and partly because my son’s heart rate was 175 and the Dr said that could be an indicator that it’s a girl). We had a name picked out, I had bought “her” her first outfit, and baby book, it was sad/hilarious.

The day we found out he was a boy, I had woken up with bleeding and while slightly disappointed that my baby girl had “vanished”, I was mostly just thanking God that my baby was ok. Turned out to be slight placenta precia that corrected itself in a matter of weeks, and the bleed was likely caused by intercourse iritating it.

With my 2nd, I was hoping and praying for a baby girl because I had so many complications I didn’t know if I would be able to have any more children (cervical dilation and severe retroplacental bleed at 6 weeks, incompetent cervix, preterm labor at 14 weeks after cerclage was placed, and lots of bed rest), and I really want my son to have a sister, but it took less than a milisecond to think of all of the benefits of a brother for him.

I was also just thankful that I was only 8 weeks away from him being viable outside the womb after making it through all of the 1st trimester complications.

In the end he was born at 38 weeks, 7lbs 12oz, and is my little miracle baby.

I still want a girl, and may keep going until I get one. Not because my boys aren’t good enough, but because I really want a daughter. I want the hair bows, and ruffle but tights, princess dress up clothes and barbies, and shopping for prom dresses.

Boys are great and I wouldn’t give mine up for all the pretty princesses in the world, but I do hope that God blesses me with one in the future

As for the Doc… YUCK!

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Mitch had this to say, Feb 26, 2010 @ 6:03 pm (Quote)

Anyone ever consider that you may be interpreting this statement all wrong?

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Sheva Reply:
February 27th, 2010 at 7:41 pm Sheva(Quote)

How would you interpret it?

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Mitch Reply:
February 27th, 2010 at 7:55 pm Mitch(Quote)

When I read it, it looked to me like the doc was saying…sorry dad…but there is just a space there…as in no “boy parts” where dad had hoped.

I pretty much refuse to believe a physician in that situation would say something like that and have it have a sexual meaning. In fact, I never even thought of it like that until I read the comments on this post. That made me wonder where some people’s minds are at…and it was then that I became sickened.

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em Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:47 pm em(Quote)

Even if he did’t intend an overtly sexual meaning, Mitch, do you *really* think that statement is acceptable? Even if it was simply a crass way to refer to her gender, I’m pretty sure it was just plain inappropriate.

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Mitch Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:41 pm Mitch(Quote)

All I ‘m gonna say to that is that I believe this was likely taken completely out of context and that the OB was messing with the dad for being such an idiot as to not be simply overjoyed to have a HEALTHY BABY.

And for the record, we don’t know that the OB was a “he”, do we?

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em Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:50 pm em(Quote)

Makes no difference to me if it was a male or a female making the comment. Replace the title “OB” with “brother” or “mother-in-law”, and imagine the result. Shocker: it’s still inappropriate! There are some things that should simply NOT. BE. SAID.

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