I agree that might be their intentions, but people really need to stop and think about how these comments make victims of actions like these feel. To read someone say “well, *I* would have kicked him had he done that to me” is really hard to read when something like this did happen to you and you know very well there was no way you could have kicked anyone.

Also, I agree, I truly hope OB’s and CNM’s and anyone who delivers babies are reading this. Maybe it can change some peoples actions.

I told my OB during one of my visits that I had been brutally assaulted a few years earlier and did not want any exams done without someone else in the room. He ignored me.
After the birth, when his secretary called me up, I finally had the balls to tell her that he is damn lucky I don’t get my hands on a lawyer cause I would sue him for the AROM he did without my consent and the ensuing post partum infection he gave me because he refused to give me antibiotics for the strep throat I had when I was 35 weeks. My family doctor didn’t know what to give me and told me to ask the OB. The OB said I didn’t have strep throat and swabbed me that day. I came back GBS+ (neg on a next pregnancy tho) and ended up with all sorts of problems post birth. In fact, I birthed my baby so fast, I think my body was trying to protect him from becoming sick because unlike me, all he had was a mild fever after the birth. I won’t go into what happened to me.
And I found out later that he did call CPS on me because I dared to do the homeopathic treatments (vitamin C and a few other herbs) to keep me healthy those last weeks. I should have sued him anyway. I think I’ll have my child sue him when he turns 19.

Roxanne,

I’m so sorry about your experience. It is sad that women have to “educate” themselves in order to avoid being assaulted – women should just not be assaulted while giving birth, whether they studied up on the subject or not. I think every woman has the expectation that she will be treated humanely when she gives birth, and I don’t think that should be an unreasonable expectation.

I also want to add, that many times the provider or nurses are female, and it would be highly unlikely that a man would think of striking a female. That is just not socially acceptable.

I totally agree. I have been one of the people who has commented once or twice “OMG, I would’ve smacked/hit/kicked that doc”. I, of course, don’t mean that i *actually* would’ve done that in the moment. it’s just nice to think after the fact that I would’ve been able to do *something* to stand up for myself…but like you said, most women and their husbands are SHOCKED and don’t even realize that they are being assaulted until days/weeks/months after.

After reading your perspective, and thinking about it from ‘the other side’, I feel horrible that i have made comments like that and perhaps made a woman feel like ‘she didn’t do enough’, when by making that sort of comment, my only intention was to validate the woman’s feelings by saying “you have every right to feel like you do, i would’ve felt the same way, and would’ve wanted to punch him”. know what i mean?

I definitely will not ever say something like that again. I didn’t realize that i was hurting instead of helping. Thank you for the insight. (AND thank you for not being mean to any one who HAS made comments like that, because like me, i doubt they realized how it came across to the poster. thank you for explaining in a nice, informative way.)

I know someone who did actually grab a (male) nurse and shove him up against a wall in a hospital. The man’s baby daughter had been in the NICU for days because of a problem caused by the hospital, she was rapidly deteriorating due to poor care even in the NICU, and the hospital was resisting the family’s attempts to get the baby moved to a better hospital. The dad snapped and put a nurse against a wall. He got away with it, too, and ultimately his daughter was transferred (in such condition that the transfer team was SHOCKED) and is now healthy. But that took days and days of constant fear for his daughter’s safety in the hands of this hospital.

And later, when his wife was giving birth to another baby and was physically assaulted by a (female) nurse during labor, he not only did not try to stop her, he HELPED. (The nurse asked him to hold his wife down, and he did.) When you compare the two stories, the same man reacting so differently in two situations, you wonder what the hell he was thinking. But as you have said, in the midst of labor, people just don’t recognize assault like that. He was only thinking that his wife needed something, and he had to help. His love for his wife and child and need to protect them actually led to his HELPING to hurt her.

When a woman is in labor, both she and those who love her are incredibly vulnerable, and they TRUST and RELY ON doctors and nurses and midwives to provide caring, evidence-based care. The reluctance and inability of the laboring woman and her support team to react to violence against her makes it all the more despicable when that trust and reliance is violated.

I was going to say the same thing. I was going to start a doula certification program but they tell us we are not allowed to stand up for our clients, nor are we allowed to tell the care provider what the client wants. We are only allowed to remind the mother what she wanted. (What, like she forgot?)
I had one mother who didn’t want pitocin, and I asked her in front of the doc if she wanted time to think about it.
Then, when the time was up, I had coached her what to say, and she said it perfectly!
Then, when the nurse came in a few hours later to put it in (without checking to see if the mom had progressed without it) I told the mother in front of the nurse that it would be a good idea for her to wait until the doctor came in to check her, before putting it in. I know I’m officially not supposed to do that, but if the doula doesn’t take care of the mother, who will??
Also, they could threaten to throw you out, but as long as you’re not breaking any hospital rules, they can’t really.
And you can ask for the patient advocate before that happens, and you can even go up to the hospital administrator. This was told to me by someone who worked in a hospital.
She said they’ll tell you they can’t get a hold of that person, but keep asking sweetly and they’ll eventually get them for you.
I plan to use this info with my next client, if I need it, and I’ll keep you posted.

I think your assertion that educated women with doulas are more likely to be abused/assaulted, it patently false. It’s much more likely that those are the women who are more likely to recognize the assault. Women who walk into L&D with no extra research outside of TV, think that whatever happens to them is the norm, and regardless of if they feel abused or not, they don’t talk about it as much, because as far as they know they’re upset about “silly things”.

True, but that’s hardly common knowledge. Someone shows up on your doorstep who is aggressive, speaks authoritatively, and tells you that you “must” do certain things. You are exhausted from fighting with the caregiver you thought you could trust. Your hormones are raging, and intensifying emotions.

So hopefully you can be quick on your feet when you answer the door and ten seconds later two strangers are INSIDE your home without being invited, telling you that they “have to” see your kids and they “have to” inspect your house.

Thankfully, I was. It was only by the grace of God though that I could think clearly enough the day after holding my baby boy in my arms as he died. I calmly and clearly stated that if they wanted to go over my house they were welcome to return with a warrant. They asked why I “felt that way” and I replied “That is the law.”

Suddenly they were not quite as belligerent, and they asked for contact info for the children’s doctor and our pastors/parents. To my knowledge they never contacted our family, and we never did see that warrant.

But if I hadn’t been homeschooled (in a state where the laws were hostile to it, at first) I wouldn’t have had it drilled into me NOT to let DFACS in without a warrant/court order, and I shudder to think how awful it would have felt to have these prying strangers going through my (clean, safe, and properly maintained) home.

Actually, CPS can remove first and investigate later. There have been cases as well of pregnant women forced to undergo cesareans by court order that the hospital has procured without even notifying her that they were going to court against her. And other women who have been threatened with jail if they didn’t do as demanded by doctors. It is all part of the CPS babymill. To them, our children are not beloved, they are a cash cow that the feds will pay for. If you are poor, disadvantaged, illeducated, never mind addicted, CPS will mow you down and take your child. There is no “innocent until proven guilty.” There are mandated reporters and “what’s best for the child.”
The stupid thing is that if you don’t let CPS in your house, obviously you are hiding something and must therefore be guilty, but if you do, they have just as much of a chance of making a case against you. They can and have stripped a 16 year old girl at school to investigate for suspected bruises. Web searches bring up all sorts of horror stories about CPS overstepping their boundaries, destroying women’s rights to autonomy in pregnancy and violating our children – all in the name of “saving the child.”